Retirement...

How can it be that I am old enough to retire...long past it too. Where did the time go? I see other people who are 66 years old and I cannot believe that I too...am just that old. I felt pretty darn old when I started drawing my Social Security. That was when I was 63 and then half of that went away when I started having to pay for Medicare last year!!

But now I am facing real retirement. I suppose I have been retired since I took maternity leave 31 years ago to have Jeff. I never went back to work after that. From that moment on, I was a stay at home mom. When Jeff was 2 and a half, I got pregnant with Jenny. At that point, I sorta knew that my "out of the house" working days were over. I never wanted to go back to work and have actually been very happy staying home with them, and after they were out of the house, I still never felt the need or desire to go back to work. I would have waves of wishing I was working and even looked for a job a couple of times, when I would possibly get close to actually HAVING a job, I would change my mind. I liked staying home too much.

I am 5 years and 5 months older than John. I never "felt" older than him and it has never been any sort of issue with us. He just turned 61 and is seriously talking about retiring. He is tired of working and wants to see what all the fun is staying home. Quite frankly, I'm not ready for him to retire!! It isn't like he has hobbies or things that he wants to do at home. But somehow, it worries me. Financially, we are in great shape. He has a lovely military retirement, plus he will be getting some government retirement and eventually SS. Money isn't the issue at all.

When the kids were little, I know that they consumed my every thought. I devoted myself to them and their activities. In the back of my mind, I worried about what life would be like with me and John when they were both out of the house. Well, since they have both been out now for over 5 years, I can tell you that worry was needless. We sort of drifted right into a natural "groove" for ourselves and it has actually been a really nice time with just the 2 of us. But he was going to work 5 days a week and even did a bit of traveling from time to time. I have always been Ms Independence and for whatever reason, it has all worked very well for us.

However, now I am facing the reality that he may be home all the time, every day. We always "get along" so I why should that worry me? I don't really think he will be as happy as he thinks he will day after day. I think he NEEDS something outside of the home to keep his mind active and occupied. In years past, his work has always been so important to him. As the years have gone by, I suppose he has "lost the flavor". I suppose time will tell in this situation. I think he has another few good years of working in him and I know he still has a lot to offer his employer. Maybe it is the fear of the unknown that has me worried. I guess the conclusion of this story is yet to come.

Am I being selfish? I'm not just thinking of me, I am thinking of him and his well being also. I guess I'm just venting now.

We should give Thanks!!!

I am thankful for many things. I have found as I have grown older that I am also growing wiser. It is a rotten shame that couldn't have had this wisdom when I was younger. They say that youth is wasted on the young!!! Well, I don't know if that is true or not...

It is a hard realization that as we get older, we are less important to our children. I'm not saying that they love us any less...but we are actually less a part of their lives. That's the way it was with me when I was younger and my own mom was still alive and I know that is the way it is with my children. In reality, I wouldn't have it any other way. However, when I'm the one sitting home wondering what my children are up to...it could be very easy to feel left out or to be less thankful. It is wonderful that they have full lives and just "check in" with me. I have friends who complain about not hearing from their children. I am so lucky that I don't have that complaint!!

I look back at my life and I wonder if I would change anything if I had a chance. I know that I would. However, I don't think I would change anything that would take me to anywhere except where I am right now. So, what would I change? probably nothing. But I made a lot of mistakes getting here. I suppose a lot of those mistakes made me who I am today. They say experience teaches a good school...but a fool will learn in no other. I guess I'm that fool.

Life is good...

I am just getting over whatever it was. It could have been the flu, it could have been a sinus infection but whatever it was, those antibiotics knocked it out. I feel like I have been in a fog for a couple of weeks!! But today is a new day and I'm gonna make the most of it.

John and I will have Thanksgiving here with our 4 legged little girls. Then I will be looking forward to Christmas. Jenny will be here on the 15th and Jeff will be here on the 18th. Jenny is gonna fly home to go to Vegas with Dave for Christmas day, and Jeff and I are gonna drive to Atlantic City for Christmas day. I tried...but could not convince John to go with us. His favorite thing to do is stay home and chill.

I loved Christmas growing up. I used to sleep on the sofa close to the christmas tree, hoping to catch santa claus in the act. I never did!! My mom always made christmas special for me. I felt very much like an only child because by the time I was 12 I was the only child left at home. It was a life of mostly me and my mom. My dad kept to himself most of the time and we liked it that way. I wonder if the day will ever come when I don't miss my mom. She died February 10, 1985 and I still think of her just about every day. She put her children before everything else and always made me feel special.

The last few years that we lived together were mostly good times. I moved home in May, 1974 after the auto accident and splitting up with you know who. I got a modest settlement regarding a bit of insurance I had because of the accident. Ten thousand dollars to be exact. I took that money and in October 1974 I bought a little house for me and mom. The cost of the house was $28,000. I paid $10,000 down and took over payments of $120 a month. I went back to work for Boopa Pritchard as a legal secretary. Mom and I were torn between the house I bought and another one that would have also been $10,000 down but the payments would have been $200 a month, and I just couldn't swing payments that big!!

I wish I could relive those last couple of years with mom in that house at 4123 Olivia Drive. I married John in May of 1976 and moved to Mississippi with him. Mom stayed in that house until she got so sick with complications from breast cancer that she moved in with me and John in 1981. I would change a lot about those couple of years we lived together. I would have spent more time with her. I would have gone to church with her every Sunday, the way she wanted me to. She worried about me until I met John. I think after I met him, she felt like I was gonna be ok. She loved him dearly and was so happy that we got married.

She was worried about me because I dated a lot and she just thought I'd never settle down. I was determined not to get married again, but I did party a lot and wish now that I has spent that time with her. She loved living in that house on Olivia Drive. I sold that house in 1998 for about $80,000. I had the same renters for 16 years.

Very embarrassing moment!!!

Sunday I was hurrying through the Charleston airport to catch my flight back home. It was pretty crouded and I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to things going on around me. I knew I wanted to stop by the ladies room and pee before I got to my gate so when I saw the sign, I hurried in. I sat down and as I was peeing, I heard MEN'S voices!!! What...I stayed quiet and continued to listen....I looked under the stall and I could see 3 men standing side by side...obviously at urinals....I had gone into the men's bathroom. OMG...what now. I sat there for a while hoping it would clear out but each time someone would leave, another one or two would come in. I had to get out of there. I stood up and braced myself and very calmly opened the door. Two guys were there and they looked at me and then they looked at each other...they smiled at each other and I scattered as quickly as my legs could carry me. I was soooo mortified!! So happy that little episode is over, but looking back on it, I suppose it was funny. I should have calmly looked at them and just said "I'm a transsexual", but I couldn't think that fast. Next time, I will check out the signs more carefully!!

What I really don't understand...about God

This is a touchy subject!! but I'm thinking about it and feel like I want to write my feelings and perhaps someone can help me with it. It's all about religion and spirituality and things like that.

I'm so confused on this subject, that it is really hard for me to say exactly what I believe and don't believe.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and my mom made me go to church every Sunday, and if I didn't go for any reason, she made me stay in all day. This usually always motivated me to go.

So, in my opinion, I was brainwashed at a very early age to believe in Chrisianity and Jesus dying on the cross for me. My church even taught us that it was a sin to dance. When I was a teenager, I took an oath at church not to dance because it was the devil's work. Of course, I never stuck by that. I was very active in my church as a young teenager and young adult. I believed it all. I was baptised at the age of 8 and was very anxious to get this done, because I thought my soul was surely damed to hell if I didn't get baptised.

When I got married and left home, I stopped going to church. I just felt like I could still be a good Christian without showing up every Sunday. I partied and drank with my friends and the subject of religion just didn't come up very much. I was a good person and kind to others but religion just didn't come up and it wasn't a part of my life for many years. I didn't question my belief's cuz it just didn't come up.

When I married my current husband in 1976 we didn't go to church and really never talked about it. He had been raised a Catholic but had left the church and just didn't believe in any of it. Not in Jesus, not in God. He just believed we should all be good people and when we die, we die. No hearafter or any of that. He never prayed because he didn't believe there was anyone to pray to. But I can honestly say, I believe that he is the most honest, truthful and faithful person I've ever known. He is truly a good man. He never condemned anyone who had religion. He just thought it was something unnecessary in anyone's life. Actually, we just didn't talk about religion much. I thought I was a good Christian and my job would be to lead him to the Lord with actions rather than words.

However, as the years went by, I started to question my entire belief system. According to the things I was taught in church growing up, if he was right he would surely end up in Hell. But that made no sense, because he was such a good person. This was the beginning of my confusion.

When we started having children, I wanted them to have the experience of Sunday School and going to Church. So I took the children regularly from the beginning, and I went myself for several years. They both went to Christian Pre Schools and Jeff even went to Catholic school the first and second grade.

It was about 1990 and Jeff was around 11 and Jenny was around 8 when I stopped going to church and stopped taking them. One of Jeff's very good friends was Jewish and once Jeff came to me because he was confused because he knew that his friends belief's were quite different than what he had been taught. He asked me if his friend would go to Hell because he didn't believe that Jesus was the son of God. This question really put me on a path of confusion!!!

I don't even remember how I answered Jeff, except I probably told him that I was sure they would both go to heaven. And I didn't know who was right.

By this time, the children knew that John didn't believe and they loved and respected him very much. John is probably one of the smartest people I know and personally, I was beginning to believe that just maybe he had it right. But my doubts lingered for years. But we didn't talk about it much. I did start going to a weekly bible study group in my neighborhood hoping this would help me and it ended up making me more doubtful than ever. The people in the group just made me feel horrible because I had the nerve to even question God's word!!

Years past and when Jeff was in high school or college (can't remember exactly which one) He took a course on religions of the world. I was very interested in this and we talked about the different cultures often. Until that time, I didn't realize that every religion is so very much alike. We all have our "saviors" and so many of the events in the bible took place in other religions too...like the flood and the famines and other stories that I had always thought were strictly Christian happenings. At this point, I asked myself.....How in the world is it possible that only we who believe that Jesus is the son of God will be the only ones in heaven. Christianity was a tiny religion compared to all the other religions in the world. If what I had been taught as a child was true, there would be no Jews, Budda's, Hindu or Muslims in heaven, they were all wrong!!! I knew this could not be true.

It was at this point that I realized religion was something I didn't understand at all. I no longer believed that only Christianity is right. I knew that I had to have an open mind to other possibilitys.

By the time all of these doubts came to my head, the only siblings living were my brother, Jack and my sister, Mary Lou. I have tried to talk to both of them about my feelings and they refuse to even consider the possibility that we were all brainwashed. My brother died some years back and I'm sure he died thinking my soul was damned to hell because of my lack of belief's. I can't talk to my sister about it, because she just says I'm wrong. She says I just have to believe it because the bible tells me so. The die hard Christians just won't have an open mind to any other possibilities.

So, here I am 66 years old and not really sure what I believe. I do think there is something out there that controls some things in the universe. I don't think it is a man with a long white beard. It's some sort of force of nature, something that makes us want to be good people and kind to others. That wants us to help others and be open to everyone's belief's. I do pray. I say "Dear God......" But I don't know if it is just because old habits die hard or what. I feel like that if there is such a thing as heaven, I'll go there. I know that I am a good person, but i don't believe in organized religion and I don't believe that Jesus was the son of God. I think he was a great man and probably did wonderful things...but he just happens to be the Christian profit.

So many of the young people today, including my own children and many of my nieces and nephews have all the same doubts that I do. So, I know I'm not alone.

I guess my question is what is GOD? Does this "force" or whatever it is control everything that happens? I hear so many Christians say "everything happens for a reason" Don't we have free will? Is everything already decided for us and we have no control over it? I'm not trying to make anyone change their belief's, I just wish I understood my own belief's.

Most religious zelots are a laughing stock and evangelists have an awful reputation for just trying to get rich off of poor believers.

In closing, I will say this. I have a reoccuring dream...it is just about always the same. I am at different places when it happens but it always happens the same in my dream. It gets very dark outside and then the sky starts to open and a bright light shines through and I can see that image of GOD (and he is a man in my dream) descending down through the clouds with his arms outstretched and when this happens...I am overwhelmed with happiness. I feel a joy that I cannot explain and I always say to myself "so it's really true...there is a God"...I know that what I'm dreaming is the end of the world and I love that dream because my heart is always filled with love when i wake up. Why am I so confused over this? Deep in my heart, I believe John is probably right and when we die, it's just over....but what i truly want to believe is that dying is truly the beginning and not the end.

The bible is just a book. A bunch of scholars got together and decided what to include and what not to exclude. I think major happenings were left out and many of the things in it are fiction. I don't believe that the bible is the word of the Lord.

Also, if God knows everything that is going to happen and controls everything that does happen, what good is prayer anyway? Hasn't he already made up his mind? Can we change it with prayer? Is prayer and the belief in God just a crutch for people? Why is it that when something good happens in our lives, we thank God and believe God is so good...we thank him for a beautiful day or a wonderful event...what about the horrible things that happen like awful birth defects, or natural disasters that kill thousands...doesn't God have a hand in that too?

But on the other hand....I think having a GOD is important in all societies. I don't understand why but some people just need to believe. I would love to hear other people's belief's and ideas on this!!! If only to find out I'm not alone in my doubts.

The Story of Shadow and Angel

In 2003 when Jeff moved to Los Angeles, he and his buddies moved into this large house where another kid about his age was already living. It was his family home, he had grown up in the house but his parents had separated and each had left town and he stayed in the house and rented out rooms to these boys. His parents had left rather suddenly I think because they left all their furniture, 2 dogs and a bird. Then the kid moved out leaving Jefff and his roommates with these pets. There was Shadow, a large german shepherd. A very playful solid black dog. He looked scary but he was sweet and loved to play ball all the time. He never tired of playing with his ball.

He probably weighed about 80 lbs. He was huge. Then there was Angel, she was a german shepherd mix and she looked almost like a wolf or a coyote. She was smaller than Shadow and a shy, quiet dog who just seemed to "tolerate" Shadow. Then there was the bird. He was a cockateal and he stayed in a cage outside all the time. The temperature in Southern California is always nice, and he was covered by a little porch in his cage if it rained. After a couple of years, someone left the cage door open and the bird flew away...never to be seen again!!!

Jeff lived in that house for about 5 years. The owner finally came forward and announced that he was going to sell the house. By this time, the house really felt like home to Jeff and his buddies. They were going to have to do something with these dogs. At this house, there was a huge yard and they were both outside dogs. They kept an old sofa in a covered breezeway kinda thing and the dogs slept on that old sofa, rarely coming in the house. There was no way Jeff would abandon the dogs. He was determined to take care of them.

Jeff felt like he could probably handle Angel in an apartment, but there was no way Shadow could live in an apartment. He was just too wild and rambunctious!! After much searching, Jeff found a german shepherd rescue place that agreed to take Shadow. What a relief!! After about 2 weeks, they notified him that they had found home for Shadow. Jeff moved into an apartment with his friend and Angel. That was about 2 years ago. They now live in an upstairs apartment and Angel is a big problem. She is old and has arthritis and can't go up and down the stairs very well at all. In fact, sometimes she can't even stand up by herself. Jeff will stand her up and carry her downstairs so she can go to the bathroom. She can't be left alone because she tries to go to the bathroom and makes a huge mess. Jeff said that he is bathing her every single day. I have been telling Jeff that it is time to simply put Angel down. We don't know how old she is but she has to be really old. It is hard for Jeff to let go. Hard for him to have her put down. I have been telling him it is time to do it for several months. The situation has gotten so desperate that Jeff has called every rescue place in Los Angeles, trying to find someone that could take care of Angel. When they find out her condition, the answer is always the same....put her down!! Finally, one place agreed to come see Angel and take a pic of her and see if they could place her. When the very compassionate lady saw Angel, she said the same thing to Jeff. You have to put her down. She guessed that Angel was at least 15 years old. She isn't very responsive to people at this point and her nature is to be shy anyway. As hard as this is, Jeff has made an appointment with a vet to have Angle euthanized on Friday, tomorrow!!

Jeff is spending these last days with her, petting her and giving her treats.

We can always say "death is a part of life", but when it comes time to let someone go, it is very difficult and hard to realize that it is the best thing for them!! RIP ANGEL...

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Ready to Travel...

John is in the UK on business and I am sitting here with great anticipation of my upcoming trip to Los Angeles. I will be there a whopping 10 days. Linda (my best friend) will be coming in on Wednesday and then on Thursday morning (July 8th) we will both fly to LA. She will be there for 4 days and we will do the touristy thing...movie stars homes, Jay Leno, and look for movie stars. Then we will see Jenny and Dave's play and she will fly home on Sunday. Then I will have the rest of the time to spend with the kids.

We will have lunch at the Ivy and dinner at Mr. Chow's. I can't wait..