I hate having to be pushed in the wheelchair everywhere but it is next to impossible to do anything alone and without assistance. I don't want to be "taken care of". I have always been such an independent person and it really makes me depressed to have to depend on someone else so much. I know my family loves me and would rather see me living in a wheelchair than dead, but I'm not sure about myself and how I feel. I want to be here to take care of things that John hates to do and I want to continue to see my children do well, but personally...life would suck if I couldn't walk at all. I guess I'm just voicing my fears here. My fear of the surgery, knowing all the other problems I have with my legs, and how it will all work out. I got a great book on exercises, etc. to prepare for the surgery, but I can't do over half of them simply because I don't have any movement in my ankles already and my back hurts because of the difference in the length of my legs. I'm a mess!! But, I've been living with those problems for years. The new problem (MY KNEES) really just started interfering with my life about a year ago and since Christmas, it has gotten way worse. If I did nothing, I don't think I'd be walking another year at all. At least now I can get to the bathroom and stand to cook for a little while, but if I didn't have my knees replaced, even that will go away. So, I'm giving myself a bit of a pep talk about why getting the surgery is the best thing to do no matter what happens in the end.
I go for my post operative visit with Dr. Providence this Wednesday. Today was my last day to be able to take my pain meds, so I know that sometime tonight or tomorrow I'm going to be in a lot of pain with my ankles and back. I had to stop with the pain killers because they make my blood thin and it would be dangerous and cause too much bleeding if I was still taking them. Ironic that they will put me on blood thinners after the surgery because of the danger of blood clots. Jeez, oh man, I'll be glad when this is overwith and I won't have this fearful lump in my tummy!!
The last time I felt like this was when they told me I had breast cancer back in 1994. Back then, I kept telling myself that my children were too young for me to die. I can't use that excuse anymore because they are both successful and know where they are going in life. Their career patterns are falling into place. Although I would love to see each of them happily married. But that is part of the theme of Jenny's play...that marriage isn't necessary anymore...if 2 people love each other, why have the paper and love makes no difference with or without it. They (all the ones doing the play) are looking at love and relationship idealistically and from the LOVE point of view. At my age, I look at it from the practical point of view and know how important the paper is because of survivorship and taking care of each other financially. I know that this point of view comes with age. This is what I wish everyone understood about gay marriage. I am very much in favor of gay marriage, because I know many gay people and they love one another just like straight people do. They are born that way. They didn't make a choice to be gay. God made them this way and why can't the world understand that!! I suppose maybe you have to know a gay person PERSONALLY to understand that. I do believe that eventually the world will understand and gay marriage will be an every day event. It is progress in our world, it is a necessary change.
what are you going to name your new knees?
ReplyDeleteThe one on the left is gonna be "Punk Rock" and the one on the right is gonna be "Ralph Nader"...
ReplyDelete