Happy Birthday TOMORROW...to Mlou

My only living sister has a birthday tomorrow. She will be 74 years old. My family had surely dwendled through the years...but I guess that is what happens as we get older. Time marches on and a new generation takes over!!

Today I'm feeling pretty good. I just got back from Target and a lot of walking. My knees are doing great and I am more thankful every day that I had them both done when I did. I feel like I have a new lease on life in many ways. John has been in the Ukraine for the past week and he will come home tomorrow, and then Saturday Jeff will be here for 2 weeks. So I am a happy camper.

Jeff is a vegetarian so I am going to cook lots of meatless meals while he is here. I will have to toss in some meat for John but personally, I kinda like most things without the mean. I don't think I could ever go 100% vegetarian though. First Jeff was a vegan. That was when he was in high school. Then he switched to vegetarian. I have no idea where he got that from, but he is faithful to it. I love me a good old hot dog sometimes though and I could never live the rest of my life without a reuben now and then.

The more I write on this blog, the more I realize that I don't have a lot to say. I remember asking my mom to keep a diary for me and she made an honest effort to do that but most days there just wasn't much to write about and that is how I feel now. I don't feel strongly enough about any issue to make a point of it and for the most part...my life is pretty dull..but dull is good. It just isn't very interesting to read about.

So, I expect to be really busy and happily doing stuff with Jeff for the next 2 weeks.

Today I am Sad...

I just watched the Michael Jackson Memorial on my computer. First of all, I don't believe he was a child molester. No one will ever know the real story of that, but personally, I dont believe it. He was truly a loved person. I have read all the headlines, and it certainly looks like he just wanted to sleep. Now he will sleep forever! I am sad for his passing and I feel very sad for his family. I don't care what anyone says...he was the greatest performer I ever saw, and he had more talent than anyone.

So today I'm alone. John is out of town and I've been sitting here at the computer watching this live stream all day, it seems like. I just don't feel much like doing anything. Yesterday, I walked a lot. I went shopping and was out of the house most of the day. Last night my legs felt great. Today I'm having to use my cane because I'm not walking much. I should go get on the treadmill for a while. I may do just that.

Catch 22

Although I am doing wonderfully with the progress of my knee replacements. I do have a dilemma to deal with. You see, because of the injuries I received to my ankles 37 years ago TODAY (in fact) my ankles are very weak and have been fused to the point where I have very little movement in them. I had some bone loss due to them being crushed and they are held together now with 3 large screws in each ankle. I think I'm stuck with this senario for the rest of my life. No matter how great my knees get...my ankles will always keep me handicapped.

The more I walk on my knees, the better off I am. The pain is practically nothing at the end of the day if I have done a sufficient amount of walking. When I don't walk so much, they get stiff and I have more pain. The catch 22 is with my ankles, because the more I walk on my ankles, the more pain I have. Thankfully, it is pain that I can walk through. I can't walk nearly as far as someone with healthy joints, and the pain isn't such that I MUST stop walking (like the knee pain was before the surgery) Before the surgery, the knee pain was debilitating and I simply could not walk or bend my knees. So, all in all...I'm way better than I was before, but if I had good ankles, I'd be running by now. On the other hand, if I had good ankles, my life would be entirely different too and I could be a lot worse off than I would want to think about. So, I spend my time thanking my lucky stars to be where I am. Although it does get frustrating sometimes.

Thanks Jim...

Jim said to write what is on my heart.  Well, what is on my heart this morning is love...I remember before I had any children, I had the misfortune of having 2 miscarriages.   When I was on my 3rd pregnancy, I was so afraid of another miscarriage.  I just though...if I could just get through this 9 months and have a healthy baby...that's all I would need in the world...then I did have that healthy wonderful baby and was lucky enough to have another one 3 years later.  I never understood how much my mother loved me until I had my own children.  I am sure that just about every parent loves their child like this.  It is a wonderful thing!!

The part that is hard is when they are teenagers and on their way to adulthood, you wish so much that THEY could learn from YOUR mistakes.  Why do they have to learn things for themselves. Sometimes we try to help them too much.  And in doing that, we aren't helping them at all.  I just couldn't help myself sometimes though.  Luckily, they are suffering no ill effects from any mistakes I may have made as they were growing up.

I wish I could make their lives perfect. I wish that fixing their problems were as easy as kissing a wounded knee or buying a stuffed toy.  Now that they are adults, all I can do is hope that they ask me for advice and not give it unless they do.  That is hard for me.  Sometimes I want to just tell them what to do.  Knowing that they are going to do whatever they feel is best for them at the time.  When does this need to "parent" end?  I had no idea it went on forever like this.  I used to think when you're 18 you are on your own and able to take care of yourself completely. At least that is what I thought about MYSELF.  I've always thought my children needed me (even if they really don't)  I know it is something that just makes me feel good.

Through my broken marriages I lived with my mother off and on until I met John.  I wish I had those days back. I used to go out at night after work and my mom would always complain because I went out all the time.  She wanted me to spend more time with her.  I would give anything for that time now.  I would be the happiest person in the world if I could just sit down and talk to my mom and tell her how right she was about everything.  One thing I am very happy for is that before she died, I told my mother that if my own children would ever love me as much as I know I loved her, then I would know that I had been a successful mother.

I know that my children have to make their own mistakes, and all I can do is sit back and watch and be here to listen when they want to talk.  But I wonder if it ever gets easier.  My sister is 9 years older than me and her children are older.  Recently, I asked her this question and she assured me that it never gets any easier.  No matter how old they are,  you still want to be included in their lives and are interested in every aspect of their lives.   You still worry about them and their children, but there really isn't anything you can do to help them if they do have a problem.  It surely is great when they include you.  I am very lucky, because even though my children live 3,000 miles away, I hear from them several times a week.  In many ways, my life still revolves around them.