The Oscars!!

I just got home from the Oscars!! What a blast...I had a room at the Hollywood Renaissance Hotel, which is right in the Hollywood and Highland Center where the Kodak Theater is. Don't get the idea that this gave me any closer look at the actual Oscars, but it did give me the privilege

of seeing everything backstage the night before. I will put some of those photos on my Facebook soon. I have to unload my camera...

I got there on Thursday, the 24th. Barbara went with me. She is like a 2nd daughter to me and a best friend too. Also, she is like a girlfriend with Jenny. It was great traveling with her. We went out to dinner with Jeff and Jenny every night and on the day of the Oscars, the security was impossible to believe!! Nobody could get into the hotel unless they knew someone (like me!) They had told us the day before that there would be no cars in or out on the day of the awards because all of the limos that bring the stars will be parking in the Renaissance parking garage. So, we parked ourselves at the bar, which was right at the front door so we could see people coming and going. I learned a lot about who goes to the Oscars each year too. Most of the people that were hanging out at the Renaissance bar were "seat fillers"...what a good job. They actually PAY people from all over the USA to come and fill those seats. Some of the people I talked to said that they hade been applying for YEARS and finally got the call. I guess it is sort of like being picked to be on Survivor or The Amazing Race or Big Brother. All I know for sure is that I am putting my name on that list for next year and hope I get the call to join in.

Barbara had given Jenny a Margarita Machine for Christmas and so Jenny brought it to my room and we had margaritas every night!!!

I knew how busy the kids were with their own lives and so it warmed my heart that they both took so much time to be with us. I am one lucky gal.

It is sounding very OFFICIAL...

John says June 2011 will be his last month to work. He says this is it for sure!! I am sure we will adjust to that just fine. However, it is going to take some getting used to. Jenny will be working on her Master's and Jeff working on his Phd and me and John just vegging out here at home.

John did say he would do some traveling with me. He will visit the kids with me when I go and I might be able to talk him into some other trip if I had anywhere to go. I really don't care to travel and "see the world". If I have a trip planned, I want it to be to see my kids.

By this summer we will know where the kids will be for the next few years and I guess my traveling will be looking for a new place out west for us to live. Someplace easier to visit the kids. Moving is sort of a pain in the butt though. But I think I'd enjoy looking for another house.

We will see what the future holds.

IT HAPPENED....John's last day of work was May 31, 2011.  He is home all day long every day. I actually like it. By the time all the retirement checks started rolling in and I realized that our retirement is just over $150,000 a year....I have decided that it's good.  John is happy and he is not stressed....I want to find some business to keep me busy.  I volunteer at the 'white house in the office of presidential correspondendence.  It is interesting but driving in a bitch and finding a parking place is another bitch. I am losing the flavor!!''

Retirement...

How can it be that I am old enough to retire...long past it too. Where did the time go? I see other people who are 66 years old and I cannot believe that I too...am just that old. I felt pretty darn old when I started drawing my Social Security. That was when I was 63 and then half of that went away when I started having to pay for Medicare last year!!

But now I am facing real retirement. I suppose I have been retired since I took maternity leave 31 years ago to have Jeff. I never went back to work after that. From that moment on, I was a stay at home mom. When Jeff was 2 and a half, I got pregnant with Jenny. At that point, I sorta knew that my "out of the house" working days were over. I never wanted to go back to work and have actually been very happy staying home with them, and after they were out of the house, I still never felt the need or desire to go back to work. I would have waves of wishing I was working and even looked for a job a couple of times, when I would possibly get close to actually HAVING a job, I would change my mind. I liked staying home too much.

I am 5 years and 5 months older than John. I never "felt" older than him and it has never been any sort of issue with us. He just turned 61 and is seriously talking about retiring. He is tired of working and wants to see what all the fun is staying home. Quite frankly, I'm not ready for him to retire!! It isn't like he has hobbies or things that he wants to do at home. But somehow, it worries me. Financially, we are in great shape. He has a lovely military retirement, plus he will be getting some government retirement and eventually SS. Money isn't the issue at all.

When the kids were little, I know that they consumed my every thought. I devoted myself to them and their activities. In the back of my mind, I worried about what life would be like with me and John when they were both out of the house. Well, since they have both been out now for over 5 years, I can tell you that worry was needless. We sort of drifted right into a natural "groove" for ourselves and it has actually been a really nice time with just the 2 of us. But he was going to work 5 days a week and even did a bit of traveling from time to time. I have always been Ms Independence and for whatever reason, it has all worked very well for us.

However, now I am facing the reality that he may be home all the time, every day. We always "get along" so I why should that worry me? I don't really think he will be as happy as he thinks he will day after day. I think he NEEDS something outside of the home to keep his mind active and occupied. In years past, his work has always been so important to him. As the years have gone by, I suppose he has "lost the flavor". I suppose time will tell in this situation. I think he has another few good years of working in him and I know he still has a lot to offer his employer. Maybe it is the fear of the unknown that has me worried. I guess the conclusion of this story is yet to come.

Am I being selfish? I'm not just thinking of me, I am thinking of him and his well being also. I guess I'm just venting now.

We should give Thanks!!!

I am thankful for many things. I have found as I have grown older that I am also growing wiser. It is a rotten shame that couldn't have had this wisdom when I was younger. They say that youth is wasted on the young!!! Well, I don't know if that is true or not...

It is a hard realization that as we get older, we are less important to our children. I'm not saying that they love us any less...but we are actually less a part of their lives. That's the way it was with me when I was younger and my own mom was still alive and I know that is the way it is with my children. In reality, I wouldn't have it any other way. However, when I'm the one sitting home wondering what my children are up to...it could be very easy to feel left out or to be less thankful. It is wonderful that they have full lives and just "check in" with me. I have friends who complain about not hearing from their children. I am so lucky that I don't have that complaint!!

I look back at my life and I wonder if I would change anything if I had a chance. I know that I would. However, I don't think I would change anything that would take me to anywhere except where I am right now. So, what would I change? probably nothing. But I made a lot of mistakes getting here. I suppose a lot of those mistakes made me who I am today. They say experience teaches a good school...but a fool will learn in no other. I guess I'm that fool.

Life is good...

I am just getting over whatever it was. It could have been the flu, it could have been a sinus infection but whatever it was, those antibiotics knocked it out. I feel like I have been in a fog for a couple of weeks!! But today is a new day and I'm gonna make the most of it.

John and I will have Thanksgiving here with our 4 legged little girls. Then I will be looking forward to Christmas. Jenny will be here on the 15th and Jeff will be here on the 18th. Jenny is gonna fly home to go to Vegas with Dave for Christmas day, and Jeff and I are gonna drive to Atlantic City for Christmas day. I tried...but could not convince John to go with us. His favorite thing to do is stay home and chill.

I loved Christmas growing up. I used to sleep on the sofa close to the christmas tree, hoping to catch santa claus in the act. I never did!! My mom always made christmas special for me. I felt very much like an only child because by the time I was 12 I was the only child left at home. It was a life of mostly me and my mom. My dad kept to himself most of the time and we liked it that way. I wonder if the day will ever come when I don't miss my mom. She died February 10, 1985 and I still think of her just about every day. She put her children before everything else and always made me feel special.

The last few years that we lived together were mostly good times. I moved home in May, 1974 after the auto accident and splitting up with you know who. I got a modest settlement regarding a bit of insurance I had because of the accident. Ten thousand dollars to be exact. I took that money and in October 1974 I bought a little house for me and mom. The cost of the house was $28,000. I paid $10,000 down and took over payments of $120 a month. I went back to work for Boopa Pritchard as a legal secretary. Mom and I were torn between the house I bought and another one that would have also been $10,000 down but the payments would have been $200 a month, and I just couldn't swing payments that big!!

I wish I could relive those last couple of years with mom in that house at 4123 Olivia Drive. I married John in May of 1976 and moved to Mississippi with him. Mom stayed in that house until she got so sick with complications from breast cancer that she moved in with me and John in 1981. I would change a lot about those couple of years we lived together. I would have spent more time with her. I would have gone to church with her every Sunday, the way she wanted me to. She worried about me until I met John. I think after I met him, she felt like I was gonna be ok. She loved him dearly and was so happy that we got married.

She was worried about me because I dated a lot and she just thought I'd never settle down. I was determined not to get married again, but I did party a lot and wish now that I has spent that time with her. She loved living in that house on Olivia Drive. I sold that house in 1998 for about $80,000. I had the same renters for 16 years.

Very embarrassing moment!!!

Sunday I was hurrying through the Charleston airport to catch my flight back home. It was pretty crouded and I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to things going on around me. I knew I wanted to stop by the ladies room and pee before I got to my gate so when I saw the sign, I hurried in. I sat down and as I was peeing, I heard MEN'S voices!!! What...I stayed quiet and continued to listen....I looked under the stall and I could see 3 men standing side by side...obviously at urinals....I had gone into the men's bathroom. OMG...what now. I sat there for a while hoping it would clear out but each time someone would leave, another one or two would come in. I had to get out of there. I stood up and braced myself and very calmly opened the door. Two guys were there and they looked at me and then they looked at each other...they smiled at each other and I scattered as quickly as my legs could carry me. I was soooo mortified!! So happy that little episode is over, but looking back on it, I suppose it was funny. I should have calmly looked at them and just said "I'm a transsexual", but I couldn't think that fast. Next time, I will check out the signs more carefully!!

What I really don't understand...about God

This is a touchy subject!! but I'm thinking about it and feel like I want to write my feelings and perhaps someone can help me with it. It's all about religion and spirituality and things like that.

I'm so confused on this subject, that it is really hard for me to say exactly what I believe and don't believe.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and my mom made me go to church every Sunday, and if I didn't go for any reason, she made me stay in all day. This usually always motivated me to go.

So, in my opinion, I was brainwashed at a very early age to believe in Chrisianity and Jesus dying on the cross for me. My church even taught us that it was a sin to dance. When I was a teenager, I took an oath at church not to dance because it was the devil's work. Of course, I never stuck by that. I was very active in my church as a young teenager and young adult. I believed it all. I was baptised at the age of 8 and was very anxious to get this done, because I thought my soul was surely damed to hell if I didn't get baptised.

When I got married and left home, I stopped going to church. I just felt like I could still be a good Christian without showing up every Sunday. I partied and drank with my friends and the subject of religion just didn't come up very much. I was a good person and kind to others but religion just didn't come up and it wasn't a part of my life for many years. I didn't question my belief's cuz it just didn't come up.

When I married my current husband in 1976 we didn't go to church and really never talked about it. He had been raised a Catholic but had left the church and just didn't believe in any of it. Not in Jesus, not in God. He just believed we should all be good people and when we die, we die. No hearafter or any of that. He never prayed because he didn't believe there was anyone to pray to. But I can honestly say, I believe that he is the most honest, truthful and faithful person I've ever known. He is truly a good man. He never condemned anyone who had religion. He just thought it was something unnecessary in anyone's life. Actually, we just didn't talk about religion much. I thought I was a good Christian and my job would be to lead him to the Lord with actions rather than words.

However, as the years went by, I started to question my entire belief system. According to the things I was taught in church growing up, if he was right he would surely end up in Hell. But that made no sense, because he was such a good person. This was the beginning of my confusion.

When we started having children, I wanted them to have the experience of Sunday School and going to Church. So I took the children regularly from the beginning, and I went myself for several years. They both went to Christian Pre Schools and Jeff even went to Catholic school the first and second grade.

It was about 1990 and Jeff was around 11 and Jenny was around 8 when I stopped going to church and stopped taking them. One of Jeff's very good friends was Jewish and once Jeff came to me because he was confused because he knew that his friends belief's were quite different than what he had been taught. He asked me if his friend would go to Hell because he didn't believe that Jesus was the son of God. This question really put me on a path of confusion!!!

I don't even remember how I answered Jeff, except I probably told him that I was sure they would both go to heaven. And I didn't know who was right.

By this time, the children knew that John didn't believe and they loved and respected him very much. John is probably one of the smartest people I know and personally, I was beginning to believe that just maybe he had it right. But my doubts lingered for years. But we didn't talk about it much. I did start going to a weekly bible study group in my neighborhood hoping this would help me and it ended up making me more doubtful than ever. The people in the group just made me feel horrible because I had the nerve to even question God's word!!

Years past and when Jeff was in high school or college (can't remember exactly which one) He took a course on religions of the world. I was very interested in this and we talked about the different cultures often. Until that time, I didn't realize that every religion is so very much alike. We all have our "saviors" and so many of the events in the bible took place in other religions too...like the flood and the famines and other stories that I had always thought were strictly Christian happenings. At this point, I asked myself.....How in the world is it possible that only we who believe that Jesus is the son of God will be the only ones in heaven. Christianity was a tiny religion compared to all the other religions in the world. If what I had been taught as a child was true, there would be no Jews, Budda's, Hindu or Muslims in heaven, they were all wrong!!! I knew this could not be true.

It was at this point that I realized religion was something I didn't understand at all. I no longer believed that only Christianity is right. I knew that I had to have an open mind to other possibilitys.

By the time all of these doubts came to my head, the only siblings living were my brother, Jack and my sister, Mary Lou. I have tried to talk to both of them about my feelings and they refuse to even consider the possibility that we were all brainwashed. My brother died some years back and I'm sure he died thinking my soul was damned to hell because of my lack of belief's. I can't talk to my sister about it, because she just says I'm wrong. She says I just have to believe it because the bible tells me so. The die hard Christians just won't have an open mind to any other possibilities.

So, here I am 66 years old and not really sure what I believe. I do think there is something out there that controls some things in the universe. I don't think it is a man with a long white beard. It's some sort of force of nature, something that makes us want to be good people and kind to others. That wants us to help others and be open to everyone's belief's. I do pray. I say "Dear God......" But I don't know if it is just because old habits die hard or what. I feel like that if there is such a thing as heaven, I'll go there. I know that I am a good person, but i don't believe in organized religion and I don't believe that Jesus was the son of God. I think he was a great man and probably did wonderful things...but he just happens to be the Christian profit.

So many of the young people today, including my own children and many of my nieces and nephews have all the same doubts that I do. So, I know I'm not alone.

I guess my question is what is GOD? Does this "force" or whatever it is control everything that happens? I hear so many Christians say "everything happens for a reason" Don't we have free will? Is everything already decided for us and we have no control over it? I'm not trying to make anyone change their belief's, I just wish I understood my own belief's.

Most religious zelots are a laughing stock and evangelists have an awful reputation for just trying to get rich off of poor believers.

In closing, I will say this. I have a reoccuring dream...it is just about always the same. I am at different places when it happens but it always happens the same in my dream. It gets very dark outside and then the sky starts to open and a bright light shines through and I can see that image of GOD (and he is a man in my dream) descending down through the clouds with his arms outstretched and when this happens...I am overwhelmed with happiness. I feel a joy that I cannot explain and I always say to myself "so it's really true...there is a God"...I know that what I'm dreaming is the end of the world and I love that dream because my heart is always filled with love when i wake up. Why am I so confused over this? Deep in my heart, I believe John is probably right and when we die, it's just over....but what i truly want to believe is that dying is truly the beginning and not the end.

The bible is just a book. A bunch of scholars got together and decided what to include and what not to exclude. I think major happenings were left out and many of the things in it are fiction. I don't believe that the bible is the word of the Lord.

Also, if God knows everything that is going to happen and controls everything that does happen, what good is prayer anyway? Hasn't he already made up his mind? Can we change it with prayer? Is prayer and the belief in God just a crutch for people? Why is it that when something good happens in our lives, we thank God and believe God is so good...we thank him for a beautiful day or a wonderful event...what about the horrible things that happen like awful birth defects, or natural disasters that kill thousands...doesn't God have a hand in that too?

But on the other hand....I think having a GOD is important in all societies. I don't understand why but some people just need to believe. I would love to hear other people's belief's and ideas on this!!! If only to find out I'm not alone in my doubts.