THE MEANING OF LIFE...According to Judy

My sister was a wild child!!!! and a daughter of Jesus when she died.

2011-05-25T17:02:00.002-04:00

Jenny asked a question about Bonnie, so I'm gonna take this opportunity to tell you a little bit about things you might not know. Bonnie was quite mature for her age. She started sneaking out of the house at a very young age and would meet boys that she had met at church and school. My dad would beat the shit out of her when and if he ever found out about it. He definitely did not approve of a 13 year old having a boyfriend. So, at age 14...Bonnie decided she didn't want any more beatings and so she ran off and got married.

The way I heard the story is that she took a small suitcase full of clothes and hid it in the church. Her plan was to sneak out of the house that night and go marry Bill Blankenship. I have a photo f that church. Mlou told me this story last time we were in Alabama and I took a photo of the church. Bonnie was such a rebel and dad was so strict...it was a match made in hell. I don't think Bonnie wanted to get married so much as she just wanted her freedom. Once she was married I guess my folks thought she would settle down. However, not long after she married is when we moved to Charleston and Bonnie was just as close to mama as we all were and she wanted to be close to her. She learned very quickly that daddy was not gonna let her go back to her wild ways. I told this story in the last blog.

My oldest sister was Louise. She was born 18 years before I was. My mother wasn't married and got pregnant in high school. Can you imagine the stigma of an unwed mother in 1924??

But she had that baby and Louise was about 2 or 3 years old when mom and dad got married.

My grandfather (Nanny's dad) The one we call Papa Stidger (he is the one in the photo that looks like Jeff)....Well, he was very attached to Louise when mama got married and didn't want mama to take Louise with her. Mama told me that daddy didn't treat Louise well and had no patience with her (as he was with all of us)...But Papa Stidger wanted her to stay with him and mama let her. Louise was 12 years old when she came to live with mama and daddy and the reason she did was because Papa Stidger died. I think mama always regretted not taking Louise with her because their relationship was always strained. Louise was jealous of the other kids and never really felt as "loved" as the rest of us did. Her birth father never acknowledged her...even though they were in the same town. However, his parents always gave money to Papa Stidger to raise Louise...but they never wanted to see her.

That is another sad story. Louise's birth father's name was Short Thomas. The Thomas' were a wealthy family compared to us. Mama said she was at a dance and she and Short went out behind the church and made a pallet on the riverbank and Louise was conceived. Once he found out she was pregnant, his parents sent him off to Texas to finish school. They had no intention of letting him have anything to do with the baby. I remember when Short Thomas died. Of course I never knew him, but I remember I was 13 years old when mama told me the story of Louise. I never knew she wasn't my full sister until then. Short had just died and mama cried.

Mama was so ashamed of having a baby out of wedlock...I don't know if she would ever have told me about Louise if I hadn't found Louise's high school diploma and it said LOUISE STIDGER...How could she be a Stidger, when I was a Lawrence. I asked mama about it and she told me the whole story.

There are worse things than dying!!!

2011-05-23T08:23:00.004-04:00

When I was a young girl I feared death. Now that I am older and wiser, I know that dying isn't gonna be so bad. There are far worse things than dying. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. I pray I never know that pain.

I've lost some loved ones along the way. In fact, I've lost a lot of loved ones...my mom, my sisters, my brother and my dad. I have one sister left and she is 9 years older than me. I was (of course) closest to my mom and her death hurt the most of all. When I was younger I used to really fear the day when my mom would die. she was 38 when I was born and back in those days, that was an old mother. Nowadays, they are having babies at age 50 and older. But I always felt like I had an older mother, so I thought about losing her and it would scare me to death. It scared me so much that I had nightmares about her dying long before she actually did. I would wake up in the middle of the night after a dream of her dying and I would be so relieved when I realized it was a dream. After she died I would have the same dream and when I would wake up, sometimes it would take a minute or two for me to realize if she was really dead or not. She died 26 years ago and today I found an old audio tape that I had made of me and her just talking. It was so sweet to hear her voice and it brought back so many fond memories. I was very lucky to have such a wonderful mother. I cannot say the same about my dad!!!

Jeff and Jenny have both asked me to blog more. To tell them more about my past and relatives that they barely knew. I remember wanting my mom to tell me stories about her life before I came along. They were always interesting stories. I have passed many of those stories on to Jeff and Jenny and they want to hear them over and over.

I was born in Alabama and when I was 2 years old, my dad got out of the Army. Before enlisting he had been a share cropper. We were poor and he wanted a better life for us. They had just opened up the shipyard in Charleston, SC and he learned that they were training men to be machinists and other jobs, so he went to Charleston and was there for a year learning his trade. He lived in a boarding house there and my mom used to tell me about riding the bus from Alabama to Charleston to visit him before we finally moved there when I was 3 years old.

At that time, my sister, Mary Lou was 12, my brother Jack was 9 and my sister Bonnie was about 15. My oldest sister, Louise was around 21 and she was married and stayed in Alabama with her husband. Bonnie had been married about a year. Can you believe that...married at age 14!! So, when we moved away, she moved with us. Now, I'm telling this story the way I remember my mother telling it to me. I don't actually have any recollection of this. What she told me was that Bonnie moved with us and she was quite a "wild child" and wanted her freedom but my dad was very strict and didn't allow her to date or anything like that. So, she contacted he husband back in Alabama and told him that if he would come to Charleston, they could live together again. He was 25 when they married and she was 14. So, he moved to Charleston. As the story goes, she really didn't want to live with him so much as she wanted to get out of the house where daddy was so strict. Once she got moved out and settled in an apartment, and got a job...she told her husband to hit the road. His name was Bill Blankenship and he drove a taxi and that is all I know about him. Bonnie got a job at the cigar factory there in Charleston and worked there for years and then she became a long distance telephone operator and she worked that job for many many years. It was while she was working at the cigar factory that she met Jimmy Lambracas. He came from a very strict Greek family and although he and Bonnie remained sweethearts for many, many years he would never marry her because she was not Greek!! Jimmy owned a bar and Bonnie used to take me there a lot when I was a kid and I always loved going there because Jimmy would give me a coke and a candy bar every time I would go. At this time, Bonnie was renting a room downtown with a lady by the name of Miss Streeter. I remember spending the night with Bonnie at Miss Streeter's and I wet the bed. It seemed like a real catastrophe back then when it happened. One day when I was at Bonnies place it was a very windy day and we were walking down the street and we found a little baby kitten...it was all by itself and so I took it home with me and we named it Wendy!!! I don't remember anything else about that kitty.

The Oscars!!

2011-03-06T08:43:00.002-05:00

I just got home from the Oscars!! What a blast...I had a room at the Hollywood Renaissance Hotel, which is right in the Hollywood and Highland Center where the Kodak Theater is. Don't get the idea that this gave me any closer look at the actual Oscars, but it did give me the privilege

of seeing everything backstage the night before. I will put some of those photos on my Facebook soon. I have to unload my camera...

I got there on Thursday, the 24th. Barbara went with me. She is like a 2nd daughter to me and a best friend too. Also, she is like a girlfriend with Jenny. It was great traveling with her. We went out to dinner with Jeff and Jenny every night and on the day of the Oscars, the security was impossible to believe!! Nobody could get into the hotel unless they knew someone (like me!) They had told us the day before that there would be no cars in or out on the day of the awards because all of the limos that bring the stars will be parking in the Renaissance parking garage. So, we parked ourselves at the bar, which was right at the front door so we could see people coming and going. I learned a lot about who goes to the Oscars each year too. Most of the people that were hanging out at the Renaissance bar were "seat fillers"...what a good job. They actually PAY people from all over the USA to come and fill those seats. Some of the people I talked to said that they hade been applying for YEARS and finally got the call. I guess it is sort of like being picked to be on Survivor or The Amazing Race or Big Brother. All I know for sure is that I am putting my name on that list for next year and hope I get the call to join in.

Barbara had given Jenny a Margarita Machine for Christmas and so Jenny brought it to my room and we had margaritas every night!!!

I knew how busy the kids were with their own lives and so it warmed my heart that they both took so much time to be with us. I am one lucky gal.

It is sounding very OFFICIAL...

2011-02-10T07:32:00.003-05:00

John says June 2011 will be his last month to work. He says this is it for sure!! I am sure we will adjust to that just fine. However, it is going to take some getting used to. Jenny will be working on her Master's and Jeff working on his Phd and me and John just vegging out here at home.

John did say he would do some traveling with me. He will visit the kids with me when I go and I might be able to talk him into some other trip if I had anywhere to go. I really don't care to travel and "see the world". If I have a trip planned, I want it to be to see my kids.

By this summer we will know where the kids will be for the next few years and I guess my traveling will be looking for a new place out west for us to live. Someplace easier to visit the kids. Moving is sort of a pain in the butt though. But I think I'd enjoy looking for another house.

We will see what the future holds.

Retirement...

2011-01-03T11:01:00.002-05:00

How can it be that I am old enough to retire...long past it too. Where did the time go? I see other people who are 66 years old and I cannot believe that I too...am just that old. I felt pretty darn old when I started drawing my Social Security. That was when I was 63 and then half of that went away when I started having to pay for Medicare last year!!

But now I am facing real retirement. I suppose I have been retired since I took maternity leave 31 years ago to have Jeff. I never went back to work after that. From that moment on, I was a stay at home mom. When Jeff was 2 and a half, I got pregnant with Jenny. At that point, I sorta knew that my "out of the house" working days were over. I never wanted to go back to work and have actually been very happy staying home with them, and after they were out of the house, I still never felt the need or desire to go back to work. I would have waves of wishing I was working and even looked for a job a couple of times, when I would possibly get close to actually HAVING a job, I would change my mind. I liked staying home too much.

I am 5 years and 5 months older than John. I never "felt" older than him and it has never been any sort of issue with us. He just turned 61 and is seriously talking about retiring. He is tired of working and wants to see what all the fun is staying home. Quite frankly, I'm not ready for him to retire!! It isn't like he has hobbies or things that he wants to do at home. But somehow, it worries me. Financially, we are in great shape. He has a lovely military retirement, plus he will be getting some government retirement and eventually SS. Money isn't the issue at all.

When the kids were little, I know that they consumed my every thought. I devoted myself to them and their activities. In the back of my mind, I worried about what life would be like with me and John when they were both out of the house. Well, since they have both been out now for over 5 years, I can tell you that worry was needless. We sort of drifted right into a natural "groove" for ourselves and it has actually been a really nice time with just the 2 of us. But he was going to work 5 days a week and even did a bit of traveling from time to time. I have always been Ms Independence and for whatever reason, it has all worked very well for us.

However, now I am facing the reality that he may be home all the time, every day. We always "get along" so I why should that worry me? I don't really think he will be as happy as he thinks he will day after day. I think he NEEDS something outside of the home to keep his mind active and occupied. In years past, his work has always been so important to him. As the years have gone by, I suppose he has "lost the flavor". I suppose time will tell in this situation. I think he has another few good years of working in him and I know he still has a lot to offer his employer. Maybe it is the fear of the unknown that has me worried. I guess the conclusion of this story is yet to come.

Am I being selfish? I'm not just thinking of me, I am thinking of him and his well being also. I guess I'm just venting now.

We should give Thanks!!!

2010-11-27T04:23:00.002-05:00

I am thankful for many things. I have found as I have grown older that I am also growing wiser. It is a rotten shame that couldn't have had this wisdom when I was younger. They say that youth is wasted on the young!!! Well, I don't know if that is true or not...

It is a hard realization that as we get older, we are less important to our children. I'm not saying that they love us any less...but we are actually less a part of their lives. That's the way it was with me when I was younger and my own mom was still alive and I know that is the way it is with my children. In reality, I wouldn't have it any other way. However, when I'm the one sitting home wondering what my children are up to...it could be very easy to feel left out or to be less thankful. It is wonderful that they have full lives and just "check in" with me. I have friends who complain about not hearing from their children. I am so lucky that I don't have that complaint!!

I look back at my life and I wonder if I would change anything if I had a chance. I know that I would. However, I don't think I would change anything that would take me to anywhere except where I am right now. So, what would I change? probably nothing. But I made a lot of mistakes getting here. I suppose a lot of those mistakes made me who I am today. They say experience teaches a good school...but a fool will learn in no other. I guess I'm that fool.

Life is good...

2010-11-21T13:55:00.003-05:00

I am just getting over whatever it was. It could have been the flu, it could have been a sinus infection but whatever it was, those antibiotics knocked it out. I feel like I have been in a fog for a couple of weeks!! But today is a new day and I'm gonna make the most of it.

John and I will have Thanksgiving here with our 4 legged little girls. Then I will be looking forward to Christmas. Jenny will be here on the 15th and Jeff will be here on the 18th. Jenny is gonna fly home to go to Vegas with Dave for Christmas day, and Jeff and I are gonna drive to Atlantic City for Christmas day. I tried...but could not convince John to go with us. His favorite thing to do is stay home and chill.

I loved Christmas growing up. I used to sleep on the sofa close to the christmas tree, hoping to catch santa claus in the act. I never did!! My mom always made christmas special for me. I felt very much like an only child because by the time I was 12 I was the only child left at home. It was a life of mostly me and my mom. My dad kept to himself most of the time and we liked it that way. I wonder if the day will ever come when I don't miss my mom. She died February 10, 1985 and I still think of her just about every day. She put her children before everything else and always made me feel special.

The last few years that we lived together were mostly good times. I moved home in May, 1974 after the auto accident and splitting up with you know who. I got a modest settlement regarding a bit of insurance I had because of the accident. Ten thousand dollars to be exact. I took that money and in October 1974 I bought a little house for me and mom. The cost of the house was $28,000. I paid $10,000 down and took over payments of $120 a month. I went back to work for Boopa Pritchard as a legal secretary. Mom and I were torn between the house I bought and another one that would have also been $10,000 down but the payments would have been $200 a month, and I just couldn't swing payments that big!!

I wish I could relive those last couple of years with mom in that house at 4123 Olivia Drive. I married John in May of 1976 and moved to Mississippi with him. Mom stayed in that house until she got so sick with complications from breast cancer that she moved in with me and John in 1981. I would change a lot about those couple of years we lived together. I would have spent more time with her. I would have gone to church with her every Sunday, the way she wanted me to. She worried about me until I met John. I think after I met him, she felt like I was gonna be ok. She loved him dearly and was so happy that we got married.

She was worried about me because I dated a lot and she just thought I'd never settle down. I was determined not to get married again, but I did party a lot and wish now that I has spent that time with her. She loved living in that house on Olivia Drive. I sold that house in 1998 for about $80,000. I had the same renters for 16 years.

Very embarrassing moment!!!

2010-09-28T03:43:00.002-04:00

Sunday I was hurrying through the Charleston airport to catch my flight back home. It was pretty crouded and I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to things going on around me. I knew I wanted to stop by the ladies room and pee before I got to my gate so when I saw the sign, I hurried in. I sat down and as I was peeing, I heard MEN'S voices!!! What...I stayed quiet and continued to listen....I looked under the stall and I could see 3 men standing side by side...obviously at urinals....I had gone into the men's bathroom. OMG...what now. I sat there for a while hoping it would clear out but each time someone would leave, another one or two would come in. I had to get out of there. I stood up and braced myself and very calmly opened the door. Two guys were there and they looked at me and then they looked at each other...they smiled at each other and I scattered as quickly as my legs could carry me. I was soooo mortified!! So happy that little episode is over, but looking back on it, I suppose it was funny. I should have calmly looked at them and just said "I'm a transsexual", but I couldn't think that fast. Next time, I will check out the signs more carefully!!

What I really don't understand...about God

2010-09-02T09:26:00.004-04:00

This is a touchy subject!! but I'm thinking about it and feel like I want to write my feelings and perhaps someone can help me with it. It's all about religion and spirituality and things like that.

I'm so confused on this subject, that it is really hard for me to say exactly what I believe and don't believe.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and my mom made me go to church every Sunday, and if I didn't go for any reason, she made me stay in all day. This usually always motivated me to go.

So, in my opinion, I was brainwashed at a very early age to believe in Chrisianity and Jesus dying on the cross for me. My church even taught us that it was a sin to dance. When I was a teenager, I took an oath at church not to dance because it was the devil's work. Of course, I never stuck by that. I was very active in my church as a young teenager and young adult. I believed it all. I was baptised at the age of 8 and was very anxious to get this done, because I thought my soul was surely damed to hell if I didn't get baptised.

When I got married and left home, I stopped going to church. I just felt like I could still be a good Christian without showing up every Sunday. I partied and drank with my friends and the subject of religion just didn't come up very much. I was a good person and kind to others but religion just didn't come up and it wasn't a part of my life for many years. I didn't question my belief's cuz it just didn't come up.

When I married my current husband in 1976 we didn't go to church and really never talked about it. He had been raised a Catholic but had left the church and just didn't believe in any of it. Not in Jesus, not in God. He just believed we should all be good people and when we die, we die. No hearafter or any of that. He never prayed because he didn't believe there was anyone to pray to. But I can honestly say, I believe that he is the most honest, truthful and faithful person I've ever known. He is truly a good man. He never condemned anyone who had religion. He just thought it was something unnecessary in anyone's life. Actually, we just didn't talk about religion much. I thought I was a good Christian and my job would be to lead him to the Lord with actions rather than words.

However, as the years went by, I started to question my entire belief system. According to the things I was taught in church growing up, if he was right he would surely end up in Hell. But that made no sense, because he was such a good person. This was the beginning of my confusion.

When we started having children, I wanted them to have the experience of Sunday School and going to Church. So I took the children regularly from the beginning, and I went myself for several years. They both went to Christian Pre Schools and Jeff even went to Catholic school the first and second grade.

It was about 1990 and Jeff was around 11 and Jenny was around 8 when I stopped going to church and stopped taking them. One of Jeff's very good friends was Jewish and once Jeff came to me because he was confused because he knew that his friends belief's were quite different than what he had been taught. He asked me if his friend would go to Hell because he didn't believe that Jesus was the son of God. This question really put me on a path of confusion!!!

I don't even remember how I answered Jeff, except I probably told him that I was sure they would both go to heaven. And I didn't know who was right.

By this time, the children knew that John didn't believe and they loved and respected him very much. John is probably one of the smartest people I know and personally, I was beginning to believe that just maybe he had it right. But my doubts lingered for years. But we didn't talk about it much. I did start going to a weekly bible study group in my neighborhood hoping this would help me and it ended up making me more doubtful than ever. The people in the group just made me feel horrible because I had the nerve to even question God's word!!

Years past and when Jeff was in high school or college (can't remember exactly which one) He took a course on religions of the world. I was very interested in this and we talked about the different cultures often. Until that time, I didn't realize that every religion is so very much alike. We all have our "saviors" and so many of the events in the bible took place in other religions too...like the flood and the famines and other stories that I had always thought were strictly Christian happenings. At this point, I asked myself.....How in the world is it possible that only we who believe that Jesus is the son of God will be the only ones in heaven. Christianity was a tiny religion compared to all the other religions in the world. If what I had been taught as a child was true, there would be no Jews, Budda's, Hindu or Muslims in heaven, they were all wrong!!! I knew this could not be true.

It was at this point that I realized religion was something I didn't understand at all. I no longer believed that only Christianity is right. I knew that I had to have an open mind to other possibilitys.

By the time all of these doubts came to my head, the only siblings living were my brother, Jack and my sister, Mary Lou. I have tried to talk to both of them about my feelings and they refuse to even consider the possibility that we were all brainwashed. My brother died some years back and I'm sure he died thinking my soul was damned to hell because of my lack of belief's. I can't talk to my sister about it, because she just says I'm wrong. She says I just have to believe it because the bible tells me so. The die hard Christians just won't have an open mind to any other possibilities.

So, here I am 66 years old and not really sure what I believe. I do think there is something out there that controls some things in the universe. I don't think it is a man with a long white beard. It's some sort of force of nature, something that makes us want to be good people and kind to others. That wants us to help others and be open to everyone's belief's. I do pray. I say "Dear God......" But I don't know if it is just because old habits die hard or what. I feel like that if there is such a thing as heaven, I'll go there. I know that I am a good person, but i don't believe in organized religion and I don't believe that Jesus was the son of God. I think he was a great man and probably did wonderful things...but he just happens to be the Christian profit.

So many of the young people today, including my own children and many of my nieces and nephews have all the same doubts that I do. So, I know I'm not alone.

I guess my question is what is GOD? Does this "force" or whatever it is control everything that happens? I hear so many Christians say "everything happens for a reason" Don't we have free will? Is everything already decided for us and we have no control over it? I'm not trying to make anyone change their belief's, I just wish I understood my own belief's.

Most religious zelots are a laughing stock and evangelists have an awful reputation for just trying to get rich off of poor believers.

In closing, I will say this. I have a reoccuring dream...it is just about always the same. I am at different places when it happens but it always happens the same in my dream. It gets very dark outside and then the sky starts to open and a bright light shines through and I can see that image of GOD (and he is a man in my dream) descending down through the clouds with his arms outstretched and when this happens...I am overwhelmed with happiness. I feel a joy that I cannot explain and I always say to myself "so it's really true...there is a God"...I know that what I'm dreaming is the end of the world and I love that dream because my heart is always filled with love when i wake up. Why am I so confused over this? Deep in my heart, I believe John is probably right and when we die, it's just over....but what i truly want to believe is that dying is truly the beginning and not the end.

The bible is just a book. A bunch of scholars got together and decided what to include and what not to exclude. I think major happenings were left out and many of the things in it are fiction. I don't believe that the bible is the word of the Lord.

Also, if God knows everything that is going to happen and controls everything that does happen, what good is prayer anyway? Hasn't he already made up his mind? Can we change it with prayer? Is prayer and the belief in God just a crutch for people? Why is it that when something good happens in our lives, we thank God and believe God is so good...we thank him for a beautiful day or a wonderful event...what about the horrible things that happen like awful birth defects, or natural disasters that kill thousands...doesn't God have a hand in that too?

But on the other hand....I think having a GOD is important in all societies. I don't understand why but some people just need to believe. I would love to hear other people's belief's and ideas on this!!! If only to find out I'm not alone in my doubts.

The Story of Shadow and Angel

2010-07-01T09:33:00.003-04:00

In 2003 when Jeff moved to Los Angeles, he and his buddies moved into this large house where another kid about his age was already living. It was his family home, he had grown up in the house but his parents had separated and each had left town and he stayed in the house and rented out rooms to these boys. His parents had left rather suddenly I think because they left all their furniture, 2 dogs and a bird. Then the kid moved out leaving Jefff and his roommates with these pets. There was Shadow, a large german shepherd. A very playful solid black dog. He looked scary but he was sweet and loved to play ball all the time. He never tired of playing with his ball.

He probably weighed about 80 lbs. He was huge. Then there was Angel, she was a german shepherd mix and she looked almost like a wolf or a coyote. She was smaller than Shadow and a shy, quiet dog who just seemed to "tolerate" Shadow. Then there was the bird. He was a cockateal and he stayed in a cage outside all the time. The temperature in Southern California is always nice, and he was covered by a little porch in his cage if it rained. After a couple of years, someone left the cage door open and the bird flew away...never to be seen again!!!

Jeff lived in that house for about 5 years. The owner finally came forward and announced that he was going to sell the house. By this time, the house really felt like home to Jeff and his buddies. They were going to have to do something with these dogs. At this house, there was a huge yard and they were both outside dogs. They kept an old sofa in a covered breezeway kinda thing and the dogs slept on that old sofa, rarely coming in the house. There was no way Jeff would abandon the dogs. He was determined to take care of them.

Jeff felt like he could probably handle Angel in an apartment, but there was no way Shadow could live in an apartment. He was just too wild and rambunctious!! After much searching, Jeff found a german shepherd rescue place that agreed to take Shadow. What a relief!! After about 2 weeks, they notified him that they had found home for Shadow. Jeff moved into an apartment with his friend and Angel. That was about 2 years ago. They now live in an upstairs apartment and Angel is a big problem. She is old and has arthritis and can't go up and down the stairs very well at all. In fact, sometimes she can't even stand up by herself. Jeff will stand her up and carry her downstairs so she can go to the bathroom. She can't be left alone because she tries to go to the bathroom and makes a huge mess. Jeff said that he is bathing her every single day. I have been telling Jeff that it is time to simply put Angel down. We don't know how old she is but she has to be really old. It is hard for Jeff to let go. Hard for him to have her put down. I have been telling him it is time to do it for several months. The situation has gotten so desperate that Jeff has called every rescue place in Los Angeles, trying to find someone that could take care of Angel. When they find out her condition, the answer is always the same....put her down!! Finally, one place agreed to come see Angel and take a pic of her and see if they could place her. When the very compassionate lady saw Angel, she said the same thing to Jeff. You have to put her down. She guessed that Angel was at least 15 years old. She isn't very responsive to people at this point and her nature is to be shy anyway. As hard as this is, Jeff has made an appointment with a vet to have Angle euthanized on Friday, tomorrow!!

Jeff is spending these last days with her, petting her and giving her treats.

We can always say "death is a part of life", but when it comes time to let someone go, it is very difficult and hard to realize that it is the best thing for them!! RIP ANGEL...

Ready to Travel...

2010-06-29T15:13:00.002-04:00

John is in the UK on business and I am sitting here with great anticipation of my upcoming trip to Los Angeles. I will be there a whopping 10 days. Linda (my best friend) will be coming in on Wednesday and then on Thursday morning (July 8th) we will both fly to LA. She will be there for 4 days and we will do the touristy thing...movie stars homes, Jay Leno, and look for movie stars. Then we will see Jenny and Dave's play and she will fly home on Sunday. Then I will have the rest of the time to spend with the kids.

We will have lunch at the Ivy and dinner at Mr. Chow's. I can't wait..

Screwed up post....

2010-06-21T23:34:00.005-04:00

This next post got all screwed up and I have no idea how. Somehow, it got published to the wrong Blog....I think it was in the beginning when I was trying to start the blog, I screwed up somehow and made another Blog and it seems to be named with just a dot....like the title is .

I am so stupid...so, when I realized that this one didn't post to the right place, I tried to copy and paste it....it turned out sooooo light it is hard to read....go to the bottom of the next post titled MY MOTHER...NANNY, and click where it says COMMENTS (0) and it will take you to the other blog and you can read it much better.... your comments will go to the other blog...but it is easy to read at least and you can leave a comment there.

This one is just soooo light....Thanks for reading....

My Mother...Nanny

2010-06-21T23:23:00.002-04:00

She was truly loved. When she died in February 1985 she had 13 grandchildren. She died in a nursing home owned by my neice and her grandchild and her husband. We were lucky in that regard because she didn't have to pay anything and everyone knew she was the grandmother of the owner. It was a sweet setup...but it was still a nursing home. She never wanted to go to a nursing home and she only went when she knew it was the best thing for her to do. Her mind was sharp as a tack right up to the very end. It was her body that gave out on her. To this day we aren't certain exactly what killed her.

It all began in April 1979. She came to stay with me while we waited for Jeff to be born. While she was there she showed me a lump in her breast. It was more on one of her ribs, but it was still a lump. She said she had been to the doctor a few weeks before and didn't mention it to him. She said if it was anything important, she thought he would have found it. I am sure the reason for that was FEAR. I told her I wanted her to go back to the doctor specifically to find out what that was when she got home. She said she wanted to go to a family reunion in July first. After that, she said she would go to the doctor.

She went to that family reunion and she ran into an old friend of hers. Someone she hadn't seen in over 50 years. He was a man who lived in their neighborhood way back when she was a young girl living with her parents. He was a little older than her and his wife had recently died and he had 2 little girls. He wanted to court mama, but her parents told him she was too young. She had forgotten about him til she ran into him all those years later at the reunion. They began a love affair. She was 72 and I don't know how old he was. He had remarried years before and his 2nd wife had died. Mama was in love again!! Daddy had been dead 11 years. His name was Leon. He lived in Alabama (where we were originally from) and mama lived in South Carolina, but he would come see her and he even gave her a ring. She was very happy.

Then she finally went to the doctor to find out about this mysterious lump. He said he couldn't be sure unless he biopsied. It was August 2, 1979 when she had the biopsy. I sat by the phone waiting for news. It was breast cancer and they did a radical mastectomy that day.

When she came home from the hospital we all took turns staying with her for weeks so she wouldn't have to be alone. It was me, my sister in law, Jan, Mlou and Bonnie who would take turns staying with her one week at the time. She was starting to recover...the doctor said her lymph nodes were clear, but he wanted her to have radiation anyway because the lump was actually growing on one of her ribs. She went through the radiation and then she started going downhill again. She seemed to get worse and worse. She couldn't breath and would cough all the time. She was weak and it became apparent that she could not live alone anymore.

I was the youngest daughter and I wanted her to come live with me. By this time Jeff was about 18 months old. We set her up with a hospital bed in our 3rd bedroom and things were going along pretty smoothly for a while. She had a really hard time walking. She never went downstairs unless John was home to carry her down. It was hard taking care of her sometimes and heartbreaking because she would get so sick sometimes. She needed oxygen 100% of the time. Jeff loved mama and she loved him so much. She read to him and he would lay beside her in the bed and tell him stories. I hope he remembers how much she loved him.

I loved my mama more than life itself. But when I became pregnant with Jenny, Jeff was 2 and a half and I had my hands full. It was so difficult changing her bed and taking all her meals to the bed and being up with her all night many nights because she would be so sick. Getting her to the doctor was a real challenge too. Mama felt so badly about me having to do everything for her. I know she hated it. John was in the Navy and he was gone part of the time too. I was overwhelmed to a large degree. This is when I kept the diary and wrote in it every single day pouring out my feelings in that book. It helped me so much, especially years later when I would feel so badly about mama being in the nursing home. She had to go there, I couldn't take care of her anymore, especially after my baby came.

One day, I was trying to help mama to the bathroom and she fell. There she was on the floor and I could not begin to pick her up. She couldn't get up. I went to a neighbor's house and asked the man to please help me get mama to my car. He back hurt and we just didn't know how badly hurt she was. We went directly to the emergency room. He doctor came there and they did xrays, etc. Turns out she was ok but the doctor told me that I could not take care of her anymore. In 2 months I would have a newborn and a 3 year old. He said he was going to put mama in the hospital for a week and during that time, I needed to have a plan for her.

Her granddaughter with the nursing home had already told mama she could come live at the nursing home but we were trying to avoid that. It was time for her to go there. But I didn't want her to leave before my baby was born. I wanted her to be there, I wanted her to hold my baby and to know my baby. Mama came home from the hospital and we had a plan. Jeff was so happy to see mama when she came home from the hospital. He said to her "you ar a sight for sore eyes"...we thought that was so cute.

So, my sister, Bonnie came to stay with us until the baby was born and then she would go with mama on the plane to Alabama where mama would then live in the nursing home. She stayed until Jenny was one month old. Thankfully, I have photos of her holding Jenny and we definitely created memories during that month after Jenny was born. It was in June 1982 that mama went to the nursing home. She lived another 2 and a half years at the nursing home. My neice would go see her daily. She had 2 daughters (mama's great grandaughters) and they loved mama too. I would go see her every 3 months. I did this and would take the children with me.

I have photos of Jeff and Jenny in bed with her at the nursing home. Jenny doesn't remember Nanny at all. She was only 2 and a half when she died. Jeff says he does have memories of her and remembers how much he loved her and he remembers the oxygen in her nose and going to the nursing home. He has good memories of her. And every memory I have of her is good. She was a truly self-less loving mother. She suffered so much in those last couple of years. Every time I saw her, I thought it would be the last. Earlier in my life, I thought I would die without my mother. She was my world...but after seeing her suffer so much. It was easier to let go of her and know that her suffering was overwith. I remember the very last thing I ever said to her. I was getting ready to go back to Virginia and I told her how much I loved her and I also told her that if my children would grow up to love me as much as I love her, then I would know that I had raised them right, and I would be a happy woman. I will always love my mother and it has been 25 years since she died. I miss her so much.

Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

When Daddy died...

2010-06-14T19:39:00.003-04:00

The last time my entire original family was together was at my father's funeral. That was in July 1968. I was 23 years old. It was a very difficult time for all of us and not only because we were at a funeral. That part wasn't nearly as hard as he had made it for us. I did cry and I can honestly say that I felt sorry he was dead (but only for an instant)...I can't even say that I actually grieved him being dead. None of us were close to him and he had a mean streak. Even our relatives couldn't believe some of the stories we told about things he had done. He seemed to be good and kind to others. It was just mama and us kids that he abused. The only one of us that he didn't abuse was Mlou. She said he beat her a few times but not like the rest of us. He thought she was the smart one. That was because she was quiet and never talked back to him. Whatever he said, she would say nothing...ever!! and the rest of us would voice our opinions and it would only enrage him when we would disagree. Mlou later told me that she felt different at the funeral because we were all crying and she could not. I can't speak for any of the others, but for myself, I don't think I loved him at all. There was mama, her face swollen and blue where he had hit her minutes before he died. He had been being very careful with his temper, and actually hadn't hit her in years. But that day, he couldn't hold it back anymore.

I have heard different accounts of exactly what happened that day. But the basic facts are the same. My sister, Louise and her 2 daughters (Beverly who was about 11 years old and Barbara who was about 9 years old). Beverly did something that annoyed daddy. What I heard was that she just kind of hit the wall with her hand, the way a kid will do sometimes when they run by. When she did, a coco clock that we had on the wall fell down and he lit into her screaming and yelling at her for doing it. It was obviously an accident! My mom jumped in to defend Beverly and daddy and her started throwing punches. From the looks of her face at the funeral, he got in some pretty good blows before it was over. During the fight, Louise tugged mama away and told her to let's get out of here. They ran to the car and pulled out of the driveway. And here is where I have heard different stories...one story I heard was that when they got down the road a bit mama realized that she forgot her purse and at that moment they saw a police car going by so Louise flagged him down and asked him to go back to the house with them to get the purse because they were afraid of daddy. The other story I heard was that she flagged the policeman down to go back and arrest daddy because he had beat mama up. In any case, once they got back to the house, Louise and the policeman walked in the house and there daddy was sitting at the table slumped over with the telephone receiver in his hand. He was foaming at the mouth and appeared to be dead. The policeman immediately called an ambulance and mama rode in the ambulance with daddy to the hospital. He was dead...

I lived in Columbia, South Carolina at the time. That was about 100 miles away. I was working there and I remember it was Jack that called me and when I answered the phone, what he said to me is "Pop went back to his old ways..." He said dad and mom had a fight and dad had a heart attack and died. Bonnie also lived in Columbia then so the next day she and I drove to Charleston. When I walked in and saw mama I was so angry at him for doing that to her. I was glad he was dead at that minute.

Daddy isn't in that family photo that I put here on the blog. It was taken the weekend before he died. Since Louise was in town, we decided to all get together at Mlou's house. Little did any of us know, it would be the last time we were all gathered in the same place. I don't miss him and never have.

It spells volumes that we didn't even ask daddy to be in he photo we took that week before he died. In the photo...I am in the foreground and Louise is at the far left, ,then Jack, Mama, Bonnie and then Mary Lou.

Even more...

2010-06-12T00:20:00.002-04:00

My mom never worked out of the house until I was in the 6th grade. I was the only kid left at home then and she went to work at the local high school in the lunch room. She was the "lunch lady"... My dad was very stingy with the money and mom usually made most of my clothes. But after she started working we started buy my clothes ready made at the store. Working gave mom an independence she never had before. She had her own money and she would give me spending money.

Jack was the first one after Bonnie to get married. He had joined the Air Force when he was 17 and was stationed in Lincoln, Nebraska. He met a girl out there and told mama he was going to marry her. He was 17 and she was 15. Those two stayed together for 48 years and as far as I know, they were very happily married all those years. That doesn't happen much these days. Jack picked on me something terrible when I was young. He would do things just to torment me just because he could. Many times he would wrestle me to the ground and have a jar of mustard (I hated mustard) and he would hold me down and force me to eat it by the spoonful. He would do the same thing with vinegar too. He would usually do it when mama wasn't home or she was out of sight cuz I don't remember her ever getting on to him about it. But he would always get the better of me. I couldn't beat him...but I would get him back..I would do things like put my finger in his drink when he wasn't looking. Somehow, this gave me some measure of satisfaction. Perhaps the most traumatic thing Jack ever did to me was to catch a cockroach and he held me down and put it on me. I was so terrified of roaches, and I still am to this day. At first, I thought he didn't have anything in his hand and he was only teasing me but I soon found out that he was holding a live cockroach and he let it go on me while holding me down. I am still traumatized by that. He never picked on any of the other girls, only me. I think he may have been jealous of me since I took his place as the baby in the family.

Years later, shortly before Jack died I had a long talk with him and I told him how badly I felt when he tormented me years earlier. He said he was sorry and that he had no idea it was hurting me emotionally. Jack had a bad heart by the time he was in his early 50's, same as my dad. He was sick off and on for years and had to retire early because of his heart. He died when he was 65. His wife, Jan lived for about 5 more years, then she got cancer and died. She was a good wife to Jack all those years. And she took good care of him when he got sick. They had 3 daughters.

I'm on a roll now!!

2010-06-11T17:13:00.003-04:00

Rollerfink inspired me to write more. Actually, I was talking to Jeff the other night and I told him how I used to keep a diary and he encouraged me to write here again. He wanted me to write about my childhood and Jenny has been asking me to do the same. I'll write about stuff as I remember it. There is really so much to tell.

I think the most complicated of my siblings was Bonnie. She was the one I was closest to. She died when she was 57 years old and that was 21 years ago. She had been married several times and even spent an entire year in a mental institution when she was in her 30's. Her past haunted her. She had had a couple of abortions during her wild years and spent the rest of her life regretting it. Her husband had her committed because she tried to commit suicide. That's a whole story all by itself. Frankly, it's no wonder she was so depressed. She old me the story of when she was 5 years old. They had a cat and the cat got pregnant and it mad my father so angry when those cats were born. There was barely enough food to feed the family, let alone trying to feed the cats. I guess that is why he did what he did. They lived near a stream that ran behind the house and when the kittens were born, he told Bonnie to take them down to the stream and drown them. What a terrible man he was...so Bonnie did just that and she says that at the time it didn't bother her at all, but after it was over she couldn't get the image of the kittens with their little heads under the water out of her head. She was tormented by that and the fact that she felt like she had killed her unborn babies. I would hear her say many times that when she died she would get to see her babies again.

I think it was when she was in the nursing home that she got religion. We were brought up in the Southern Baptist church and went to church every sunday. All of us except daddy. I never knew him to set foot in the church. But when she got out of the mental institution, it was different...she was truly saved and people could hardly stand to be around her in the beginning because she was so happy about finding Jesus and she wanted everyone to feel what she felt. She carried her bible everywhere and took every single opportunity that she could to "preach".

She was truly having a love affair with Jesus. She even made up her mind that she wanted to be a Nun!! I don't know how she did it but somehow she had her previous marriages annulled, even the one to her current husband. So that she could take the steps to become a Nun. She continued to live with him right until she died, but it was strictly platonic . The love of her life was Jesus. She never did quite become a Nun but she did spend a lot of time down in South America as a Missionary. I believe she went as a representative of her church. She would take clothes down there and preach and save all the souls that she could. She first got introduced to that area when her husband went down to Belize for some sort of sabbatical. He was a Professor at the University of Connecticut and had his Phd. She went with him and I guess she saw a need for God down there. In fact, she went down there several times after he came home and when she would go, she would stay for months at a time. The last time she went, she came home with malaria. She was so sick and nearly died. After that, she was a type I diabetic and had to have insulin shots daily. The malaria destroyed her pancreas.

We were stationed in Connecticut when she died. I am so thankful that I was able to spend the last 3 years of her life seeing her regularly and spending lots of time at her home. Jeff and Jenny got to know her and Uncle Bill. Uncle Bill would play Mr. Wiggly with the kids and battleship. He was a good and kind soul. Bonnie had been telling us off and on for months that she was having chest pains but she wouldn't go to the doctor. Finally, we were spending the weekend with her and she had one of the chest pains. I had never been with her before when she had this. She sort of convinced herself that it was angina and would take Bill's meds when she would get the pain. That night, I convinced her to go to the doctor the next morning. The children and I went with her and this was a Monday morning. The doctor told her it was probably heartburn and even did an ekg. He hooked her up to a heart monitor. One of the ones you wear for 48 hours and take back to the doctor. John was out to sea at the time so while he was gone, the children and I would spend lots of time with her and Bill. We ate at Friendly's that day. Little did I know that would be the last of so many times we had eaten at Friendly's with her. She went back to the doctor a couple of days later and the doctor told her she needed to see a cardiologist ASAP. He even called and made an appointment for her the very next morning. She called me and left a message on my answering machine telling me what the doctor had said. she said she would call back later that night and give me the details. Well, I got a call later that night, but it wasn't from Bonnie....Bill called to tell me that Bonnie had died. She went to have ice cream with some neighbors when she got home from the doctor. This friend of hers had 2 children and they were about 5 and 7 and they only lived a few blocks from the ice cream place, so they asked their mom if they could ride in Aunt Bonnies car back to their house. The mom was going to walk. This lady said that Bonnie pulled out into the traffic and she watched the car barely excellerate and then it just drifted off the road and into a stone wall. When the car hit, the hood flew up and flames started coming out. Can you imagine the terror in that mom as she saw that happening with her 2 children in the car. Someone else apparently saw it too and they called the fire department, and I guess an ambulance came too. Bonnie had died at the wheel. One of the children said that she asked for a bite of their ice cream cone and when she took the bite, she said "oh, that is so cold on my heart"...and then she slumped over the wheel and was dead just as quick as that. The next time I was at their house, it was so sad to see the car sitting in their driveway and in the seat was a completely melted ice cream cone. Jeff was 10 at the time and Jenny was 7. They both drew pictures at the funeral and before they closed the casket, we put the pictures in the casket with her. Her 2 sons were grown then but I can still remember Bill and the 2 boys standing over the casket crying. I miss her!!

The Beginning...the part I remember

2010-06-11T04:49:00.003-04:00

I was 3 years old when my family moved from Alabama to South Carolina. My father had acquired a job at the Charleston Naval Shipyard as a Machinist. He had been in South Carolina for a year training for the job and finally the day came when we would join him. I distinctly remember riding on the back of a truck with all of our furniture. I'm not sure if I rode there the whole way, but I know I was there for a while and there was an old man in the back of the truck who had lost his voicebox for some medical reason and he couldn't talk unless he pumped on some sort of tube going in his neck. I was so fascinated with that contraption. I remember just starring at him. Strange thing to remember, but that's all I remember about the trip itself.

My parents had been poor share croppers in the south, barely living from hand to mouth. I don't remember any of the times when we didn't have food on the table, but my sisters have told me stories of those days. It was a rough and terrible time for the whole family, I'm sure. When I was born, my oldest sister, Louise, had already left home and married. She was 19 years older than me and always seemed like an aunt more than a sister. My next sister was Bonnie. She was 12 when I was born. Then Mary Lou who was 9 and my brother Jack was 6.

Jack hated having another girl in the house. When I was little, he always told me how much he wished I was a boy and how disappointed he was when mama came home from the hospital with a GIRL. I was the only one of her children born in a hospital. She had all the others at home. My mom has told me stories about when I was born and bringing me home and how excited the children were for her to be coming home with a new baby. She said she came home in a taxi and when it pulled in the driveway, the 3 kids just ran beside the car and she felt sorry for Mary Lou because she was so far behind the other children. I refer to Mary Lou as Mlou and she contracted polio when she was about 18 months old and wore braces on her legs and has always been considered the weaker one in our family. We all had brown hair and brown eyes, except for Mlou, she was a blue eyed blond. My daddy used to always say that she looked just like his mother and when I see old pics of my grandmother, I have to agree with him. She does look an awful lot like her, she was dead before I was born, but the others referred to her as Mama Lawrence. My Papa Lawrence was still alive though and I do remember him. He died when I was 8 years old. But I digress...

We are moving to Charleston, South Carolina. Daddy had found us a house at 1801 Norwood Street and we lived there until I was 6. I remember living in that house. I remember lots of children in the neighborhood and I had happy memories of those days...for the most part. The bad memories I have are mostly of when my dad would come home after going out drinking and gambling and he and my mother would get into a fight and he would beat the shit out of her. I remember her having at least one black eye and telling people at church that she ran into a door rather than telling anyone the truth. My dad was probably mentally ill looking back on it. He was very paranoid and distrustful of people, even the family. He was very hard to get close to and I remember him always being argumentative. I have no idea why my mother stayed with him, but she did. He had a bad gambling problem and on paydays, he would stay out late and we children knew the shit would hit the fan when he came home. I don't remember getting beaten in those early days. I got enough beatings once I was older though. He had a leather strap hanging in the bathroom and that is what he always used. I remember my mom would tell me to go find a switch and I would have to fine a little branch from a tree and she would peal the leaves off and switch it back and forth on my legs. I don't remember her ever hitting me with a strap the way daddy did. But my brother Jack got the worst of the beatings. In fact, much of the time daddy would be beating on Jack and my mom would jump in trying to stop my dad and he would start beating up on her. I don't think I loved my dad very much. I thought of him as a mean man and not loving at all. My mother made up for that in spades. She was the most loving and caring person. I was the baby of the family, and I always felt like she loved me best. I think she had a knack for making each of us feel that way.

Bonnie was a wild child and got in lots of trouble and she got married when she was 14 to a guy 25 years old. His name was Bill Blankenship. She was way too young to be married and when we were going to South Carolina to live, she was only 15 and didn't want to be that far away from us. So, she left her husband and moved with us to South Carolina with us. She later told me that once she got to SC she found my dad way to strict on her and she wanted to move out. I'm not exactly sure how the chain of events happened in here. I don't really remember if she moved with us and called her husband to join us there or if they came together. But she and Bill Blankenship found a small apartment. They didn't stay together long and he went back to Alabama and she got a divorce, but she was on her own and would spend lots of time with us and I would stay with her at her apartment sometimes. Those are very happy memories for me. She would always treat me very special and buy me things. I adored her and loved spending time with her.

We lived in a tiny little house and I don't think I had a bedroom at all. I remember sleeping with different people each night. Sometimes it would be in the bed with my mom and dad and sometimes in the bed with my sister Mlou and sometimes with Jack. If I had a "place" I don't remember it at all. But I was happy for the most part. I was afraid to go to bed alone and I remember my sister, Mlou laying with me until I would go to sleep. I always knew she would get up once I was asleep, so I would hold on very tight to her arm, thinking she couldn't get away if I held on. I remember being a spoiled child. I felt very loved and my mother meant the absolute world to me.

We never had a car back in those days and when we went anywhere it would be on the bus. One of the family activities that I remember is taking the bus to the movies on Friday nights. One Friday night we were going to see the movie FRANKENSTEIN. I sat there during that movie and I was terrified. I was probably around 5 years old and when we left the theater Jack would scare me and say Frankenstein was following us. I remember on the bus ride home, I was sure we would all be killed by this monster before we got home. However, we made it home safely and later that night for whatever reason I was sleeping with Jack. Everyone was asleep, and the house was dark. I thought I heard something at the window. It was a high window that I had to stand up on the bed to see out of. I slowly stood up and peeked over the edge of the window sill. There, starring me directly in the face was Frankenstein...I thought it was him, I knew it was him. I jumped under the covers terrified and I think I was just too scared to even scream or wake Jack up. A few minutes later, I peeked out of the covers, and there was another window on the other side of the bed. This window was eye level as I laid in the bed. I looked through that window and I caught a glimpse of him walking by the window, it was Frankenstein. I felt very relieved that he was leaving and still too scared to move from my bed. I was frozen in place for I don't know how long. Finally, I got up and ran to my mother's bed and woke her up and told her the entire story. She comforted me and I went back to sleep. No one in the house believed my story, but to this day, I believe that a man was at our window. In my 5 year old mind, I saw Frankenstein but I will always believe that there was truly a peeping man there.

Time Marches ON!!!

2010-05-16T02:58:00.002-04:00

OK, I have forgotten Kelly (not really) and I'm moving on with my life. My knees are great. I can actually walk until I am tired. I never could do that before. It is so great!! Jenny's birthday is Tuesday, the 18th but we Skyped tonight so she could open all her presents from this side of the country. Jeff and Nicole came over and so it was great for me and John to sit here and Skype with them.

Jeff got his Master's Degree and now he is looking for a job. He would love to find something at one of the Universities but we will see what happens with that. Hopefully, he will be starting USC in the fall working on his Phd!!

He moved into a new apartment. Now he lives with Nicole. She seems like an absolutely adorable girl and to the best of my knowledge, they are just great friends!! though I don't think I would be sorry if something more came of it. But I try to stay out of it cuz what will be will be!!

I'm looking forward to a trip out to LA in July. The first 4 days I'll be with Linda (my best friend) and then I will spend time with Jeff and Jenny. I will see her play, which opens June 12th....It is about an evening with Picaso. I had no idea that the real Picaso had written a play, but apparently he did and he and his friends got together one night in the 30's or 40's to read this play...So, Dave wrote a play about this and it is a comedy and I can't wait to see it. The play that Picaso wrote was horrible and I guess the play involves all the "happenings" of that night.

Jenny will be acting in the play as well as producing it.

That's about all for now!! If you read this, please leave a comment. I love comments.

A new puppy or not?

2009-12-10T15:42:00.002-05:00

Ok, finally...John has agreed that if I want a new puppy, I can go for it. Now I just don't know. For a long time I've been saying I want another one cuz these 2 bring me such joy. Now when I am faced with the possibility, I think of possible "not so great" things about another one. First there is the potty training...but I can deal with that. I wonder how Stella and Cindy will take to another doggie around here? I hate to change the mix when the mix seems to be so perfect now. However, Cindy is 10 years old and I know when she goes, I'll be very distraught. I think that is why John even agreed to it in the first place. First of all, I'll wait until the spring in any case cuz I don't want to be potty training in the cold and snow.

I've been looking at photos of the Schnoodle. Getting a puppy that is half schnauzer and half poodle seems perfect to me. But 3 dogs!!! I don't know. Right now they both take up so much room on the bed that I'm not sure there will be room on the bed for me and John if we put another one on there. Interesting thought...

If anyone has any words of wisdom on this, I'd surely appreciate the input. Oh, BTW...today I went to the mall and I walked all the way from one end to the other and all the way back again, stopping at stores along the way. How about that for improvement in walking. My ankles gave out on me but not my knees. I think I could walk 20 miles on my knees. I had my right ankle fused in 1999 and the left one in 2001 because of the arthritis and so the pain isn't exactly in my ankle joint but in the front of my foot where the long bones are. I have read that this is one of the trade-offs when you have your ankle fused. It is certainly not bad enough to even think about looking into an ankle replacement (thankfully). I am just so grateful to be able to walk as much as I do. Snow is my enemy though. I gotta talk John into moving somewhere that there is no snow...perhaps when he retired!!

Feeling kinda useless today

2009-08-29T12:48:00.002-04:00

I got up early today (for a change). It was 9:30 am and I had nothing to do. So I decided to just go to the craft store down the street and look around...I've always loved to do crafty things and I thought I'd look for a project. When I went in I was in a fairly good mood and I went up and down every isle there. I did see things here and there that sounded like they would be fun. I love doing things with modeling clay and beading. But I would talk myself out of each and every project I came to because I would say to myself..."what's the point". In the past when I've done art projects, I've usually had a little kid that I'm working with or playing with. I always loved doing these things with my kids. Jenny was particularly interested in these projects. I had a girlscout troup for many years and I think that was my big attraction. I just loved doing these projects.

I left the store and as I was walking to my car, I couldn't help but start to cry. I had no real reason to cry, but I felt extremely sad. I thought to myself...why should I be sad...then it hit me. I had NO ONE to play with. I didn't even have anyone that I could think of to make anything for. Handmade things are so very cheesy and no one really wants them. I had a feeling of overwhelming sadness. I felt useless!!

So, I drove home and as I pulled into the driveway, I could hear Stella and Cindy barking. I knew that they had heard me opening the garage door. As I walked in and continued to hear them bark, I started feeling anxious to get inside. When I did get in, they both were so excited. Stella immediately ran and got a toy for me to throw for her and Cindy was jumping straight up and down with joy. My heart felt happy. I knew how much these little girls loved me. I sat down and petted both of them and told them both how much I loved them. They do fill my life with joy.

I know that I am loved and I know that John needs me and I need him. I felt badly for even having a moment of feeling sorry for myself. I am very lucky in this life and I can say for sure that I'm walking better now than I have in years. I'll always have problems with my ankles and I may always need to use a cane. However...I could walk forever on my new knees. They are 100% better after the surgery.

Back from all my travels...

2009-08-18T19:21:00.004-04:00

Kelly and I got back from our road trip to Charleston and Virginia Beach on Sunday. We had a great time and got to spend lots of quality time with Mlou and Linda. It is always fun to travel and see friends and relatives... But the best part of traveling is getting home. I lead a pretty dull life, but as they say "it's my life"...I like it this way.

I used to think I really wanted my children to live close to me. But as the years go by, I realize that we are all happier just like it is. I'm a twitter away from both of them and if I was in the same town, I'd probably be interfering with their lives.

I truly did enjoy being with Kelly. She will be 15 years old in October. I have been caring for her off and on ever since she was born. Even at 2 years old, she would come and spend weeks at a time with me and cry when she had to go home. I am amazed that she likes spending time with me, but she does seem to. The road trip went by very fast cuz we played loud music and laughed and talked the entire trip. I miss her.

2009-08-18T19:21:00.001-04:00

The Visit with my Son, the Scholar!!!

2009-08-03T17:54:00.002-04:00

I sure do miss Jeff....we spent every waking moment together for 2 weeks. What a sweet and wonderful son I raised. I am also very pleased with the relationship he has with John...such respect (for each other)...

We did a little bit of everything. Jeff has started eating fish and so I went on a fish cooking frenzy and he tried flounder, talipia, rockfish, mahi mahi and others I can't even think of. We stayed up til the wee hours of the morning and slept in just about every day...shopped just about every day and the big thing that he did for me was clean out my storage room...wow!!!! We took about 16 bags of stuff to the good will and another 4 carloads full of stuff. My storage room looks GREAT..thanks to Jeff. He also cleaned out his closet and the drawers in his room. He worked like a maniac while he was here.

I got a new fancy phone and bluetooth and he taught me how to use all of the special features. Now I can tweet and facebook from anywhere. I'm keeping up with technology!!!

Tomorrow he leaves for Albuquerque, NM for a weeklong History Convention. Cal State Northridge is sending him there with all expenses paid. He has built up himself quite a reputation in the "academic history" world and is making tons of contacts by going to these conventions. There is a freeze on hiring teachers in California, so I think he is going to have to look elsewhere while he completes his Phd. It would be great if he could find something at a museum as a curator or something along that line. Time will tell what he does until the freeze is overwith.

I am a happy mama right now because I know how well he is doing...and Jenny and Dave have just moved into a temporary sublet for 3 months, then they will be looking for a permanent place. She is sub-letting her college roommate's place while the girl goes to India to work on a reality show.

65 years and counting!!!!

2009-08-01T17:37:00.002-04:00

ok, I had my 65th birthday. Jeff was here for 2 whole weeks. We had a great time and he flew back to Los Angeles yesterday. I miss him already.

You know what is bugging me? Well, turns out that when you turn 65 and you become eligible for Medicare, I had no idea of all the changes that come about. Who knew Medicare cost money? I guess I never thought about it before and sure, if you have this service, you should pay for it...but everyone is always saying how it is unfair and I just figured it was free. Of course, I figure it is fair to pay for it. Here is another thing. Since John was in the Navy for 31 years, I qualify for TRICARE FOR LIFE. Well, this turns out to be a pain in the ass also. When I called the other day just to make an appointment to renew my prescriptions, they tell me I've been dropped from the register at the clinic I usually go to. She said it was because I turned 65 and I have to re-register. I called the main hospital and I have to go in and sign up. She SAID I was more than 30 miles from the main hospital, so I would not be eligible to use the Fairfax Clinic, and I would just have to find a private physician. At first, this seems unfair...then I thought about it a while and thought....this is a good thing...I will get my healthcare all paid for and I don't HAVE to go to the military clinic. I can choose any doctor I want. I am feeling really good about this when the Tricare lady calls me back and said she made a mistake...I am only 16 miles from the main hospital and so I can continue at the Fairfax clinic. So, it appears that I can do either one I want to. I'm going to re-register and I can either go to the clinic or choose a private physician. The Military healthcare is set up like an HMO...so if I need a specialist...I have to get a referral. So, when I feel I need a specialist now, all I have to do is call that civilian specialist and as long as they take Medicare, I'm good to go. So, I can still go to the clinic for my runny nose and refilling my meds, and pick my own specialists. This is a good deal and I'm very happy with this turn of events. Turning 65 might not be so bad!!!

The Tricare lady told me that Medicare will pay 80% and Tricare will pay the 20% balance. What could be better than that?

There are many things they don't tell you about Medicare though. First of all, you MUST register for Part B or Tricare won't cover you!! Also, I got this letter from Medicare telling me that I am going to have to pay twice as much as the usual fee because my income is too high. What is that all about?? Oh well, nothing I can do about it. I guess I'll just be happy that I have health care for life. Who can complain about that?

BTW, my knees are doing great. I am going to visit Mlou in Charleston for a few days in August. I will drive down and my Faux Granddaughter Kelly...will be going with me. After having Jeff here for 2 weeks and feeling sad that he is gone, this gives me something to look forward to.

Happy Birthday TOMORROW...to Mlou

2009-07-16T14:45:00.002-04:00

My only living sister has a birthday tomorrow. She will be 74 years old. My family had surely dwendled through the years...but I guess that is what happens as we get older. Time marches on and a new generation takes over!!

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I just got back from Target and a lot of walking. My knees are doing great and I am more thankful every day that I had them both done when I did. I feel like I have a new lease on life in many ways. John has been in the Ukraine for the past week and he will come home tomorrow, and then Saturday Jeff will be here for 2 weeks. So I am a happy camper.

Jeff is a vegetarian so I am going to cook lots of meatless meals while he is here. I will have to toss in some meat for John but personally, I kinda like most things without the mean. I don't think I could ever go 100% vegetarian though. First Jeff was a vegan. That was when he was in high school. Then he switched to vegetarian. I have no idea where he got that from, but he is faithful to it. I love me a good old hot dog sometimes though and I could never live the rest of my life without a reuben now and then.

The more I write on this blog, the more I realize that I don't have a lot to say. I remember asking my mom to keep a diary for me and she made an honest effort to do that but most days there just wasn't much to write about and that is how I feel now. I don't feel strongly enough about any issue to make a point of it and for the most part...my life is pretty dull..but dull is good. It just isn't very interesting to read about.

So, I expect to be really busy and happily doing stuff with Jeff for the next 2 weeks.

Today I am Sad...

2009-07-07T16:49:00.003-04:00

I just watched the Michael Jackson Memorial on my computer. First of all, I don't believe he was a child molester. No one will ever know the real story of that, but personally, I dont believe it. He was truly a loved person. I have read all the headlines, and it certainly looks like he just wanted to sleep. Now he will sleep forever! I am sad for his passing and I feel very sad for his family. I don't care what anyone says...he was the greatest performer I ever saw, and he had more talent than anyone.

So today I'm alone. John is out of town and I've been sitting here at the computer watching this live stream all day, it seems like. I just don't feel much like doing anything. Yesterday, I walked a lot. I went shopping and was out of the house most of the day. Last night my legs felt great. Today I'm having to use my cane because I'm not walking much. I should go get on the treadmill for a while. I may do just that.

Catch 22

2009-07-05T07:24:00.003-04:00

Although I am doing wonderfully with the progress of my knee replacements. I do have a dilemma to deal with. You see, because of the injuries I received to my ankles 37 years ago TODAY (in fact) my ankles are very weak and have been fused to the point where I have very little movement in them. I had some bone loss due to them being crushed and they are held together now with 3 large screws in each ankle. I think I'm stuck with this senario for the rest of my life. No matter how great my knees get...my ankles will always keep me handicapped.

The more I walk on my knees, the better off I am. The pain is practically nothing at the end of the day if I have done a sufficient amount of walking. When I don't walk so much, they get stiff and I have more pain. The catch 22 is with my ankles, because the more I walk on my ankles, the more pain I have. Thankfully, it is pain that I can walk through. I can't walk nearly as far as someone with healthy joints, and the pain isn't such that I MUST stop walking (like the knee pain was before the surgery) Before the surgery, the knee pain was debilitating and I simply could not walk or bend my knees. So, all in all...I'm way better than I was before, but if I had good ankles, I'd be running by now. On the other hand, if I had good ankles, my life would be entirely different too and I could be a lot worse off than I would want to think about. So, I spend my time thanking my lucky stars to be where I am. Although it does get frustrating sometimes.

Thanks Jim...

2009-07-02T06:08:00.002-04:00

Jim said to write what is on my heart. Well, what is on my heart this morning is love...I remember before I had any children, I had the misfortune of having 2 miscarriages. When I was on my 3rd pregnancy, I was so afraid of another miscarriage. I just though...if I could just get through this 9 months and have a healthy baby...that's all I would need in the world...then I did have that healthy wonderful baby and was lucky enough to have another one 3 years later. I never understood how much my mother loved me until I had my own children. I am sure that just about every parent loves their child like this. It is a wonderful thing!!

The part that is hard is when they are teenagers and on their way to adulthood, you wish so much that THEY could learn from YOUR mistakes. Why do they have to learn things for themselves. Sometimes we try to help them too much. And in doing that, we aren't helping them at all. I just couldn't help myself sometimes though. Luckily, they are suffering no ill effects from any mistakes I may have made as they were growing up.

I wish I could make their lives perfect. I wish that fixing their problems were as easy as kissing a wounded knee or buying a stuffed toy. Now that they are adults, all I can do is hope that they ask me for advice and not give it unless they do. That is hard for me. Sometimes I want to just tell them what to do. Knowing that they are going to do whatever they feel is best for them at the time. When does this need to "parent" end? I had no idea it went on forever like this. I used to think when you're 18 you are on your own and able to take care of yourself completely. At least that is what I thought about MYSELF. I've always thought my children needed me (even if they really don't) I know it is something that just makes me feel good.

Through my broken marriages I lived with my mother off and on until I met John. I wish I had those days back. I used to go out at night after work and my mom would always complain because I went out all the time. She wanted me to spend more time with her. I would give anything for that time now. I would be the happiest person in the world if I could just sit down and talk to my mom and tell her how right she was about everything. One thing I am very happy for is that before she died, I told my mother that if my own children would ever love me as much as I know I loved her, then I would know that I had been a successful mother.

I know that my children have to make their own mistakes, and all I can do is sit back and watch and be here to listen when they want to talk. But I wonder if it ever gets easier. My sister is 9 years older than me and her children are older. Recently, I asked her this question and she assured me that it never gets any easier. No matter how old they are, you still want to be included in their lives and are interested in every aspect of their lives. You still worry about them and their children, but there really isn't anything you can do to help them if they do have a problem. It surely is great when they include you. I am very lucky, because even though my children live 3,000 miles away, I hear from them several times a week. In many ways, my life still revolves around them.

Wow!!!

2009-06-30T22:19:00.002-04:00

Why didn't somebody tell me how BORING my blogs are? Jeez, oh man....how could anyone read that and get any enjoyment out of it. I may have to start blogging about more intimate stuff. Is anyone up for that???

Sunday morning...

2009-06-14T09:14:00.002-04:00

John has gone to play golf and I'm home with Cindy and Stella. What great comfort they are to me. I love both of them so much. Who would ever think that a couple of doggies could bring so much love to my heart.

Jenny and Dave left Friday morning to go to Williamsburg and Grant's wedding. They will be home sometime today. Tonight the 4 of us will go out to Ruth's Chris' Steak House. It is one of our favorite places to go when Jenny is in town. They will leave on Wednesday to go to Boston for a few days and then on to New Hampshire and Dave's sister's high school graduation.

Sometimes I feel lonely. John is busy with his job and when he comes home he immediately gets on the computer to do all of his work emails. I spend hours a day at the computer myself. I can't believe how much time we both spend just sitting here doing what we do on the computers. Actually, it is kind of cute. We have the computers set up side by side in our family room. John has a pc and I have a Mac. I don't know what I would do without John around to help me with everything technical. When I have any sort of problem with the tv or my mac or anything electronic, he is Johnny on the spot. He just understands those things, or actually knows how to figure them out. I am not smart with things like that at all. I do remember that it was back in 1989 and I was just beginning to hear a lot about computers and I thought this is going to be something really important someday. I wanted one!! John and I talked about it and he would ask "what will we do with it?"..I told him that I had no idea but I would figure it out.

When we went to buy it, we went to Radio Shack and I remember that we had the option of getting one with or without a hard drive. Without the hard drive, we would just always have to put a disk in. We opted for the 20 meg hard drive. Not knowing why we would need it or what we would do with it. I think 20 megs is like a grain of salt in a hard drive of today. So, there we were with this computer and nobody knew what to do with it. I read in the paper that the local community college had computer classes starting. It was BEGINNING DOS. I signed up for the course. After that, I took INTERMEDIATE DOS and I was learning how to move around in DOS. This was way before they ever had Windows. I learned how to do a spreadsheet and how to put a document on the pc and print it out. As I learned these things, I taught them to the children. We bought software and were playing a lot of games and I was communicating with a local "chat" group. We also got PRODIGY, which was I suppose one of the first interactive software programs that let us connect with the world. I was on it every single day and I eventually made friends with other "Stay at Home" moms and it was a daily thing for me to get on Prodigy and talk to my friends who were spread all over the USA. There were 10 of us and we met every single day and would spend hours chatting back and forth. It was actually more like emailing and when we would write to one, it would go to all. We kept up with each other's lives for over 4 years. I am still in close touch with one of those ladies. She lives near San Francisco and we all met her family when we were visiting John's mother. She recently came to DC for a convention and I spent time with her. She has 2 sons and the youngest was being potty trained then and I think he recently finished college!!! Where did the years go.

But progress came creeping along and Prodigy went by the wayside and Windows took over and all of a sudden everyone had a computer. How could we live without it...How did we ever live without it. I remember first hearing about the "internet" and how the world would someday all be connected at this one central place. I couldn't grasp it. I didn't believe it, but hey, look where we are now.

I'm glad we got that first computer. My children learned the keyboard and did their homework papers on the computer very early on. I can't help but wonder what all the changes will be during the next 20 years. We have come so far these past 20 years.

CONTINUED...FROM LAST POST

2009-06-11T00:19:00.002-04:00

We didn't get divorced for 4 years. That is when the best part of my life began. I met John. The absolute love of my life. In many ways, I find it hard to feel so terrible about that awful accident. Because if that had not happened....I would never have met John.

I had been separated from Pat for almost 2 years when I met John. Having just gone through this knee replacement and being laid up just like I was 37 years ago, I can tell you...it is a lot easier when you have a loving and supportive husband by your side.

John waited on my hand and foot and just was a dream come true for me and my rehabilitation through this. Things are getting back to normal and I wonder if I'll ever be able to repay him for being so kind and understanding when I was "down". I am the luckiest gal in the world to have him.

With age....comes wisdom!!!

2009-06-10T03:28:00.004-04:00

I think about my life a lot. I remember the past a lot and I think about mistakes that I made. Man oh man would I love to go back and do it all over and I'd change soooo much of it. At this moment, I'm remembering my courting days that eventually led to my 2nd marriage. Since I had already gone through a failed marriage a mere 4 years earlier, one would think that I would be more cautious.

My roommate and I decided to move to Charleston from Columbia. We were both dating sailors stationed in Charleston and thought...what the heck...lets move. My roommate was very serious with her guy and I think they were even engaged. I was just starting to date my new guy. It just seemed like a good time to move back home. We moved in with a girl we had met on a previous trip to Charleston who was looking for 2 roommates. She live in a very nice apartment complex with lots of singles and a huge pool. It was really ideal for us.

On our very first night in the apartment, we went out to the Air Force Officer's Club. It was a Friday night and they always had a great band and lots of dancing. Well, I was sitting at the bar and across the room, I see this guy looking at me...I think he's cute, so I smile back....in a little while, he comes over and introduces himself. His name was Patrick and he was really cute. We danced every dance and closed the place down. He went home with me that same night. He left early in the morning and called me later that day to see if we could get together that night. To make a long story short....we stayed together for the next 7 nights. On that 7th day, I got roses sent to my office...I'll never forget the card....it said "to Lawrence of Arabia...7 days and 7 nights". He was a Naval Officer and he made it clear to me right from the start that he wanted to have fun and had no intention of marrying ANYONE...EVER. I liked him a lot, but really didn't have marriage on my mind either. However, looking back on the entire situation, I know now that I was on a mission to change him...show him that marriage could be a good thing. We dated for a year and a half exclusively. He had a bad temper sometimes for no reason at all. I hated that and if I had any sense at all, I would have called it off right then and there. But something inside of me just couldn't let go. When he would lose his temper, he would always apologize and say it wouldn't happen again...etc. He never hit me or anything like that. But he would throw food on the floor if he didn't like what I cooked or scream at me if I didn't do something just like he wanted. I was a fool. I thought if I kept my tail between my legs, he would see that I was a good person. I really think it had become a CHALLENGE for me.

Well, one day he came home from work and said that he had received orders to be stationed at Fort Knox, Ky and he said that he loved me and wanted to be with me the rest of our lives. He went on to say he didn't want to get married, but would I wait for him and we could be together during his time there with visits, etc. I told him that if he left without me, I could not make any promises about being here for him (bad mistake on my part)...so, one way or the other...he asked me to marry him and go with him.

Our best friends at the time was a married couple and we spent most of our spare time and dates at their house and doing things with them. They kept encouraging us to get married (I guess misery loves company) Patrick would later tell me that he felt PRESSURED by this couple to go through with the marriage!! I had plenty of doubts about whether or not I was doing the right thing. It just didn't feel right to me. I didn't really believe that he loved me and I had doubts about my love too. I was 27 years old and somehow, felt like it was now or never.

We did have a beautiful ceremony at the Gazebo on the Battery. He hired a horse and carriage. We had the full dress military with the swords...and 3 girls playing harps...It was really beautiful. My sister, Mary Lou was Maid of Honor and Al Kreutner was Pat's best man. After the ceremony, we had the reception on one of the harbour tour boats. It was all so perfect.

Except for the fact that Pat and I both had WAY too much to drink. Somehow, we got back to the Mills House where we were gonna spend our wedding night. There were 2 beds in the room and he passed out on one and I passed out on the other one.

Our honeymoon was a sailboat trip from Charleston to Hilton Head. As soon as we returned from that we headed to Fort Knox and his new duty station. We were married on June 3rd, 1972 and soon after we moved into our small apartment, the 4th of July was approaching and we decided to take a weekend trip up to Ohio where his parents were camping. It was the trip home from this trip that the horrible accident happened and my legs were injured. I spent the next 13 months in the hospital and Pat and I never really lived together as husband and wife after that. I stayed with him to help him finish his Master's Thesis but he had his bedroom and I had mine. We knew it was over!! In fact, we both knew it should never have taken place. We were divorced on May 22, 1976.

I was angry at him for years, for not staying beside me like a faithful husband. He didnt visit in the hospital very often and resented the fact that my mother was living with him. She would spend all day, ever day with me at the hospital. I needed her there especially because he just didn't love me anymore and we were staying together only for my medical care.

When I moved home with my mother, I swore I'd never marry again...this was my 2nd marriage and I didn't want to try again. I bought a nice little house, mom moved in with me and we were happy (most of the time)....It was May 1974 when I moved home with mom. I still needed more surgery and I just didn't know what the future held for me. Pat had a new girlfriend and they were living together.

Oh Happy Day!!!

2009-06-04T18:54:00.002-04:00

I am happy to report that Jenny and Dave will be here on June 11th for a few days and Jeff will be coming home for 2 whole weeks in July. This makes me happy!!!

John will be coming home tomorrow. Seems like he has been gone forever. When the kids were little, he was gone what seems like "most" of the time. Being stationed on a submarine means hat he went out to sea very often. I would see some of the wives and kids crying and carrying on something awful when the boat would leave. I always tried not to make much of a big deal out of it because I didn't want to upset the children. They knew that when daddy was gone, there would be many trips to FRIENDLY'S for dinner and always ice cream afterwards. John being gone wasn't such a hardship on me because my job was always to take care of things at home. If something broke, I knew who to call. I always knew that John's work was important to him and he did a good job there and was willing to let me handle things at home. I think that is why we always got along so well.

When John was Commanding Officer of the USS Albuquerque in Groton, Ct. Jeff was about 8 and Jenny was 5. We went for a roadtrip with my sister, Bonnie. We went to Boston for a couple of days and the children saw Plymouth Rock and the Children's Museum in Boston. We stayed at a hotel with a pool and I had Jenny wearing a swim sweater while she was in the water. That evening she kept complaining that her shoulders were hurting. I figured that the swim sweater had irritated her skin and didn't think much of it. We drove back to Bonnie's house and spent the night with her before we were going to travel on home the next day. Both children were playing and acting normal. But the next morning when I woke up and Jenny was sleeping beside me, I felt of her head and she was absolutely burning up with fever. I immediately panicked and put the children in the car and started the 30 minute drive home so that I could get Jenny to the doctor. I went straight to the pediatrician's office. He examined her and said it was probably a virus and not to worry. I took her home and put her straight to bed. She didn't improve all day long and my mother's instinct just told me that all was not well. Her pediatrician was a civilian doctor and I just hated to go back to him the very next day, so I took her to the Navy hospital on base. The Pediatrician there told me the same thing. I was frustrated and just felt that my hands were tied and really didn't know what to do. I took Jenny home and laid in bed with her and she would sleep off and on and she continued to complain that her swim sweater had hurt her shoulders. I was a nerveous wreck!! John was out to sea and I knew he couldn't do anything to help matters anyway. I couldn't do anything except worry about Jenny. By the next morning, I hadn't slept all night and her fever continued to spike and she just was no better. I bit the dust and went BACK to my original pediatrician, and insisted on seeing a different doctor. This time, I saw the head of the practice and he was my favorite doctor anyway. Once he examined Jenny, he immediately told me that she had to go to the hospital. He said he would drive and I should follow him in my car. Jeff was with me, so I called a neighbor and asked her to please pick Jeff up from the pediatricians office and take him home with her. I would call my sister Bonnie from the hospital to pick him up.

Jenny was laying in the back seat, still so very sick. I followed Dr. Long to the hospital. They admitted Jenny and immediately did a spinal tap. Dr. Long explained to me that Jenny's neck was stiff. I hadn't realized this before and of course, I really panicked then. After what seemed like hours, the doctor came into Jenny's room and asked me if Jenny had been bitten by a tick recently. I told him not to my knowledge!! He explained to me that they thought she had Lyme Meningitis. They hooked her up to IV antibiotics for 7 days and each day she improved. To this day, I dont' remember any tick bite. Once Jenny was better and the doctor said she could go home the next day...I called John and told him all about it. I was torn as to whether or not to call him during the ordeal, but I knew Jeff was safe with Aunt Bonnie and I could stay with Jenny 24/7 and there was really nothing John could do except worry with me. In the end, I made the right decision about not calling him.

Jenny was fine, but what I didn't realize is that she may have been left with arthritis in many of her joints. Years later, she would complain about pain in various joints. After reading about Lyme Disease I found that one of the later symptoms is arthritis. Although Jenny was later tested, I have since learned that Lyme Disease is a very misunderstood disease and the tests are faulty. I just pray that the antibiotics she had were enough. But I'm fearful that it wasn't. I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime, Jeff would go running with his cousin Harry and Bonnie would take him swimming and he had a grand time staying with her.

I have my doggies to comfort me!!

2009-06-01T17:09:00.003-04:00

John is still in Russia and Linda left this morning. What a wonderful week I had with Linda. If you look up the word friend in the dictionary, you will see Linda's picture. When she came last Monday, she brought home made dishes for every single night she was here. She had prepared them at home and brought them. We had chicken salad, veggie soup, beef stew, and so much more and ALL made from scratch. Now I will go back to my tv dinners and frozen pizzas.

Since Linda and I are both from Charleston, SC we LOVE boiled peanuts and nobody makes boiled peanuts like the street vendors in Charleston. So we bought 2 lbs of peanuts and made them the old fashioned southern way. They boiled for over 12 hours and were delicious!!!

We went to Ikea one day and I walked what felt like the entire store. I had to sit down and rest a lot but by the time we finished our trip, my ankles were hurting more than my knees. I will say that I took ALL of the next day to rest up. My knees were quite sore cuz I had used muscles and tendons and ligaments that I didn't even know I had. Once I was up and walking again, my knees were better than ever. I should do that every single week. There were lots of little trips for her and we spent our evenings talking about all that we had been through over these past 30 years and just sat around watching tv. What a wonderful and relaxing week. Linda helped me re-pot some plants and she seemed to be working too hard. She took very good care of me and I hated to see her leave this morning.

She brought her precious doggie, Murphy with her and so we had the 3 dogs to watch play all week also. The three of them are so cute together. I don't know how anyone survives without a sweet little doggie to love them back.

John will be home on Friday and I'm fine to take care of myself. Linda was a wonderful "transition" for me. They took out my hospital bed while she was here and I would gradually do more and more things around the house. I think I can honestly say that here, at the 5 week mark, I could not be any better. I'm still slow and a bit unsteady on my feet. However, half the time when I get up to walk I forget where my cane is. I read somewhere that this is a good sign. Once I forget my cane....I know I'm walking better.

Now I have Jenny and Dave to look forward to coming for a visit. They will be here June 11th.

They will go to Grant's wedding in Williamsburg and then they will fly to New Hampshire to Dave's sister's high school graduation, then back to Los Angeles. I also have a visit from Jeff to look forward to in July. LIFE IS GOOD!!!

On the treadmill

2009-05-18T14:16:00.004-04:00

I walked for 20 minutes on the treadmill today and yesterday. I have NEVER been able to walk on a treadmill. I have the speed at the absolute slowest, but hey....it's progress.

John is going to Russia next week and my girlfriend, Linda Carter, is coming to stay with me. She lives in Virginia Beach. We actually went to high school together, but I didn't know her in high school. She was a few grades behind me. Her ex husband and I were the same age, and I knew him better than her. It was in 1978 and John and I went to our first Lamaze class when I was pregnant with Jeff. And there across the room, I saw Mark Carter and his pregnant wife. I sort of recognized her but didn't know her name. I spoke to Mark and we were all surprised to see someone from our home town. We were in Norfolk, Virginia at the time where John was stationed in the Navy, and Mark owned the local Western Sizzlin restaurant. Linda and I became fast friends talking about our pregnancies and how much we wanted a baby, etc. Her baby was born 3 weeks before Jeff.

We were both nursing and there were several other ladies that she knew who were all nursing and so we decided to get together every Thursday morning and just talk about our baby boys and nursing and all the things we had in common. As the boys grew, we continued meeting on Thursdays every week. We would meet at different places, sometimes at our church nursery and as the boys grew, we began to meet at the McDonald's playground. Then when the boys grew and needed more stimulation, we started going on outings to the Children's Museum in Portsmouth, VA and to play putt putt. Once we went to a horse farm. The amazing thing about this group of 4 or 5 ladies is that a few of us had little girls after a few years and we would stop going for a little while but we would always start back up and then our little girls were playing together. This group stayed together until our boys were 7 years old. That was when John got orders for us to move to Connecticut and he was going to be Commanding Officer of the USS ALBUQUERQUE. Linda told me that the group would get together occasionally after that, but it was never a regular thing after that.

Through all these years, Linda and I began to rely on each other more and more, and she has without a doubt, become the best friend a person could ever have and she is truly my soul-mate. I treasure her friendship. We have been through hardships together and comforted each other through all sorts of things.

When her son was about 5 or 6 years old, her baby girl was about 5 months old. Linda wanted to stay at the hospital with Brett, but she didn't want to stop nursing Ashley. I kept Ashley and let her nurse me every night and every day. I would take Ashley to the hospital to meet Linda downstairs and they would bond and Linda would give me breastmilk for the evenings. Once Brett was all better, Ashley was still nursing just like before. I even had milk starting to come in. It was quite an experience.

When Jeff was 3 and Jenny was only about a month old, he started running a fever in the night. No other symptoms, just the fever. I was giving him tylenol regularly and at some point in the night, he started convulsing....OMG...I was scared to death. I had always heard that someone could swallow their tongue and die during an episode like this, so I stuck my fingers in his mouth to hopefully stop that from happening. Jeff just clamped down on my fingers and I could not get my hand out. I was in such a panic....but my first thought was to call Linda, who is a Registered Nurse. She told me to take him into the shower immediately and let the tepid water run over his head to bring the fever down. I did this and all the time, my finger was still clinched in his mouth. FINALLY, he let go. In the meantime, Linda had called 911 and they were at the door...minutes later, Linda came in. They were putting Jeff in the ambulance and I was able to go with him because Linda grabbed Jenny and followed us the the hospital. She would bring Jenny back to me in the emergency room and I would nurse her. We were at the hospital most of the night. It turned out that Jeff just had a febrile reaction...He never had another convulsion but he was always prone to very high fevers and strep throat. That was what this turned out to be. Linda was there for me and I'll always be greatful to her for that.

Now 27 years later, she is coming again to stay with me while John is gone. I am walking pretty well and I think I'll be just fine, but I surely am looking forward to her visit and our catching up.

One Day at a Time

2009-05-16T17:05:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I wrote sooooo many paragraphs and told a really good story and we lost power and I lost the whole thing. Grrrrrr Don't you hate that? Well, on Friday the PT guy took me walking around our cul de sac, and today I did the same thing with John. Actually, John and I walked up the street to the next cul de sac over and so I did walk further today. We are thinking about me trying to get on the treadmill tomorrow. That is gonna be a challenge cuz I've been afraid to try it. However, it is supposed to rain tomorrow and I gotta keep walking. I'll keep you posted.

The only pain reliever I'm taking now is tylenol and the pain is actually minimal. It is mostly really sore and gets stiff easily....uh oh...it is starting to thunder and lightening outside. I think I'll cut this short before I lose the few lines I've written. More later.

I walked around the cul-de-sac today

2009-05-15T14:10:00.003-04:00

The physical therapist came and we went for a long walk. He walked beside me with my walker that has a place to sit and I used my cane. I only stopped to rest once and walked all the way around the cul-de-sac. He is gone now, and I'm bushed...I feel like crawling up in that hospital bed and taking a nap, but I'm going to resist the urge and write some.

John is going to Russia on the 26th and my friend Linda (Carter) is coming to stay with me. I went to high school with Linda but I was a few years ahead of her. I can't say that I actually remember her from high school but we ran into each other years later when we both lived in Virginia beach. Actually, I knew Linda's ex-husband far better than I knew Linda. In fact, I had a crush on him in high school. We went to the same church but he never showed any interest in me AT ALL.

So, I was pregnant with Jeff, and John and I were starting a Lamaze class. On the first day, I see Mark Carter in there with his wife, Linda. I speak to him and the 4 of us sat together and became fast friends. I think we may have gotten together out of Lamaze class maybe one or two times. It was Linda and I who had the real connection. We had both had troubled pregnancies with having to take hormones and we both wanted a baby so much. We would talk regularly and visit now and then. Little did I know that this woman would end up being my soul mate for life.

Her baby came first. He was 3 weeks before Jeff. My mom was in town waiting for Jeff to come and we went over to Lindas and saw her baby. I knew my time was gonna be soon. It was about this time that the doctor decided I had better not try natural delivery because of the position Jeff was in. They did xrays, and he was too big to turn. He was a transverse lie. The doctor said he couldn't come out this way and it would be too dangerous to try. So, we scheduled the C-section. Linda and I were both nursing and she was part of another group of women who were nursing and we all decided to start a play group for our babies (all boys). I think there were about 6 or 7 of us in the beginning. The boys were maybe a year old at that point, possibly younger. So, we would meet every Thursday morning...in the beginning it was at our church, in the nursery and we eventually progressed to McDonalds. These boys played together every Thursday. As the boys got older, we started taking field trips every Thursday. It would be to the Children's Museum in Portsmouth, or Putt Putt. We even went to a horse farm one time. We had a couple of people to go and a new person here and there, but basically we had a "core" of 4 or 5 ladies and their boys. When Jeff was 2-1/2 I became pregnant with Jenny and we kept up with the playgroup. I probably missed some weeks in there, but as soon as Jenny was portable, we started up again. Then another gal had a baby girl and the Linda had a baby girl. Everyone would stop and come back as needed with their baby girls but the group continued on. Believe it or not, this group stayed together for SEVEN years. Yes, Jeff was 7 years old when John got orders for us to move to Connecticut. This was the demise of the play group, but it wasn't the demise of my friendship with Linda. We had become so close by this time that there was no breaking us up. I told her everything in my life and she was a life saver many times. We were always there for each other through those 7 years. I knew I had found my best friend.

There have been many times that we were there for each other, but 2 instances stand out for me. The first one was when Jenny was about a month old, my mom had just moved to the nursing home and Jeff was 3 years old. Jeff started running a fever and had no other symptoms so I just kept an eye on him and would give him tylenol. Well, at some point in the night he started convulsing. I was a panicked wreck. I put my finger in his mouth to hold his tongue down cuz I was afraid he would swallow it. He was clamping down on my finger and I could not get it out. I ran to the phone, and didn't call 911....Linda is a Nurse and I knew she would know what to do. I called her. He told me to go into the shower with Jeff and let the water run on his head. She cautioned me for the water not to be too cold but just tepid. I did this and in the meantime, she called 911 and hoped in her car and came immediately to my house. Jenny was in her crib and I'm sure she was crying because everything happened so fast. I don't remember hearing her though. I was soaked to the bone and so was Jeff. It was in the shower that he let go of my finger which was bleading by then. I still have a scar on my

When her son was about 5 he got really sick and had to go to the hospital for about a week. I kept her baby girl, who was about 5 months old and I nursed her that entire week. I would visit Linda with the baby during the day at the hospital where Brett was, and she would give me breast milk to feed Ashley. We did this for a week. Linda didn't want to stop nursing Ashley and Ashley took right to my breast. In fact, she preferred it to the bottle with breast milk. It was a wonderful and loving experience for me.

First Post Op visit today....

2009-05-13T18:39:00.002-04:00

Today (May 13) was my first venture out of the house. I had to go for my post op visit with Dr. Providence. He was very pleased with my progress and I was proud of myself. John let me out in front of the hospital and I walked with a cane all the way in. A nurse offered me a wheelchair and I declined.

I took a pic of Dr. Providence holding a model of my knee and it is on my phone and I'm gonna try and transfer it to here later. He said I was doing everything right and to keep on keeping on. I'll see him in another month.

I feel very hopeful today. The pain is minimal and all I really need to do now is build up my strength in both of my legs. The way my balance will get better is to build the muscles back. So, I gotta walk even more.

Jeff is in San Francisco speaking at a Maritime Convention. I'm so proud of him and his accomplishments. How could I have gotten so lucky with TWO children...Jenny just finished the run of her play and it was a whopping success and she is building a great reputation for herself in the theater world while all the time holding down a great job at UCLA. It is mind boggling sometimes when she tells me how busy she is. She will have 6 balls in the air at the same time, and balancing them all beautifully. I don't know how she does it, but it surely swells my heart when I see how successful she is.

Jeez, oh man, I think she and Dave have been together about 3 years now. He is a great young man and a very talented playwrite. I am happy that he and Jenny are together and they do seem to love each other. How lucky can one mama be!!!

Tonight is the season finale of LOST so I'm looking forward to that. There for a while I just lost interest in watching tv at all. But life is coming back to normal and I'm getting back into my normal "reality" routine with tv. I still can't stand long enough to do anything really productive....like cook dinner.....but John is doing a great job of taking care of both of us.

3 weeks since the surgery

2009-05-11T15:03:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since the surgery. I am getting better every day. Getting out of bed and moving around is hard, but once I'm up I always feel better. The physical therapist came today and said I was way ahead of schedule as far as range of motion and walking goes. He says next time we are walking outside!! He wants me to walk all the way around my cul-de-sac. I told him I couldn't do that before the surgery at all. So, this is going to be a challenge. I did walk upstairs twice while he was here.

Walking hurts!! Bending my knees hurts!!! but I do them. I had a dream last night that I was walking without pain and I was so happy. Don't get me wrong, it is getting better and the more I walk the easier it is. One thing I'm doing regularly now is letting the doggies out when they ask, so that is a step in the right direction. My appetite is better and I'm beginning to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. One day at a time.

Putting in a photo

2009-05-07T19:53:00.002-04:00

I tried to put this photo of me in the hospital bed right in the text, but just couldn't figure out how to do it. This photo was taken with my phone. But you can see that I have a regular hospital set up right there in my den.

I've been out of bed quite a bit today. My knees really hurt a lot when I do my exercises, and it would be so much easier to just lay there. In fact, I think that is what was making me have the low blood pressure problems earlier....just cuz I wasn't getting out of bed enough!! But, when you are nauseaus it is HARD to do!!!

Jeez, oh man...Jenny's play only has a couple of weeks to go. Her closing night is May 9th I think. The play has been sold out and they are having to add chairs some nights. I wish everyone could see her play. It is really so good. I am so happy with her accomplishments.

I don't think I mentioned any of this earlier this week, but I was really scared at one point. It was at Monday's physical therapy. The therapist had me doing all my exercises and I had already taken a couple of laps around the kitchen. Then he wanted me to go again. It was also my first day of walking with 2 canes instead of my walker. I had begun feeling ill about 5 steps into the 2nd walk. By the time I reached the kitchen counter, I grabbed it and told him I needed to sit. He brought a chair and got his blood pressure cuff. John was in the other room and when he heard the commotion, he came in. The therapist (his name is Brevard) was taking my blood pressure...he was on about his 3rd attempt. He told John he couldn't get a blood pressure and maybe we should call 911. Well....ordinarily, I would not hesitate to obey a health care official. But this time, John was the voice of reason and talked Brevard into "let's just step back and take a look here". They got me to the bed. I had not passed out but I was close to it.

They got me to the bed and did get a blood pressure reading of 90/60. We decided the best thing to do at this point was to call my primary care doctor because I have been on 2 different blood pressure meds for quite a while for HIGH blood pressure. This low pressure was a mystery. So, I called my dr. and as you would figure...he wasn't there but I talked to his nurse and she told me to just hang tight and drink plenty of liquids and she would get someone who could help.

About an hour or so later another nurse called and said they were still trying to reach Dr. Roser, and that I might want to go to the ER. Again, since I had no pain or shortness of breath and my blood pressure had stabalized at 100/65 we decided to wait to hear from Dr. Roser. In the meantime, she told me not to take any blood pressure meds and to stop the narcotics that I was taking for pain. Needlesstosay, that Monday night was not comfortable for me. But I agreed that taking anything that might lower my pressure would not be good.

You have to remember that my blood pressure had fluctuated wildly at the hospital and they had stopped my BP meds and I had started them back just a few days before. Also, I realize now that although I was getting up for physical therapy, I wasn't sitting up much and I did spend mostly all of the day in bed. Getting up to walk for 10 minutes 3 times a day wasn't enough. But, it was so easy to just lay there. The PT is hard. I'm making excuses...

So, Dr. Roser called me Tuesday morning and by this time, my blood pressure was 132/82. He told me to stop all BP meds and to start back with my narcotics for pain. And he said if my blood pressure went over 140/90 then I should resume only the one BP med. So far, that hasn't happened.

All in all...that was a major turning point for me because I have felt better and been more motivated to get out of bed, get on the computer and just sit in the easy chair. In fact, I have been out of bed for 5 or 6 hours today...a record for me...for sure. But I know it is for the best.

Today is exactly 2 weeks after the surgery and I feel like it is the first REAL day of my recovery because I've not had to deal with the general "ill" feeling and I haven't had that fear associated with the blood pressure. I was afraid of a blood clot and that might have been what was making the pressure so low. John seemed to think I wasn't drinking enough water also, and he probably was right about that too.

I am looking at the last 2 weeks and so incredibly thankful that I had both knees done. I would hate to have to think that I would be going through anything like this again. But who knows, if I had done only one....maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. Who knows?? I'm just gonna keep on taking one day at a time, and one step at a time. First the walker, now 2 canes...my next goal is one cane and then none. The hope of walking without pain in my knees drives me.

Day 13 after surgery

2009-05-06T15:36:00.003-04:00

WOW!!! This has been much more of a "punch" than I ever imagined it would be. I cannot believe it has taken me this long to even get on the computer for more than 30 seconds. I HAD to get on to pay some bills at one point, and just never felt like looking at emails, or blogging. But here it is...day 13 and I'M BACK!!!!

First of all, during surgery, I had a general anesthesia and an epidural and the epidural didn't take AT ALL. So, after surgery, I was in tremendous pain....once everyone realized I was getting nothing from the epidural, they started a morphine pump and the pain was eased to a great degree. The doctor said that the surgery was a success and everything looked great. Except for the nausea and pain in my knees and a general all over yukky feeling, I thought things were going fine. Then they noticed that my foley cathether (for urine) wasn't producing anything. They said my kidneys had shut down. After a bit of scrambling, they gave me 2 units of blood and the urine started up. My kidneys were ok.

They took me to a room and for the next 2 days I was totally and completely out of it. I hallucinated all the time and quite frankly, was very confused about what was happening. Quite an elaborate imagination was running through my head and I hardly even recognized anyone. They said I needed more blood and couldn't find a vein, after dozens of tries and my one available arm black and blue, they called in the people from anesthesia to put in a "line" for blood transfusions. They ended up putting that line between my FINGERS. I've never heard of that before, but that's what they did.

I was examined by Internal Medicine, because apparently I had a very low respiration and a very high heart rate. The fear was a blood clot. They sent me to X ray Dept to have some sort of scan. They said they couldn't do a CT Scan because of the fears they still had with my kidneys, but the scan they were going to do required that I lay on this table completely flat for an HOUR!!! after 15 minutes, I could not tolerate it any longer, the pain was unbearable and the pain was in my BACK. Having to lay totally straight was just something I could not do. I asked for a pillow, the technician said I couldn't use a pillow. This was the straw that broke the camels back ( ha, no pun intended)......I had the test stop and they took me back to my room. At this point, seems like all they did for the next day was draw blood and give me IV's.

I started manually drinking a lot of water. I forced myself to drink plenty and by now the catheter was out and I was peeing regularly. STILL, they came in with the bags of saline. I asked why and they said it was necessary. I didn't believe it. By this time, it is day 4 and I WANT TO GO HOME.

My ortho agreed that I could go home the next day. Internal Medicine wanted me to stay and still have whatever that test was that I had to lay still for an hour. THANKFULLY, (I think) my ortho won out and I went home on day 5.

Since that time, I have had a home health care nurse and a physical therapist coming to my home regularly and I am making progress. The nurse took my 67 staples out today. I'm walking around a bit with a walker and have been able to come off of one of the narcotics that I was on and now I am just taking the one every 4 hours for pain.

The fact that I even feel like writing today has me overjoyed. I felt so terrible those first days when I just couldn't talk to anyone....not even my children. They both called daily and John kept them up dated, but the nausea and hallucinating was just too overwhelming for me.

John has been my guardian angel through all of this. He didn't go into work at all the first week, and worked completely from home. Now he is going in in the mornings and is home by 12:30 pm each day and works from home the rest of the day. He has been a wonderful nurse and makes me realize what a great guy he is. I am truly blessed to have him loving me and caring for me. I couldn't have gotten any better or more loving and attentive care from anyone.

Now, for just a tiny bit of bragging. My son, who has just fininshed up his classes and teaching requirements at Cal State University at Northridge, has only his thesis to complete to get his Master's in History. One of the things that the graduate school does at the end of the semester is have an award's ceremony. This week at that ceremony, Jeff was awarded the highest honor that they give. It was for having the best graduate paper of the YEAR. He will be flying to a convention in San Francisco later this month to present this paper at a History convention. His dad and I are so very proud of him. He will come home for a little while this summer and go to the Library of Congress for research, etc. to complete his thesis. After that, he will continue on with his pursuit of a PhD in History.

I'm also looking forward to seeing Jenny and Dave in June. They are flying back to DC to go to Grant Cothran's wedding (a dear friend of Jenny's from high school) and then on up to New Hampshire for Dave's sister's graduation from high school. So, I have both of my babies to look forward to seeing very soon. This will help me in my recovery, I'm sure.

Tomorrow is the big day....

2009-04-22T15:54:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning feeling PANICKY...just started thinking about the whole thing. Jeez, oh man I'll be glad when I'm home from the hospital and on the road to recovery. I don't dread the surgery, I just dread the process. Does that make any sense??

So, thinks have gotten pretty bad around here since I can't do much of anything. I had to stop my pain meds, and I honestly don't think I could go another day like this. I walk only when I absolutely have to and that is with the help of a walker. I did try to explain to Cindy and Stella (my doggies) about me going away, etc. but you know what...I don't think they got it at all!!

John is taking the rest of the week off and he will work from home all of next week. That is a blessing for me. Because I just don't know what kind of shape I'll be in. All of this reminds me of 37 years ago when I had the horrible auto accident. I had been married only 3 weeks when it happened. Although we didnt get divorced for 3 years after that...the marriage was over the minute the accident happened. He just couldn't handle me being laid up like that. I was in the hospital initially for 13 months with occasional visits home on the weekends. My mother had come to stay with Pat (my then husband) and to be with me as much as she could. I think Pat just resented her being there. I really don't know what happened, except that I was a burden to him and he didn't want my mother to be there. However, if she hadn't been there, I would have really been alone.

I remember the nurses giving him a hard time because he didn't visit very often. My mom was there all day every day. She was the biggest gift I could have gotten then. She stayed with us for about 18 months total. She just left her house and her entire life and came hundreds of miles away from home to be with me. I truly appreciated it then and still do.

Looking back on the whole thing, it was the worst time of my life. Both of my ankles were crushed and one of them was so bad that the doctors wanted to take it off, and I just insisted that they keep trying to save it. I just couldn't handle the idea of the lower leg being gone. Eventually, after a very long recovery period and a bone graft to my left leg, I was up and walking again. Life at home was miserable. Pat was working on his Master's Degree at the time and I agreed to stay with him until he got it. I think he wanted me there to do the typing for his thesis. It certainly wasn't because there was any feelings left between us. The accident was July 4, 1972 and mom went home sometime around January 1974. I stayed on in Bowling Green, Ohio with Pat until May, 1974 when I moved back home with mom. We agreed that we would not get divorced, because he was in the Navy and I needed his medical benefits for another few years. I was still being medivaced to San Francisco at Letterman General Hospital for follow up treatments at the time. Pat had met someone else by this time and although he did want a divorce, he understood my needs.

I had a brace on one leg and the other was in a cast, but I called my old boss (I had been a legal secretary) and asked if I could "fill in" for other secretaries as they wanted to take their vacations. He said yes and I started back to working. After a couple of weeks, he asked me if I wanted to come back full time and be his secretary. I told him that I would love to do that, but I would need occasional time off for follow up meds, etc. He agreed and believe it or not...He fired his current secretary and re-hired me. We always had a great relationship and I was very loyal to him as a secretary. I worked long hours of overtime and was very dedicated. In fact, he had PAID for my wedding to Pat in the first place. He rented a huge cruise liner and the reception was on the water at Charleston Harbor. Such a beautiful outdoor wedding and a fabulous reception. That just goes to show you that a big wedding and reception certainly doesn't help the marriage survive. John and I were married sitting on a bar stool in his apartment. We were married by my very good friend in high school, who had become a minister. She was in the Air Force, and stationed near where John lived at the time. But that is another whole story that I will tell later. I mean about meeting and marrying John. He has been the absolute best thing that ever happened to me, and I would never have met him if not for the auto accident. Speaking of the accident.... Pat and I were living in Fort Knox, Kentucky at the army base and decided to go to visit his parents in Ohio for the 4th. We had a nice visit but for some reason, at midnight on the morning of the 4th, Pat woke me up and said "lets go home"...We have had a nice visit, but there are lots of things that I need to get done at home. I was sound asleep and didn't want to leave, but he insisted and so I told him I would just lay in the back seat and sleep. So, at midnight we headed out down the road. Somewhere around 4 am he stopped the car on the side of the road and said he had to sleep. It was a dark, deserted place and by this time, I "thought" I was wide awake. I was really afraid to stay at this lonely place on the side of the road. So, I got in the front seat and Pat got in the back seat and he went to sleep. I decided to start driving. I hadn't been on the road 20 minutes when apparently, I fell asleep. I remember being startled and I slammed on the brakes and all hell broke loose and the next thing I remember is laying in what felt like mud. Pat was taking his belt off and tightening it around my left leg. I knew I was hurt, but I just didn't know how bad. I do remember trying to feel down my left leg to see if it was still there. I couldn't feel anything. Our dog, GUS, was barking like crazy and when the ambulance got there he bit one of the paramedics. As they loaded me on the ambulance, Gus took off into the darkness. Pat rode with me to the hospital and after they took me into surgery, he went back down the highway with a police officer, and they found Gus several miles away running down the interstate scared to death. I loved that dog so much. He was a beautiful weimariner that Pat had gotten just after we met as a little puppy. He was not a particularly "good" dog because he had to be quaranteened several times for biting people.

It just so happened that my sister, Bonnie and her son Harry, were at my mom's house in Charleston when the accident happened. They were leaving that very same day for a long road trip to the Grand Canyon. When Pat called with the news of my accident, mom insisted that they change their plans and drive to Ohio where I was in the hospital. They left home and weren't 3 miles from home and they had an accident with an 18 wheeler truck. Luckily, it wasn't very bad, but bad enough to send them back home. At this point, they called me and I was through surgery and very high on pain killers, so I was feeling no pain. I spoke happily to mom and told her to be careful and take their time coming up to Ohio and that I was gonna be fine. Bonnie later told me that the accident they had was really a blessing because it sent them home and were able to talk to me and that made the trip much more pleasant for them, since they weren't in such a hurry now.

My in laws at the time owned a camper and so they brought the camper down and agreed to leave it there in Ohio for mom, Bonnie, Pat and Harry to stay in. The doctors had told me that I would be in the hospital about 6 weeks. However, after one week, my legs started staining through the casts and there was a bad smell. So, they decided to cut the casts open and see what was going on. Sure enough, there was a bad infection and Pat told me that he could see grass seeds growing up through my stitches. I had to be sent via Medivac to Fort Knox Hospital where they had to cut away much dead tissue, and this is where I was in the hospital for so long.

Now I'm getting nervous!!!

2009-04-17T15:41:00.002-04:00

With my surgery less than a week away, I'm starting to think about it and worry. I suppose that is natural. My knees hurt more than usual because I had to stop taking my pain meds, cuz the Dr. said that they might interfere with my blood clotting during and after surgery. I just want to get it over with.

I can't stand up long enough to make dinner and I feel so helpless. My only contribution to the household right now is that I'm able to sit at the computer and pay bills. Seems like that is all I do these days is sit at the computer and then when nightfall hits, I switch to my chair and turn on the tv...I had to start using a walker here in the house too. What a bummer!!

This reminds me so much of the days 37 years ago after the bad accident. I hate this!! However, I know I'm lucky in many ways. I have security and I'm surrounded by love.

Today is Jeff's 30th birthday. I know that 30 years ago today was one of the happiest days of my life. Having had 2 miscarriages, I was paranoid constantly that I wouldn't get through the pregnancy. A couple of weeks before he was due, the Dr. said that it didn't look like he had turned yet and he was afraid that his head was not getting into position to be born. So, he sent me for X-rays. Sure enough, Jeff was a transverse lie. He was laying sideways and there was absolutely no room for him to move into position. The Dr. said he could not be born this way. He said that the contractions could break Jeff's back and might even kill me. So, he said we had to schedule a C-section immediately. John played on some softball team at the time and he wanted to to schedule it so he wouldn't have to miss a game. The Dr. suggested the 18th of April and John said no...because he had a game that day. Could we do it on the 17th and the Dr. agreed. So, Jeff was born on the 17th of April. His due date was April 25th.

I had a spinal and was joyfully awake during the entire thing. John was by my side and it was so funny watching John watch them cut me and the amazed look on his face. As soon as they cut the uterus open Jeff's feet popped out. Then they brought him out and he was PERFECT.

They took him away to do his Apgar's (they were perfect scores) and weigh him, etc. 6 lbs 9 oz.

John went with them so as not to take his eyes off our bundle of joy.

They took me in a recovery room and then they brought Jeff to me. John and a nurse sitting by my side. They brought Jeff in and I put him to my breast. I have photos of that moment in my life and I remember being so very happy.

The second happiest moment in my life was when Jenny was born. The Dr. gave me a choice of a vaginal birth this time, but I wanted nothing to do with that. I had previously had a good experience with Jeff and I wanted to do the same thing again. Everything went perfectly with Jenny. I also have a photo of me holding her immediately after she was born. She also had a perfect Apgar score!!

Both of them nursed well and gave me the most fulfilled feeling possible. It is nice to remember those days. The days of when they were little. They were indeed the "good old days". I appreciated them every minute of it then too. My mother told me one time when they were very little that THESE ARE the good old days, and I never forgot that. It gives me wonderful memories and I am so proud of both of them now.

Cindy and Stella need to go to the vet for their shots. I made an appointment for both of them to go tomorrow (Saturday) so that John can take them. This will be his first experience of taking them to the vet. He loves the dogs too. I can't wait to see how that goes.

I slept all day long...darn it!!

2009-04-13T18:51:00.002-04:00

I couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning!! But tomorrow I must get to "my list". There are so many things I need to do before I go into the hospital. One thing is my fish tank is nasty. I need to buy a couple of snails to clean it up and maybe a couple of sucker catfish. Also, I have to get my ID card renewed. Jeez, oh man...Medicare is gonna take over when I turn 65 in July and I must have a new ID card!! The problem with getting these things done is, of course...walking. I can just go so far and then I'm done for the day. I have to space my outings.

I hate having to be pushed in the wheelchair everywhere but it is next to impossible to do anything alone and without assistance. I don't want to be "taken care of". I have always been such an independent person and it really makes me depressed to have to depend on someone else so much. I know my family loves me and would rather see me living in a wheelchair than dead, but I'm not sure about myself and how I feel. I want to be here to take care of things that John hates to do and I want to continue to see my children do well, but personally...life would suck if I couldn't walk at all. I guess I'm just voicing my fears here. My fear of the surgery, knowing all the other problems I have with my legs, and how it will all work out. I got a great book on exercises, etc. to prepare for the surgery, but I can't do over half of them simply because I don't have any movement in my ankles already and my back hurts because of the difference in the length of my legs. I'm a mess!! But, I've been living with those problems for years. The new problem (MY KNEES) really just started interfering with my life about a year ago and since Christmas, it has gotten way worse. If I did nothing, I don't think I'd be walking another year at all. At least now I can get to the bathroom and stand to cook for a little while, but if I didn't have my knees replaced, even that will go away. So, I'm giving myself a bit of a pep talk about why getting the surgery is the best thing to do no matter what happens in the end.

I go for my post operative visit with Dr. Providence this Wednesday. Today was my last day to be able to take my pain meds, so I know that sometime tonight or tomorrow I'm going to be in a lot of pain with my ankles and back. I had to stop with the pain killers because they make my blood thin and it would be dangerous and cause too much bleeding if I was still taking them. Ironic that they will put me on blood thinners after the surgery because of the danger of blood clots. Jeez, oh man, I'll be glad when this is overwith and I won't have this fearful lump in my tummy!!

The last time I felt like this was when they told me I had breast cancer back in 1994. Back then, I kept telling myself that my children were too young for me to die. I can't use that excuse anymore because they are both successful and know where they are going in life. Their career patterns are falling into place. Although I would love to see each of them happily married. But that is part of the theme of Jenny's play...that marriage isn't necessary anymore...if 2 people love each other, why have the paper and love makes no difference with or without it. They (all the ones doing the play) are looking at love and relationship idealistically and from the LOVE point of view. At my age, I look at it from the practical point of view and know how important the paper is because of survivorship and taking care of each other financially. I know that this point of view comes with age. This is what I wish everyone understood about gay marriage. I am very much in favor of gay marriage, because I know many gay people and they love one another just like straight people do. They are born that way. They didn't make a choice to be gay. God made them this way and why can't the world understand that!! I suppose maybe you have to know a gay person PERSONALLY to understand that. I do believe that eventually the world will understand and gay marriage will be an every day event. It is progress in our world, it is a necessary change.

Home from Hollywood

2009-04-13T05:20:00.002-04:00

It is very late and I just got back from my trip to visit Jeff and Jenny in Hollywood. I had a great visit, although I did get stressed out a couple of times and cried. I was just so flustered with MYSELF for doing silly things and my heart couldn't help but cry. I would get really into a project, and forget that we were supposed to be someplace else and then I'd stress out. But it all worked out in the end, cuz I'm home safe and sound now.

Jeff's apartment is all squared away and looks very nice. Jenny came over and was a great help in getting stuff put together and helping Jeff decide were to put everything. I guess the most fun of the trip was seeing Jenny's play. It was really great. I saw it 2 times. I am so proud of Jenny for Directing such a wonderful piece. It is innovative and creative. It truly is a piece of art that is way before it's time. Thought provoking and funny. A reminder of how much technology has taken over our lives. These are the lives that these children were born into and the performance was very tastefully done in a way to intergrate the old traditions with the obvious new cyber lives kids are living today. If you want to read more about the show and/or the company that produced it go to www.Brimmerstreettheatercompany.org or to www.restartyourheart.com This is the most talented group of young actors, producers and directors I've seen in many years. Someday, they will all be famous!!!

2009-04-06T03:36:00.004-04:00

I'm getting excited!!! I am going to start packing today for my trip to LA to see Jenny's play and help Jeff get settled in his new apartment. I am so glad I changed my mind about going. At first, I thought it would just be to hard on the kids to have to push me everywhere but they both assured me that it will be ok and I think it will even make it easier for me to go into the surgery, knowing that I have just seen them.

Jenny's play started Saturday night and IT'S A HIT. I'm so happy about that. She has worked so hard on it and I know she and Dave are relieved that it went so well. I can't wait to see it next weekend.

Since I have kinda turned this blog into a memoir, I will tell another "story" about my life. When Jenny was one month old, Jeff had just turned 3. We went to a 4th of July party at a friend's house. Everyone was gathered in the back yard and all the children were running around playing. I couldn't enjoy myself because I refused to take my eyes off of Jeff running around. I have a tendancy to be over protective and I just can't relax when he is out of my sight. MY BAD!!! So, this time, I made a conscious effort to just let him play and talk to my friends. I figured noone else is as neurotic as I am to be watching their kids and heck, the kids should be fine. What could happen...so, for a while I just tried not to think about it. At some point, and I'm sure it wasn't more than 5 or 10 minutes, I decided to "eyeball" Jeff just to make sure all was well. I didn't see him in the crowd of children. I looked in the house, checked the bathroom and then went into the front yard...No Jeff!!! by this time, I'm getting concerned. Jenny was in her baby carrier asleep, so I picked her up and ran to get John. I told him I could not find Jeff. I even mentioned it to several other parents and noone seemed concerned. So, John and I took off all around the house (with Jenny in tow) calling Jeff and received no answer. So then we started walking down the street calling his name. I was in a total panic and near tears. At first, John was calm and assured me that he couldn't be far and everything would be fine. We must have walked several blocks just calling his name. This subdivision was on the water so we were doubly concerned that he might have wandered into someone's back yard and fallen in the water. I checked my watch continually and was frankly, a nervous wreck!! At the 30 minute mark...I told John I thought we needed to call the police. At first he thought it might be premature, and then as we kept looking and kept calling, he finally agreed that we should go back to the house and take some action with the police.

I cannot tell you how distraught I was. You can just imagine!!! Just about this time, off in the distance, we see a man walking toward us with a little boy by the hand. Immediately, I could see it was Jeff. My heart began to beat again. I hurried toward him as quickly as I could, John by my side and Jenny at my chest. The man said that he had found Jeff walking down the sidewalk about a mile down the road and he asked Jeff where he came from and Jeff pointed down toward where the party was. I have always regretted that I didn't thank that man enough. I was just so happy to see Jeff I couldn't contain myself.

I asked Jeff why he left the party and he said the children were running in the front yard, and he saw a kitty cat and tried to catch it. The kitty cat ran down the sidewalk and Jeff followed. By the time he lost the cat, he didn't know which house we were at and he was walking in the wrong direction.

We went back to the party and needless to say, I didn't take my eyes off Jeff for the rest of the time we were there. I think this incident let to my being just way too protective of the children. I never let them ride their bikes out of my sight and just kept a tight leash on both of them for way too long. But it was something I couldn't avoid because of my fear of something happening to one of them.

When Jeff was about 12 he wanted to go to the mall with a friend of his. I knew all the other kids were going to the mall, but I just wasn't ready to let him. Finally, I agreed that he could go but only if I dropped them off and picked them up one hour later. I did take them and I followed them around every corner, and waited outside of every store!!! I wonder if I ever told Jeff about that. He was with his friend Mike, when we lived in Saratoga Springs, New York when that happened.

The big change came in my life when I started on Prozac in 1995. After that, I started seeing things more realistically. Say what you might about anti-depressants, but I know the Prozac helped me, and continues to help me. I wasn't depressed, but I suffered from panic attacks. I do believe that he panic attacks started after years and years of worrying too much, dwelling on things I could not change and fear of losing one of my children. It was after the breast cancer that the panic started. I tried several other anti-depressants and the Prozac was the one that changed everything. I will probably be on it til I die.

Tired and sore tonight...

2009-04-02T22:06:00.002-04:00

After all the walking I had to do today for all the various tests, etc. I'm totally sore all over and am having trouble even moving. They had to draw more blood to test my thyroid and I had to pee in a cup again. The good news is that my insurance will pay for a hospital bed for me here at home for the first 6 weeks. I thought I'd have to rent one on my own, but the social worker will take care of it. She had to make sure that I had crutches, walker, cane and wheelchair for use here at home. The insurance will provide a physical therapist here at home too.

Earlier, I was talking about when I had breast cancer. And what a rough time that was on all of us. I tried to make light of the whole thing with the children. I assured them that I would be fine and it would only be a small interference in our lives, and all the while I had no idea how bad it was or if I would get better. My hair started falling out a few days after my first chemo. I would notice large clumps of hair on my pillow, so then when I combed my hair, it would come out in huge pieces. I don't see how the women do it that don't shave their heads. Hair was falling everywhere all the time. So, I decided to shave it. I asked Jenny if she wanted to give me a mohawk. She said yippee, yes that will be fun and we both rushed upstairs and I sat in front of the mirror as she shaved away. It was a beautiful time for me and her. We were laughing and joking about how silly it looked and she would do all kinds of funny things with the sheers. Then somehow, through the laughter, I felt very sad and didn't want Jenny to see that I was beginning to cry. I looked over at her and a tear was coming down her cheek. Our eyes met and at that moment, I felt so much love between us. It is a moment in time that I will treasure forever. She and I definitely "connected" on a truly loving moment between us. We hugged each other and sobbed for a while.

In a way, I passed the torch at that time because I never had another period after that first chemo treatment. I was officially pushed prematurely into MENOPAUSE. And at the same time, Jenny got her first period. I always thought it was sort of poetic. My hair came back in frizzy and more wirey than it was before. To this day, it is different from the way it was before chemo. The doctor said this is very common because the chemo kills the old hair root and another one is formed to take it's place and it can be the same or quite different. I've heard of other gals whose hair came back in a different color too.

When it came time for Jeff to go off to college, he just didn't want to leave home. He seemed anxious to find a college away from home during his junior year of high school, but as the time got closer and closer for him to make a definite decision, he wanted to live at home the entire 4 years. He graduated college in December 2002 and left to live in Los Angeles in January 2003. He was finally ready.

On the other hand, when it came time for Jenny to go to college, she knew she wanted to go out of state. She even got a scholarship to a Virginia school and she didnt want to go there. She had grown her wings and she wanted to FLY... We looked at NYU and Boston University and she decided she wanted to go to Emerson College in Boston. It is a performing arts college and seemed to fit her needs exactly. She flourished there.

I had a bit of adjusting to get used to my "empty nest". I had been so involved with everything the kids were involved in and once they were out of the house, I needed to redefine myself. I'm still working on that.

More testing...

2009-04-02T09:28:00.002-04:00

This morning I'm off to get an EKG and then to see the social worker at the hospital. I am not completely sure what the social worker visit is gonna be about, but I'm assuming it is going to be to set up my physical therapy after the surgery.

John comes home today. I've missed him. I need so many things from the store and just can't go. I hate it!! I think I will make an attempt to stop at Target on the way home today. They have the motorized wheelchairs and hopefully, I can get around in that. I used to could crab walk myself around the store, but now the back and forth of my knees is just too painful.

The surgery is 3 weeks from today. I have spent several hours on YouTube looking at knee replacement surgery and listening to people who have had it done telling their stories. Most are good, but there are some bad ones in there too. That scares me a bit, but I guess I'm only human.

I remember back in 1994 when I first found the lump in my breast. The internet was quite different then. In fact, I'm not even sure it could be called the internet. We had Prodigy and there were a bunch of Bulletin Boards and I would go in and chat every single day. I found one BB that was called BCBuddies (breast cancer buddies). I posed the question about finding the lump in my breast and trying to tell myself it was nothing. So many people on the board said "oh you have to get it checked out, you never know what it might be." I convinced my self it was nothing because I had found a lump several months earlier and it turned out to be nothing. So, since we were in the process of moving from Georgia to Virginia, I decided to put that lump on the back burner and wait until we got moved to go to the doctor and check it out. It was in June that I found the lump and we got moved and settled in and it was August before I saw a doctor about it. Thankfully, once I had a mammogram things went very swiftly and by the grace of God it was not an aggressive tumor. It was cancer and I had a double mastectomy in August 1994. The cancer was only in one breast, but my mother had breast cancer and I wanted the most aggressive treatment I could get. I have not regretted that decision!! Jenny was 12 and Jeff was 15 at the time. I didn't want to die. I was so scared. I cannot tell you the panic I felt.

I went through chemo and lost all my hair. And to this day, I never say I'm cured or that I beat it. I just thank God for every day that I have and pray that I continue to be cancer free.

2009-03-31T04:07:00.000-04:00

I had stayed up all night last night with the idea in mind of getting to the hospital early and get this blood drawing over with. I still had to get a chest xray and a shot to prevent shingles zostor. Apparently this is nasty little rash that seems to come on people over 60 and I'm told they are quite ugly, itchy and painful. They look like chichen pox. So, I got that vaccination. Ten I walked to the laboratory where they had to take my blood and my pee for testing to see it it was ok and if I was ok for surgery. I'm usually a very difficult needle stick and have been ever since I got the Chemo in 1994. I think they exploded all the veins in the bend of my arm. I always dead these blood daws because they are so hard. Today, I stated slapping and rubbing my arm as soon as I sat down and I explained to the tech that he wouldn't be about to get any blood out of the bend in my arm and so he stated looking other places. the heavens smiled on me....he got the needle in at his first attempt and I didn't even feel it. I think we should make this guy a doctor right on the spot.

I had to pee in a cup and then I was sent on my way. By the time I had walked to these 3 clinics using just a cane, my knees were feeling very stiff and I was having to stop and rest probably about every 10 to 15 feet and sit down and rest. I can go much faster with the can than I can with the walker, so if there are places for me to sit down occasionally, I prefer the cane.

The bad news is that once I got to my car. My left leg was completely stiff. It would not bend at all. I had to get behind the drivers seat and the seat was pushed back as far as it would go and it just wouldn't fit. I had to relax the leg and slowly manually put it in the car. I was in quite a bit of pain too. Both knees were aching. I had hoped to go by target and use one of their electric wheelchairs and do some browsing (I need birthday wrapping paper) but I was in too much pain. I coudn't do it. I was probably very comical watching me get into the house from the car. I was bent over like a 150 year old person and taking tiny tiny steps. I was in bad shape.

I took the dogs and crawled up stairs and laid across the bed. It is 12:30 pm by now. I went fast asleep and didnt wake up until I heard Maxie come home about 9 pm. I got up and my knees felt much better...they needed that rest.

Mlou has been sick for the past several months. Not enough to keep her home and she still goes out with Roy and does the things that they do, but she says she just isn't feeling well. She seems to have lost her appetite and has a general feeling of nausea. She is 74 so it is something she needs to see a dr about. I told her the symptons sound an awful lot like my symptoms when I had my gall bladder out in 1997. Well, finally today she went to the dr. and he suspects it is the gall bladder too. They are going to do some tests this week. She has lost 10 lbs because ever since these symptoms started she hasn't felt like eating. I hope it is something easily curable like the gall bladder. Something else could be more serious and that's no fun at all.

I've been talking to my nephew Harry. He is a doctor and he has told me some things to expect and some things to look for. I like having a doctor in the family. He is so smart and has been very helpful with medical questions we have had through the years. I wish we lived closer. He is in San Diego. John and I are talking about moving to Orange County once he quits work for good if our children are both still in Los Angeles by then.

2009-03-29T21:12:00.000-04:00

Since I named this blog...MY EXPERIENCE WITH BILATERAL KNEE REPLACEMENT, one would think that I'd start writing about the surgery to my knees. I still have a few weeks before that actually happens so there's not much else I can write about that until it happens. I can tell you something that is a royal pain in the ass. You know how we always cross our legs at the knees? Well, it is a habit that is very difficult to break. I KNOW that every time I do it, I have trouble and lots of pain getting them uncrossed. However, I still forget and do it all the time. I can't uncross them without literally lifting one leg off the other. This is something that I hope will be fixed with the new knees.

I am going to have one adventure before the surgery. Jenny is Directing her first full length play in Los Angeles and I just can't miss that. I know I will have to be in the wheel chair the entire trip, but Jeff will be on spring break and he has volunteered to help me get around. I will be going to Los Angeles the 2nd week of April. I hadn't planned on going because I knew how much trouble I would be. However, there will only be ONE first time for Jenny and I don't want to miss that. She had actually directed several things before, but they were college projects and one act plays. This is more of the "big time".

I want to do so much. I have always been such an independent person. I hate to rely on others to do things for me. But now I can't go shopping, I can't just browse around because just getting to the car and in and out is so painful. I daydream about all of this being over and being on the road to recovery. I know I'll never walk like a person with perfectly healthy legs, because I will always have the ankle problems and the back problems. All I ask is to just be able to walk as well as I could 6 or 7 years ago.

John left today for Kasakstan. I wonder if that is actually how you spell it?? So, he will be gone a few days. I think this could be his last trip before the surgery. Not really sure.

2009-03-28T04:35:00.000-04:00

Things are going downhill fast for me. I really wanted to go get my bloodwork and chest xray today. But somehow, I couldn't manage to even get out of bed. My knees were bothering me so bad, it just wasnt' worth getting up. The reason for this is because I was out and about yesterday. I didn't do much walking at all. However, I was in my wheelchair and I did a lot of "crabwalking" in my chair. Of course, I have to use my legs for this. I used to "walk" around like this all the time and it never bothered me at all. But today I'm paying for that little activity!! As each day passes, I'm more and more ready to get this surgery done with. I want to begin the rehab process.

I've also been doing all the daily exercises that are supposed to help me after the surgery. But, the ones using my knees only make them hurt more. I feed trapped here at home. I'm so glad I decided to get both knees done at the same time. I'm counting down the days.

2009-03-25T10:13:00.000-04:00

I am truly a night owl. Since the children left home it has gotten worse and worse. My hours are terrible. Also, for about the past 6 months (since my knees have gotten so very bad) I usually sleep during the day and stay up all night long either on the computer or watching tv and recently reading. What usually happens is that I go to bed sometime in the morning and then get up at about 4 or 5 pm, just in time to make some dinner for John. Since I can't go shopping anymore, what is the fun of being awake during the day?

I see that I have one follower so far. Thanks Rollerfink!! This guy is a friend of my son's and although I've never met him, he seems like the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. He has the most adorable little girl about 2, maybe 3 and a newborn son. He is from Australia but lives in Hawaii now. I hope to meet him someday. I think he will find my blog pretty darn boring, but I'm happy he's reading.

Jeff is a wonderful writer. When he was in college, he met a bunch of guys through some writing website and they all wrote a script together and in the process they became great friends and Rollerfink is one of those guys. When Jeff went out to Los Angeles he roomed with a couple of them. I think they all had great aspirations of becoming famous screenwriters. Jeff got a pretty good job and worked for a few years and then decided he wasn't happy with things he was doing, and decided to go back to school and get his Master's in History and continue on and get his Phd. He wants to ultimately teach college History. He will soon be finished with his Master's from California State University at Northridge. He received a scholarship from Cal State and also a Fellowship. He is currently student teaching 2 classes and working on his Thesis.

Jenny graduated from Emerson College in Boston, where she majored in Theater, with an emphasis on Directing. She has worked at several theaters and is a member of the BRIMMER STREET THEATER COMPANY. She is Directing a play this spring in Los Angeles. While doing this, she is also very busy working full time at UCLA. She also has plans to get her Master's.

Lastly, since I'm telling you about my family...is John. We have been married almost 33 years and most of those years, John was in the Navy. He was a Ltjg when we met and spent 31 years in the submarine service. He retired from the Navy in 2003 as a Rear Admiral. He works full time with the Department of Defense. More about him later...

Today I'm setting up all of my pre-op appointments. I have to get a chest x-ray, lab work, an EKG and I have to talk to the Internal Meds doctor and a social worker. I'm not so nervous about things yet. I'm reading a very interesting book about Total Knee Replacement and Rehab and it is very informative. I've started all the pre-op exercises and WOW...am I out of shape!!

Some days, I worry about the fact that I still have pain in my ankles and I wonder how much improvement I will get from this bilateral knee replacement. Then I will have an errand to run or something to do that keeps me on my feet and I start feeling the intense pain and stiffness in my knees, and then I know it is the right thing to do.

After the accident in 1972 and all the surgeries, I could get around pretty well. I didn't need a cane or anything for assistance and I was able to have 2 wonderful pregnancies with no complications. My left leg had been in a cast for 15 months after the surgery because I had a very large section of bone in my left tibia that had "died" due to an overwhelming infection. I had to have a bone graft in late 1973. I had also had surgery to fuse my right ankle. The left ankle fused itself from being in the cast so long. Then around 1998 I joined a gym and started working out regularly. Part of the workout was moving my ankles as much as I could on certain equipment. Much to my surprise, I regained a good bit of motion in BOTH of my ankles. This was definitely not a good thing. With the movement, came severe arthritis...thus the surgery in 1999 to insert screws in my right ankle and refuse it and then in 2001, I had the same thing done to the left ankle. I guess it is a wonder I'm still walking at all.

My first attempt at Blogging....3/24/2009

2009-03-24T20:54:00.000-04:00

I'm setting up this blog in order to let anyone who is interested...know how things are going with me and my bilateral total knee replacement. Today is March 24th, 2009 and my surgery is scheduled for April 23rd.

I suppose along the way, I'll venture off the subject and tell you things about myself or my children or my dogs. I don't expect anyone to really be interested in this unless you know me or love me. I live in Virginia and both of my kids live in Los Angeles. They are both successful adults. My son is 29 years old, and his name is Jeff and my daughter is 26 years old and her name is Jenny. I'm sure I will refer to both of them a lot as time goes on.

I think writing a blog is very helpful, not just right now, but years from now, if I have something to look back and and read then I can remember it all and I won't have false memories of how it was. We all do that. No one ever remembers everything about any experience that they have. And if 2 people have the exact same experience, neither one of them will remember it exactly the same.

When I was younger, I kept a diary. I would go back and read it and relive a lot of happy memories and it would help me remember some of the bad times that I had actually forgotten.

I think it is good to remember everything.

I am 64 years old now. I have a wonderful and loving husband and I consider myself one of the luckiest people in the world. I am a positive thinker and try to find good in just about everything that happens to me. I've had plenty of bad things to happen but somehow, I always found a silver lining.

When I had a 2 year old, and was pregnant with my daughter, my mother lived with me and my husband. She was bed ridden and quite feeble. I loved my mother truly and deeply and I thought she was the best mother ever. But at that time in my life, I was overwhelmed with caring for her and my young family. I knew I couldn't continue taking care of her. I knew she was going to have to go live somewhere else. She could have gone to live with my brother or one of my sisters, they all wanted her. But she saw the burden she had become for me and didn't want that. Luckily, my niece and her husband (her granddaughter) owned several nursing homes in Alabama. We were living in Virginia at the time and it just seemed like the right solution because my niece said mom could live there free and keep her pension checks. It was truly a blessing. However, it was a very sad time too...because I felt like I was letting my dear mother down. She was incontentent and completely bed ridden and I knew I had no choice. She agreed to the move but I knew I would always feel badly about it. So, I decided to start keeping a diary of my every day experiences taking care of her. I did this faithfully for about 3 months before she left. I started it when I was about 6 months along with Jenny. We had all decided that mom would stay until the baby was born. My sister, Bonnie, came to stay with us the last month of my pregnancy, and during that first month of Jenny's life. She would accompany my mother to Alabama and the nursing home. She was a Godsend for me.

Every time I would miss my mother, I would go to Diary and read what I had written, and remember how hard it was on a day to day basis. I am ashamed of some of the things I wrote because I was so frustrated with trying to do it all. But reading that Diary made me know for sure that I had done the only thing I could do. I'm so happy that I kept that Diary. I haven't seen it in years, but I know it is somewhere around here. I don't need to read it anymore. My mom lived for another 2 years and 8 months at the nursing home. I went to see her every 3 months and talked to her on the telephone just about every day. I knew she was in the best place for her. But to this day, I miss her.

So, back to present day. I have had problems with my feet and legs since July 4, 1972 when I was in a very bad automobile accident. Both of my ankles were crushed. I won't go into any of the boring details now (maybe later). Suffice it to say, that I spent the next 4 years in and out of the hospital with numerous surgeries and bad legs. I didn't lose the ability to walk, but I've always been in pain. It was mostly my ankles. My last surgery on my ankles was one in 1999 and the other one in 2001. They were both fused because of the very painful arthritis, caused by the accident. The surgeries relieved a lot of the pain, but I still don't have great ankles.

I suppose it was because of the stress on my knees, who knows, but shortly after this my knees started bothering me and it has steadily gotten worse and worse. Now I am at the point where I can't walk more than a few yards without both knees stiffening and causing pain. I use a walker or wheelchair most of the time. Finally, 2 years ago, I went to the orthopedic surgeon with cries for help. He referred me to a pain management clinic. I have been seen by them for the past 2 years. I have been taking NSAID's of all kinds. I have had steroid injections which did absolutely nothing and I have had 4 courses of Synvisc. This is also a knee injection that is done 3 times over a 3 week period every 6 months. They inject this thick slimy gunk in my knee joint to replace lost cartilage. This gave me a lot of nightly relief but really hasn't helped with my walking. Finally, last month I returned to the same orthopedic surgeon and he said it is time for the bilateral knee replacement. Both knees at the same time. Since them I have been reading all that I can find on what to expect and the rehabilitation process. I'm ready for this surgery.