Very embarrassing moment!!!

Sunday I was hurrying through the Charleston airport to catch my flight back home. It was pretty crouded and I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention to things going on around me. I knew I wanted to stop by the ladies room and pee before I got to my gate so when I saw the sign, I hurried in. I sat down and as I was peeing, I heard MEN'S voices!!! What...I stayed quiet and continued to listen....I looked under the stall and I could see 3 men standing side by side...obviously at urinals....I had gone into the men's bathroom. OMG...what now. I sat there for a while hoping it would clear out but each time someone would leave, another one or two would come in. I had to get out of there. I stood up and braced myself and very calmly opened the door. Two guys were there and they looked at me and then they looked at each other...they smiled at each other and I scattered as quickly as my legs could carry me. I was soooo mortified!! So happy that little episode is over, but looking back on it, I suppose it was funny. I should have calmly looked at them and just said "I'm a transsexual", but I couldn't think that fast. Next time, I will check out the signs more carefully!!

What I really don't understand...about God

This is a touchy subject!! but I'm thinking about it and feel like I want to write my feelings and perhaps someone can help me with it. It's all about religion and spirituality and things like that.

I'm so confused on this subject, that it is really hard for me to say exactly what I believe and don't believe.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church and my mom made me go to church every Sunday, and if I didn't go for any reason, she made me stay in all day. This usually always motivated me to go.

So, in my opinion, I was brainwashed at a very early age to believe in Chrisianity and Jesus dying on the cross for me. My church even taught us that it was a sin to dance. When I was a teenager, I took an oath at church not to dance because it was the devil's work. Of course, I never stuck by that. I was very active in my church as a young teenager and young adult. I believed it all. I was baptised at the age of 8 and was very anxious to get this done, because I thought my soul was surely damed to hell if I didn't get baptised.

When I got married and left home, I stopped going to church. I just felt like I could still be a good Christian without showing up every Sunday. I partied and drank with my friends and the subject of religion just didn't come up very much. I was a good person and kind to others but religion just didn't come up and it wasn't a part of my life for many years. I didn't question my belief's cuz it just didn't come up.

When I married my current husband in 1976 we didn't go to church and really never talked about it. He had been raised a Catholic but had left the church and just didn't believe in any of it. Not in Jesus, not in God. He just believed we should all be good people and when we die, we die. No hearafter or any of that. He never prayed because he didn't believe there was anyone to pray to. But I can honestly say, I believe that he is the most honest, truthful and faithful person I've ever known. He is truly a good man. He never condemned anyone who had religion. He just thought it was something unnecessary in anyone's life. Actually, we just didn't talk about religion much. I thought I was a good Christian and my job would be to lead him to the Lord with actions rather than words.

However, as the years went by, I started to question my entire belief system. According to the things I was taught in church growing up, if he was right he would surely end up in Hell. But that made no sense, because he was such a good person. This was the beginning of my confusion.

When we started having children, I wanted them to have the experience of Sunday School and going to Church. So I took the children regularly from the beginning, and I went myself for several years. They both went to Christian Pre Schools and Jeff even went to Catholic school the first and second grade.

It was about 1990 and Jeff was around 11 and Jenny was around 8 when I stopped going to church and stopped taking them. One of Jeff's very good friends was Jewish and once Jeff came to me because he was confused because he knew that his friends belief's were quite different than what he had been taught. He asked me if his friend would go to Hell because he didn't believe that Jesus was the son of God. This question really put me on a path of confusion!!!

I don't even remember how I answered Jeff, except I probably told him that I was sure they would both go to heaven. And I didn't know who was right.

By this time, the children knew that John didn't believe and they loved and respected him very much. John is probably one of the smartest people I know and personally, I was beginning to believe that just maybe he had it right. But my doubts lingered for years. But we didn't talk about it much. I did start going to a weekly bible study group in my neighborhood hoping this would help me and it ended up making me more doubtful than ever. The people in the group just made me feel horrible because I had the nerve to even question God's word!!

Years past and when Jeff was in high school or college (can't remember exactly which one) He took a course on religions of the world. I was very interested in this and we talked about the different cultures often. Until that time, I didn't realize that every religion is so very much alike. We all have our "saviors" and so many of the events in the bible took place in other religions too...like the flood and the famines and other stories that I had always thought were strictly Christian happenings. At this point, I asked myself.....How in the world is it possible that only we who believe that Jesus is the son of God will be the only ones in heaven. Christianity was a tiny religion compared to all the other religions in the world. If what I had been taught as a child was true, there would be no Jews, Budda's, Hindu or Muslims in heaven, they were all wrong!!! I knew this could not be true.

It was at this point that I realized religion was something I didn't understand at all. I no longer believed that only Christianity is right. I knew that I had to have an open mind to other possibilitys.

By the time all of these doubts came to my head, the only siblings living were my brother, Jack and my sister, Mary Lou. I have tried to talk to both of them about my feelings and they refuse to even consider the possibility that we were all brainwashed. My brother died some years back and I'm sure he died thinking my soul was damned to hell because of my lack of belief's. I can't talk to my sister about it, because she just says I'm wrong. She says I just have to believe it because the bible tells me so. The die hard Christians just won't have an open mind to any other possibilities.

So, here I am 66 years old and not really sure what I believe. I do think there is something out there that controls some things in the universe. I don't think it is a man with a long white beard. It's some sort of force of nature, something that makes us want to be good people and kind to others. That wants us to help others and be open to everyone's belief's. I do pray. I say "Dear God......" But I don't know if it is just because old habits die hard or what. I feel like that if there is such a thing as heaven, I'll go there. I know that I am a good person, but i don't believe in organized religion and I don't believe that Jesus was the son of God. I think he was a great man and probably did wonderful things...but he just happens to be the Christian profit.

So many of the young people today, including my own children and many of my nieces and nephews have all the same doubts that I do. So, I know I'm not alone.

I guess my question is what is GOD? Does this "force" or whatever it is control everything that happens? I hear so many Christians say "everything happens for a reason" Don't we have free will? Is everything already decided for us and we have no control over it? I'm not trying to make anyone change their belief's, I just wish I understood my own belief's.

Most religious zelots are a laughing stock and evangelists have an awful reputation for just trying to get rich off of poor believers.

In closing, I will say this. I have a reoccuring dream...it is just about always the same. I am at different places when it happens but it always happens the same in my dream. It gets very dark outside and then the sky starts to open and a bright light shines through and I can see that image of GOD (and he is a man in my dream) descending down through the clouds with his arms outstretched and when this happens...I am overwhelmed with happiness. I feel a joy that I cannot explain and I always say to myself "so it's really true...there is a God"...I know that what I'm dreaming is the end of the world and I love that dream because my heart is always filled with love when i wake up. Why am I so confused over this? Deep in my heart, I believe John is probably right and when we die, it's just over....but what i truly want to believe is that dying is truly the beginning and not the end.

The bible is just a book. A bunch of scholars got together and decided what to include and what not to exclude. I think major happenings were left out and many of the things in it are fiction. I don't believe that the bible is the word of the Lord.

Also, if God knows everything that is going to happen and controls everything that does happen, what good is prayer anyway? Hasn't he already made up his mind? Can we change it with prayer? Is prayer and the belief in God just a crutch for people? Why is it that when something good happens in our lives, we thank God and believe God is so good...we thank him for a beautiful day or a wonderful event...what about the horrible things that happen like awful birth defects, or natural disasters that kill thousands...doesn't God have a hand in that too?

But on the other hand....I think having a GOD is important in all societies. I don't understand why but some people just need to believe. I would love to hear other people's belief's and ideas on this!!! If only to find out I'm not alone in my doubts.