Happy Birthday TOMORROW...to Mlou

My only living sister has a birthday tomorrow. She will be 74 years old. My family had surely dwendled through the years...but I guess that is what happens as we get older. Time marches on and a new generation takes over!!

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I just got back from Target and a lot of walking. My knees are doing great and I am more thankful every day that I had them both done when I did. I feel like I have a new lease on life in many ways. John has been in the Ukraine for the past week and he will come home tomorrow, and then Saturday Jeff will be here for 2 weeks. So I am a happy camper.

Jeff is a vegetarian so I am going to cook lots of meatless meals while he is here. I will have to toss in some meat for John but personally, I kinda like most things without the mean. I don't think I could ever go 100% vegetarian though. First Jeff was a vegan. That was when he was in high school. Then he switched to vegetarian. I have no idea where he got that from, but he is faithful to it. I love me a good old hot dog sometimes though and I could never live the rest of my life without a reuben now and then.

The more I write on this blog, the more I realize that I don't have a lot to say. I remember asking my mom to keep a diary for me and she made an honest effort to do that but most days there just wasn't much to write about and that is how I feel now. I don't feel strongly enough about any issue to make a point of it and for the most part...my life is pretty dull..but dull is good. It just isn't very interesting to read about.

So, I expect to be really busy and happily doing stuff with Jeff for the next 2 weeks.

Today I am Sad...

I just watched the Michael Jackson Memorial on my computer. First of all, I don't believe he was a child molester. No one will ever know the real story of that, but personally, I dont believe it. He was truly a loved person. I have read all the headlines, and it certainly looks like he just wanted to sleep. Now he will sleep forever! I am sad for his passing and I feel very sad for his family. I don't care what anyone says...he was the greatest performer I ever saw, and he had more talent than anyone.

So today I'm alone. John is out of town and I've been sitting here at the computer watching this live stream all day, it seems like. I just don't feel much like doing anything. Yesterday, I walked a lot. I went shopping and was out of the house most of the day. Last night my legs felt great. Today I'm having to use my cane because I'm not walking much. I should go get on the treadmill for a while. I may do just that.

Catch 22

Although I am doing wonderfully with the progress of my knee replacements. I do have a dilemma to deal with. You see, because of the injuries I received to my ankles 37 years ago TODAY (in fact) my ankles are very weak and have been fused to the point where I have very little movement in them. I had some bone loss due to them being crushed and they are held together now with 3 large screws in each ankle. I think I'm stuck with this senario for the rest of my life. No matter how great my knees get...my ankles will always keep me handicapped.

The more I walk on my knees, the better off I am. The pain is practically nothing at the end of the day if I have done a sufficient amount of walking. When I don't walk so much, they get stiff and I have more pain. The catch 22 is with my ankles, because the more I walk on my ankles, the more pain I have. Thankfully, it is pain that I can walk through. I can't walk nearly as far as someone with healthy joints, and the pain isn't such that I MUST stop walking (like the knee pain was before the surgery) Before the surgery, the knee pain was debilitating and I simply could not walk or bend my knees. So, all in all...I'm way better than I was before, but if I had good ankles, I'd be running by now. On the other hand, if I had good ankles, my life would be entirely different too and I could be a lot worse off than I would want to think about. So, I spend my time thanking my lucky stars to be where I am. Although it does get frustrating sometimes.

Thanks Jim...

Jim said to write what is on my heart.  Well, what is on my heart this morning is love...I remember before I had any children, I had the misfortune of having 2 miscarriages.   When I was on my 3rd pregnancy, I was so afraid of another miscarriage.  I just though...if I could just get through this 9 months and have a healthy baby...that's all I would need in the world...then I did have that healthy wonderful baby and was lucky enough to have another one 3 years later.  I never understood how much my mother loved me until I had my own children.  I am sure that just about every parent loves their child like this.  It is a wonderful thing!!

The part that is hard is when they are teenagers and on their way to adulthood, you wish so much that THEY could learn from YOUR mistakes.  Why do they have to learn things for themselves. Sometimes we try to help them too much.  And in doing that, we aren't helping them at all.  I just couldn't help myself sometimes though.  Luckily, they are suffering no ill effects from any mistakes I may have made as they were growing up.

I wish I could make their lives perfect. I wish that fixing their problems were as easy as kissing a wounded knee or buying a stuffed toy.  Now that they are adults, all I can do is hope that they ask me for advice and not give it unless they do.  That is hard for me.  Sometimes I want to just tell them what to do.  Knowing that they are going to do whatever they feel is best for them at the time.  When does this need to "parent" end?  I had no idea it went on forever like this.  I used to think when you're 18 you are on your own and able to take care of yourself completely. At least that is what I thought about MYSELF.  I've always thought my children needed me (even if they really don't)  I know it is something that just makes me feel good.

Through my broken marriages I lived with my mother off and on until I met John.  I wish I had those days back. I used to go out at night after work and my mom would always complain because I went out all the time.  She wanted me to spend more time with her.  I would give anything for that time now.  I would be the happiest person in the world if I could just sit down and talk to my mom and tell her how right she was about everything.  One thing I am very happy for is that before she died, I told my mother that if my own children would ever love me as much as I know I loved her, then I would know that I had been a successful mother.

I know that my children have to make their own mistakes, and all I can do is sit back and watch and be here to listen when they want to talk.  But I wonder if it ever gets easier.  My sister is 9 years older than me and her children are older.  Recently, I asked her this question and she assured me that it never gets any easier.  No matter how old they are,  you still want to be included in their lives and are interested in every aspect of their lives.   You still worry about them and their children, but there really isn't anything you can do to help them if they do have a problem.  It surely is great when they include you.  I am very lucky, because even though my children live 3,000 miles away, I hear from them several times a week.  In many ways, my life still revolves around them.

Wow!!!

Why didn't somebody tell me how BORING my blogs are?  Jeez, oh man....how could anyone read that and get any enjoyment out of it.  I may have to start blogging about more intimate stuff.  Is anyone up for that???

Sunday morning...

John has gone to play golf and I'm home with Cindy and Stella.  What great comfort they are to me. I love both of them so much.  Who would ever think that a couple of doggies could bring so much love to my heart.  

Jenny and Dave left Friday morning to go to Williamsburg and Grant's wedding.  They will be home sometime today.  Tonight the 4 of us will go out to Ruth's Chris' Steak House.  It is one of our favorite places to go when Jenny is in town.  They will leave on Wednesday to go to Boston for a few days and then on to New Hampshire and Dave's sister's high school graduation.

Sometimes I feel lonely.  John is busy with his job and when he comes home he immediately gets on the computer to do all of his work emails.    I spend hours a day at the computer myself.  I can't believe how much time we both spend just sitting here doing what we do on the computers. Actually, it is kind of cute.  We have the computers set up side by side in our family room.  John has a pc and I have a Mac.  I don't know what I would do without John around to help me with everything technical.  When I have any sort of problem with the tv or my mac or anything electronic, he is Johnny on the spot.  He just understands those things, or actually knows how to figure them out.    I am not smart with things like that at all.  I do remember that it was back in 1989 and I was just beginning to hear a lot about computers and I thought this is going to be something really important someday. I wanted one!! John and I talked about it and he would ask "what will we do with it?"..I told him that I had no idea but I would figure it out. 

When we went to buy it, we went to Radio Shack and I remember that we had the option of getting one with or without a hard drive.  Without the hard drive, we would just always have to put a disk in.  We opted for the 20 meg hard drive. Not knowing why we would need it or what we would do with it.  I think 20 megs is like a grain of salt in a hard drive of today.  So, there we were with this computer and nobody knew what to do with it.  I read in the paper that the local community college had computer classes starting.  It was BEGINNING DOS.  I signed up for the course.  After that, I took INTERMEDIATE DOS and I was learning how to move around in DOS.  This was way before they ever had Windows.  I learned how to do a spreadsheet and how to put a document on the pc and print it out.  As I learned these things, I taught them to the children.   We bought software and were playing a lot of games and I was communicating with a local "chat" group.  We also got PRODIGY, which was I suppose one of the first interactive software programs that let us connect with the world.  I was on it every single day and I eventually made friends with other "Stay at Home" moms and it was a daily thing for me to get on Prodigy and talk to my friends who were spread all over the USA.  There were 10 of us and we met every single day and would spend hours chatting back and forth.  It was actually more like emailing and when we would write to one, it would go to all.  We kept up with each other's lives for over 4 years.  I am still in close touch with one of those ladies.  She lives near San Francisco and we all met her family when we were visiting John's mother.  She recently came to DC for a convention and I spent time with her.  She has 2 sons and the youngest was being potty trained then and I think he recently finished college!!! Where did the years go.  

But progress came creeping along and Prodigy went by the wayside and Windows took over and all of a sudden everyone had a computer.  How could we live without it...How did we ever live without it.  I remember first hearing about the "internet" and how the world would someday all be connected at this one central place.  I couldn't grasp it.  I didn't believe it, but hey, look where we are now.

I'm glad we got that first computer.  My children learned the keyboard and did their homework papers on the computer very early on.  I can't help but wonder what all the changes will be during the next 20 years.  We have come so far these past 20 years.

CONTINUED...FROM LAST POST

We didn't get divorced for 4 years.  That is when the best part of my life began.  I met John.  The absolute love of my life.  In many ways, I find it hard to feel so terrible about that awful accident. Because if that had not happened....I would never have met John.

I had been separated from Pat for almost 2 years when I met John.  Having just gone through this knee replacement and being laid up just like I was 37 years ago, I can tell you...it is a lot easier when you have a loving and supportive husband by your side.

John waited on my hand and foot and just was a dream come true for me and my rehabilitation through this.  Things are getting back to normal and I wonder if I'll ever be able to repay him for being so kind and understanding when I was "down".  I am the luckiest gal in the world to have him.