Thanks Jim...

Jim said to write what is on my heart.  Well, what is on my heart this morning is love...I remember before I had any children, I had the misfortune of having 2 miscarriages.   When I was on my 3rd pregnancy, I was so afraid of another miscarriage.  I just though...if I could just get through this 9 months and have a healthy baby...that's all I would need in the world...then I did have that healthy wonderful baby and was lucky enough to have another one 3 years later.  I never understood how much my mother loved me until I had my own children.  I am sure that just about every parent loves their child like this.  It is a wonderful thing!!

The part that is hard is when they are teenagers and on their way to adulthood, you wish so much that THEY could learn from YOUR mistakes.  Why do they have to learn things for themselves. Sometimes we try to help them too much.  And in doing that, we aren't helping them at all.  I just couldn't help myself sometimes though.  Luckily, they are suffering no ill effects from any mistakes I may have made as they were growing up.

I wish I could make their lives perfect. I wish that fixing their problems were as easy as kissing a wounded knee or buying a stuffed toy.  Now that they are adults, all I can do is hope that they ask me for advice and not give it unless they do.  That is hard for me.  Sometimes I want to just tell them what to do.  Knowing that they are going to do whatever they feel is best for them at the time.  When does this need to "parent" end?  I had no idea it went on forever like this.  I used to think when you're 18 you are on your own and able to take care of yourself completely. At least that is what I thought about MYSELF.  I've always thought my children needed me (even if they really don't)  I know it is something that just makes me feel good.

Through my broken marriages I lived with my mother off and on until I met John.  I wish I had those days back. I used to go out at night after work and my mom would always complain because I went out all the time.  She wanted me to spend more time with her.  I would give anything for that time now.  I would be the happiest person in the world if I could just sit down and talk to my mom and tell her how right she was about everything.  One thing I am very happy for is that before she died, I told my mother that if my own children would ever love me as much as I know I loved her, then I would know that I had been a successful mother.

I know that my children have to make their own mistakes, and all I can do is sit back and watch and be here to listen when they want to talk.  But I wonder if it ever gets easier.  My sister is 9 years older than me and her children are older.  Recently, I asked her this question and she assured me that it never gets any easier.  No matter how old they are,  you still want to be included in their lives and are interested in every aspect of their lives.   You still worry about them and their children, but there really isn't anything you can do to help them if they do have a problem.  It surely is great when they include you.  I am very lucky, because even though my children live 3,000 miles away, I hear from them several times a week.  In many ways, my life still revolves around them.