Tomorrow is the big day....

I woke up this morning feeling PANICKY...just started thinking about the whole thing.  Jeez, oh man I'll be glad when I'm home from the hospital and on the road to recovery.  I don't dread the surgery, I just dread the process.  Does that make any sense??

So, thinks have gotten pretty bad around here since I can't do much of anything.  I had to stop my pain meds, and I honestly don't think I could go another day like this. I walk only when I absolutely have to and that is with the help of a walker.  I did try to explain to Cindy and Stella (my doggies) about me going away, etc. but you know what...I don't think they got it at all!!

John is taking the rest of the week off and he will work from home all of next week.  That is a blessing for me.  Because I just don't know what kind of shape I'll be in.  All of this reminds me of 37 years ago when I had the horrible auto accident.  I had been married only 3 weeks when it happened.  Although we didnt get divorced for 3 years after that...the marriage was over the minute the accident happened. He just couldn't handle me being laid up like that.  I was in the hospital initially for 13 months with occasional visits home on the weekends.  My mother had come to stay with Pat (my then husband) and to be with me as much as she could.  I think Pat just resented her being there. I really don't know what happened, except that I was a burden to him and he didn't want my mother to be there.  However, if she hadn't been there, I would have really been alone.  

I remember the nurses giving him a hard time because he didn't visit very often.  My mom was there all day every day.  She was the biggest gift I could have gotten then.  She stayed with us for about 18 months total.  She just left her house and her entire life and came hundreds of miles away from home to be with me.  I truly appreciated it then and still do.  

Looking back on the whole thing,  it was the worst time of my life.  Both of my ankles were crushed and one of them was so bad that the doctors wanted to take it off, and I just insisted that they keep trying to save it.  I just couldn't handle the idea of the lower leg being gone.  Eventually, after a very long recovery period and a bone graft to my left leg, I was up and walking again.   Life at home was miserable.  Pat was working on his Master's Degree at the time and I agreed to stay with him until he got it. I think he wanted me there to do the typing for his thesis.  It certainly wasn't because there was any feelings left between us.   The accident was July 4, 1972 and mom went home sometime around January 1974.  I stayed on in Bowling Green, Ohio with Pat until May, 1974 when I moved back home with mom.  We agreed that we would not get divorced, because he was in the Navy and I needed his medical benefits for another few years. I was still being medivaced to San Francisco at Letterman General Hospital for follow up treatments at the time.  Pat had met someone else by this time and although he did want a divorce, he understood my needs.

I had a brace on one leg and the other was in a cast, but I called my old boss (I had been a legal secretary) and asked if I could "fill in" for other secretaries as they wanted to take their vacations.  He said yes and I started back to working.  After a couple of weeks, he asked me if I wanted to come back full time and be his secretary. I told him that I would love to do that, but I would need occasional time off for follow up meds, etc.  He agreed and believe it or not...He fired his current secretary and re-hired me.   We always had  a great relationship and I was very loyal to him as a secretary. I worked long hours of overtime and was very dedicated.  In fact, he had PAID for my wedding to Pat in the first place.   He rented a huge cruise liner and the reception was on the water at Charleston Harbor.  Such a beautiful outdoor wedding and a fabulous reception.  That just goes to show you that a big wedding and reception certainly doesn't help the marriage survive.  John and I were married sitting on a bar stool in his apartment. We were married by my very good friend in high school, who had become a minister.  She was in the Air Force, and stationed near where John lived at the time.  But that is another whole story that I will tell later.  I mean about meeting and marrying John.  He has been the absolute best thing that ever happened to me, and I would never have met him if not for the auto accident. Speaking of the accident.... Pat and I were living in Fort Knox, Kentucky at the army base and decided to go to visit his parents in Ohio for the 4th.  We had a nice visit but for some reason, at midnight on the morning of the 4th, Pat woke me up and said "lets go home"...We have had a nice visit, but there are lots of things that I need to get done at home. I was sound asleep and didn't want to leave, but he insisted and so I told him I would just lay in the back seat and sleep.  So, at midnight we headed out down the road.  Somewhere around 4 am he stopped the car on the side of the road and said he had to sleep.  It was a dark, deserted place and by this time, I "thought" I was wide awake.  I was really afraid to stay at this lonely place on the side of the road.  So, I got in the front seat and Pat got in the back seat and he went to sleep.  I decided to start driving.  I hadn't been on the road 20 minutes when apparently, I fell asleep.  I remember being startled and I slammed on the brakes and all hell broke loose and the next thing I remember is laying in what felt like mud. Pat was taking his belt off and tightening it around my left leg.  I knew I was hurt, but I just didn't know how bad. I do remember trying to feel down my left leg to see if it was still there.  I couldn't feel anything.  Our dog, GUS, was barking like crazy and when the ambulance got there he bit one of the paramedics.  As they loaded me on the ambulance, Gus took off into the darkness.  Pat rode with me to the hospital and after they took me into surgery, he went back down the highway with a police officer, and they found Gus several miles away running down the interstate scared to death. I loved that dog so much.  He was a beautiful weimariner that Pat had gotten just after we met as a little puppy.  He was not a particularly "good" dog because he had to be quaranteened several times for biting people.  

     

     It just so happened that my sister, Bonnie and her son Harry, were at my mom's house in Charleston when the accident happened.   They were leaving that very same day for a long road trip to the Grand Canyon.  When Pat called with the news of my accident, mom insisted that they change their plans and drive to Ohio where I was in the hospital.  They left home and weren't 3 miles from home and they had an accident with an  18 wheeler truck.  Luckily, it wasn't very bad, but bad enough to send them back home.  At this point, they called me and I was through surgery and very high on pain killers, so I was feeling no pain.   I spoke happily to mom and told her to be careful and take their time coming up to Ohio and that I was gonna be fine.  Bonnie later told me that the accident they had was really a blessing because it sent them home and were able to talk to me and that made the trip much more pleasant for them, since they weren't in such a hurry now.

My in laws at the time owned a camper and so they brought the camper down and agreed to leave it there in Ohio for mom, Bonnie, Pat and Harry to stay in.  The doctors had told me that I would be in the hospital about 6 weeks.  However, after one week, my legs started staining through the casts and there was a bad smell.  So, they decided to cut the casts open and see what was going on.  Sure enough, there was a bad infection and Pat told me that he could see grass seeds growing up through my stitches.  I had to be sent via Medivac to Fort Knox Hospital where they had to cut away much dead tissue, and this is where I was in the hospital for so long.

Now I'm getting nervous!!!

With my surgery less than a week away, I'm starting to think about it and worry.  I suppose that is natural.  My knees hurt more than usual because I had to stop taking my pain meds, cuz the Dr. said that they might interfere with my blood clotting during and after surgery.  I just want to get it over with.

I can't stand up long enough to make dinner and I feel so helpless.  My only contribution to the household right now is that I'm able to sit at the computer and pay bills.  Seems like that is all I do these days is sit at the computer and then when nightfall hits, I switch to my chair and turn on the tv...I had to start using a walker here in the house too.  What a bummer!!

This reminds me so much of the days 37 years ago after the bad accident.   I hate this!! However, I know I'm lucky in many ways. I have security and I'm surrounded by love.  

Today is Jeff's 30th birthday.  I know that 30 years ago today was one of the happiest days of my life.  Having had 2 miscarriages, I was paranoid constantly that I wouldn't get through the pregnancy.  A couple of weeks before he was due, the Dr. said that it didn't look like he had turned yet and he was afraid that his head was  not getting into position to be born.  So, he sent me for X-rays.  Sure enough, Jeff was a transverse lie.  He was laying sideways and there was absolutely no room for him to move into position.  The Dr. said he could not be born this way.  He said that the contractions could break Jeff's back and might even kill me.  So, he said we had to schedule a C-section immediately.  John played on some softball team at the time and he wanted to to schedule it so he wouldn't have to miss a game.  The Dr. suggested the 18th of April and John said no...because he had a game that day.  Could we do it on the 17th and the Dr. agreed.  So, Jeff was born on the 17th of April.  His due date was April 25th.

I had a spinal and was joyfully awake during the entire thing.  John was by my side and it was so funny watching John watch them cut me and the amazed look on his face.  As soon as they cut the uterus open Jeff's feet popped out.  Then they brought him out and he was PERFECT.

They took him away to do his Apgar's (they were perfect scores) and weigh him, etc. 6 lbs 9 oz.

John went with them so as not to take his eyes off our bundle of joy.

They took me in a recovery room and then they brought Jeff to me.  John and a nurse sitting by my side.  They brought Jeff in and I put him to my breast.  I have photos of that moment in my life and I remember being so very happy.

The  second  happiest moment in my life was when Jenny was born.  The Dr. gave me a choice of a vaginal birth this time, but I wanted nothing to do with that.  I had previously had a good experience with Jeff and I wanted to do the same thing again.  Everything went perfectly with Jenny.  I also have a photo of me holding her immediately after she was born.  She also had a perfect Apgar score!!

Both of them nursed well and gave me the most fulfilled feeling possible.  It is nice to remember those days.  The days of when they were little.  They were indeed the "good old days".  I appreciated them every minute of it then too.  My mother told me one time when they were very little that THESE ARE the good old days, and I never forgot that.  It gives me wonderful memories and I am so proud of both of them now.  

Cindy and Stella need to go to the vet for their shots.  I made an appointment for both of them to go tomorrow (Saturday) so that John can take them.  This will be his first experience of taking them to the vet.  He loves the dogs too.  I can't wait to see how that goes.

I slept all day long...darn it!!

I couldn't drag myself out of bed this morning!! But tomorrow I must get to "my list".  There are so many things I need to do before I go into the hospital.  One thing is my fish tank is nasty. I need to buy a couple of snails to clean it up and maybe a couple of sucker catfish. Also, I have to get my ID card renewed. Jeez, oh man...Medicare is gonna take over when I turn 65 in July and I must have a new ID card!! The problem with getting these things done is, of course...walking. I can just go so far and then I'm done for the day. I have to space my outings.

I hate having to be pushed in the wheelchair everywhere but it is next to impossible to do anything alone and without assistance.  I don't want to be "taken care of".  I have always been such an independent person and it really makes me depressed to have to depend on someone else so much.  I know my family loves me and would rather see me living in a wheelchair than dead, but I'm not sure about myself and how I feel.  I want to be here to take care of things that John hates to do and I want to continue to see my children do well, but personally...life would suck if I couldn't walk at all.   I guess I'm just voicing my fears here.  My fear of the surgery, knowing all the other problems I have with my legs, and how it will all work out.  I got a great book on exercises, etc. to prepare for the surgery, but I can't do over half of them simply because I don't have any movement in my ankles already and my back hurts because of the difference in the length of my legs. I'm a mess!!  But, I've been living with those problems for years.  The new problem (MY KNEES) really just started interfering with my life about a year ago and since Christmas, it has gotten way worse.  If I did nothing, I don't think I'd be walking another year at all.  At least now I can get to the bathroom and stand to cook for a little while, but if I didn't have my knees replaced, even that will go away.  So, I'm giving myself a bit of a pep talk about why getting the surgery is the best thing to do no matter what happens in the end.

I go for my post operative visit with Dr. Providence this Wednesday.  Today was my last day to be able to take my pain meds, so I know that sometime tonight or tomorrow I'm going to be in a lot of pain with my ankles and back.  I had to stop with the pain killers because they make my blood thin and it would be dangerous and cause too much bleeding if I was still taking them.  Ironic that they will put me on blood thinners after the surgery because of the danger of blood clots.  Jeez, oh man, I'll be glad when this is overwith and I won't have this fearful lump in my tummy!!

The last time I felt like this was when they told me I had breast cancer back in 1994.  Back then, I kept telling myself that my children were too young for me to die.  I can't use that excuse anymore because they are both successful and know where they are going in life.  Their career patterns are falling into place.  Although I would love to see each of them happily married.  But that is part of the theme of Jenny's play...that marriage isn't necessary anymore...if 2 people love each other, why have the paper and love makes no difference with or without it.  They  (all the ones doing the play) are looking at love and relationship idealistically and from the LOVE point of view.  At my age, I look at it from the practical point of view and know how important the paper is because of survivorship and taking care of each other financially.  I know that this point of view comes with age.  This is what I wish everyone understood about gay marriage. I am very much in favor of gay marriage, because I know many gay people and they love one another just like straight people do.  They are born that way.  They didn't make a choice to be gay. God made them this way and why can't the world understand that!!  I suppose maybe you have to know a gay person PERSONALLY to understand that.  I do believe that eventually the world will understand and gay marriage will be an every day event.  It is progress in our world, it is a necessary change.

Home from Hollywood

It is very late and I just got back from my trip to visit Jeff and Jenny in Hollywood.   I had a great visit, although I did get stressed out a couple of times and cried.  I was just so flustered with MYSELF for doing silly things and my heart couldn't help but cry.  I would get really into a project, and forget that we were supposed to be someplace else and then I'd stress out.  But it all worked out in the end, cuz I'm home safe and sound now.

Jeff's apartment is all squared away and looks very nice. Jenny came over and was a great help in  getting stuff put together and helping Jeff decide were to put everything.  I guess the most fun of the trip was seeing Jenny's play.  It was really great. I saw it 2 times.  I am so proud of Jenny for Directing such a wonderful piece. It is innovative and creative.  It truly is a piece of art that is way before it's time.  Thought provoking and funny.  A reminder of how much technology has taken over our lives.  These are the lives that these children were born into and the performance was very tastefully done in a way to intergrate the old traditions with the obvious new cyber lives kids are living today.  If you want to read more about the show and/or the company that produced it go to www.Brimmerstreettheatercompany.org or to www.restartyourheart.com  This is the most talented group of young actors, producers and directors I've seen in many years. Someday, they will all be famous!!!

I'm getting excited!!!  I am going to start packing today for my trip to LA to see Jenny's play and help Jeff get settled in his new apartment.  I am so glad I changed my mind about going. At first, I thought it would just be to hard on the kids to have to push me everywhere but they both assured me that it will be ok and I think it will even make it easier for me to go into the surgery, knowing that I have just seen them.

Jenny's play started Saturday night and IT'S A HIT. I'm so happy about that. She has worked so hard on it and I know she and Dave are relieved that it went so well.  I can't wait to see it next weekend.

Since I have kinda turned this blog into a memoir, I will tell another "story" about my life.  When Jenny was one month old, Jeff  had just turned 3.  We went to a 4th of July party at a friend's house.  Everyone was gathered in the back yard and all the children were running around playing. I couldn't enjoy myself because I refused to take my eyes off of Jeff running around.  I have a tendancy to be over protective and I just can't relax when he is out of my sight. MY BAD!!! So, this time, I made a conscious effort to just let him play and talk to my friends. I figured noone else is as neurotic as I am to be watching their kids and heck, the kids should be fine. What could happen...so, for a while I just tried not to think about it.  At some point, and I'm sure it wasn't more than  5 or 10 minutes, I decided to "eyeball" Jeff just to make sure all was well. I didn't see him in the crowd of children.   I looked in the house, checked the bathroom and then went into the front yard...No Jeff!!! by this time, I'm getting concerned. Jenny was in her baby carrier asleep, so I picked her up and ran to get John. I told him I could not find Jeff. I even mentioned it to several other parents and noone seemed concerned. So, John and I took off all around the house (with Jenny in tow) calling Jeff and received no answer. So then we started walking down the street calling his name. I was in a total panic and near tears. At first, John was calm and assured me that he couldn't be far and everything would be fine.  We must have walked several blocks just calling his name.  This subdivision was on the water so we were doubly concerned that he might have wandered into someone's back yard and fallen in the water.  I checked my watch continually and was frankly, a nervous wreck!! At the 30 minute mark...I told John I thought we needed to call the police. At first he thought it might be premature, and then as we kept looking and kept calling, he finally agreed that we should go back to the house and take some action with the police.  

I cannot tell you how distraught I was.  You can just imagine!!! Just about this time, off in the distance, we see a man walking toward us with a little boy by the hand.    Immediately, I could see it was Jeff.  My heart began to beat again. I hurried toward him as quickly as I could, John by my side and Jenny at my chest.   The man said that he had found Jeff walking down the sidewalk about a mile down the road and he asked Jeff where he came from and Jeff pointed down toward where the party was.  I have always regretted that I didn't thank that man enough. I was just so happy to see Jeff I couldn't contain myself.  

I asked Jeff why he left the party and he said the children were running in the front yard, and he saw a kitty cat and tried to catch it.  The kitty cat ran down the sidewalk and Jeff followed.  By the time he lost the cat, he didn't know which house we were at and he was walking in the wrong direction.  

We went back to the party and needless to say, I didn't take my eyes off Jeff for the rest of the time we were there.  I think this incident let to my being just way  too protective of the children.  I never let them ride their bikes out of my sight and just kept a tight leash on both of them for way too long.  But it was something I couldn't avoid because of my fear of something happening to one of them.

When Jeff was about 12 he wanted to go to the mall with a friend of his. I knew all the other kids were going to the mall, but I just wasn't ready to let him.  Finally, I agreed that he could go but only if I dropped them off and picked them up one hour later.  I did take them and I followed them around every corner, and waited outside of every store!!! I wonder if I ever told Jeff about that.  He was with his friend Mike, when we lived in Saratoga Springs, New York when that happened.  

The big change came in my life when I started on Prozac in 1995.  After that, I started seeing things more realistically.  Say what you might about anti-depressants, but I know the Prozac helped me, and continues to help me.  I wasn't depressed, but I suffered from panic attacks.  I do  believe that he panic attacks started after years and years of worrying too much, dwelling on things I could not change and fear of  losing one of my children.  It was after the breast cancer that the panic started.  I tried several other anti-depressants and the Prozac was the one that changed everything.  I will probably be on it til I die.

Tired and sore tonight...

After all the walking I had to do today for all the various tests, etc. I'm totally sore all over and am having trouble even moving.  They had to draw more blood to test my thyroid and I had to pee in a cup again.  The good news is that my insurance will pay for a hospital bed for me here at home for the first 6 weeks.  I thought I'd have to rent one on my own, but the social worker will take care of it.  She had to make sure that I had crutches, walker, cane and wheelchair for use here at home.  The insurance will provide a physical therapist here at home too.

Earlier, I was talking about when I had breast cancer.  And what a rough time that was on all of us.  I tried to make light of the whole thing with the children. I assured them that I would be fine and it would only be a small interference in our lives, and all the while I had no idea how bad it was or if I would get better.  My hair started falling out a few days after my first chemo.  I would notice large clumps of hair on my pillow, so then when I combed my hair, it would come out in huge pieces.  I don't see how the women do it that don't shave their heads. Hair was falling everywhere all the time. So, I decided to shave it. I asked Jenny if she wanted to give me a mohawk.  She said yippee, yes that will be fun and we both rushed upstairs and I sat in front of the mirror as she shaved away.  It was a beautiful time for me and her.  We were laughing and joking about how silly it looked and she would do all kinds of funny things with the sheers. Then somehow, through the laughter, I felt very sad and didn't want Jenny to see that I was beginning to cry.  I looked over at her and a tear was coming down her cheek.  Our eyes met and at that moment, I felt so much love between us.  It is a moment in time that I will treasure forever.  She and I definitely "connected" on a truly loving moment between us.  We hugged each other and sobbed for a while.

In a way, I passed the torch at that time because I never had another period after that first chemo treatment. I was officially pushed prematurely into MENOPAUSE.  And at the same time, Jenny got her first period.  I always thought it was sort of poetic.  My hair came back in frizzy and more wirey than it was before.  To this day, it is different from the way it was before chemo.  The doctor said this is very common because the chemo kills the old hair root and another one is formed to take it's place and it can be the same or quite different. I've heard of other gals whose hair came back in a different color too.

When it came time for Jeff to go off to college, he just didn't want to leave home.  He seemed anxious to find a college away from home during his junior year of high school, but as the time got closer and closer for him to make a definite decision, he wanted to live at home the entire 4 years.  He graduated college in December 2002 and left to live in Los Angeles in January 2003. He was finally ready.

On the other hand, when it came time for Jenny to go to college, she knew she wanted to go out of state.  She even got a scholarship to a Virginia school and she didnt want to go there.  She had grown her wings and she wanted to FLY... We looked at NYU and Boston University and she decided she wanted to go to Emerson College in Boston.  It is a performing arts college and seemed to fit her needs exactly.  She flourished there.

I had a bit of adjusting to get used to my "empty nest".  I had been so involved with everything the kids were involved in and once they were out of the house, I needed to redefine myself. I'm still working on that.

More testing...

This morning I'm off to get an EKG and then to see the social worker at the hospital. I am not completely sure what the social worker visit is gonna be about, but I'm assuming it is going to be to set up my physical therapy after the surgery.

John comes home today. I've missed him.  I need so many things from the store and just can't go. I hate it!!  I think I will make an attempt to stop at Target on the way home today. They have the motorized wheelchairs and hopefully, I can get around in that.  I used to could crab walk myself around the store, but now the back and forth of my knees is just too painful.  

The surgery is 3 weeks from today. I have spent several hours on YouTube looking at knee replacement surgery and listening to people who have had it done telling their stories.  Most are good, but there are some bad ones in there too.  That scares me a bit, but I guess I'm only human.

I remember back in 1994 when I first found the lump in my breast. The internet was quite different then.  In fact, I'm not even sure it could be called the internet.  We had Prodigy and there were a bunch of Bulletin Boards and I would go in and chat every single day.  I found one BB that was called BCBuddies  (breast cancer buddies).  I posed the question about finding the lump in my breast and trying to tell myself it was nothing.  So many people on the board said "oh you have to get it checked out, you never know what it might be."  I convinced my self it was nothing because I had found a lump several months earlier and it turned out to be nothing. So, since we were in the process of moving from Georgia to Virginia, I decided to put that lump on the back burner and wait until we got moved to go to the doctor and check it out.  It was in June that I found the lump and we got moved and settled in and it was August before I saw a doctor about it.  Thankfully, once I had a mammogram things went very swiftly and by the grace of God it was not an aggressive tumor.  It was cancer and I had a double mastectomy in August 1994.  The cancer was only in one breast, but my mother had breast cancer and I wanted the most aggressive treatment I could get. I have not regretted that decision!! Jenny was 12 and Jeff was 15 at the time. I didn't want to die. I was so scared. I cannot tell you the panic I felt.

I went through chemo and lost all my hair.  And to this day, I never say I'm cured or that I beat it.  I just thank God for every day that I have and pray that I continue to be cancer free.